JOYFUL

Next week, I start a year long journey to DESTROY any cancer cells in my body. It is an aggressive treatment, which is fitting since I have never done ANYTHING in my life half or 50%. It just sounds very "Jen" and yet to be honest I am scared. I have no idea how my body will react to this treatment, and I am NOT good at lying around quietly all day long. But I'm going into this year with a smile on my face and JOY in my heart!

Every since I heard the words "You have cancer" I have felt this whispering to be JOYFUL. It has been a quiet whisper almost too hard to hear at times. That is ridiculous I found myself saying! You can't be JOYFUL with cancer, and a person who is, is most likely the most FAKE person I will have ever met! "I am not fake, God" I found myself saying. Opposite really, I love telling others about my flaws, sins, and mistakes. To be honest, I don't have to "tell" people about them. I wear them like a billboard around my neck. I was kind of mad at the idea of being JOYFUL with cancer, it sounded silly and immature. No one is JOYFUL when fighting for their life. Especially not a young Mom of 3, ESPECIALLY not me. But, I was reminded of the times I went through trials of other kinds, losing a baby, fighting with God for control, watching my precious baby fight for her life, and sending foster children back home. I was not always joyful during those times, which I don't think was necessarily a bad thing. But, for some reason I feel like I am supposed to be JOYFUL in this trial.

Proverbs 17:22 - "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

I'm not being fake or overly spiritual and I would puke in my mouth if people saw my life as that. I'm being as real as I can be. God is helping me find JOY! I have moments ALL the time when I am pissed off, challenged, my faith tested, sad, and fearful for my life. But these moments are ALWAYS cut off by this unnatural need to find JOY. Maybe one of my kids does something absolutely ridiculous and I find myself yanked outta of a depressed fog. One time, God used a friend at the gym to literally smack me in the face (lovingly of course) with a "well at least you have a chance at life, millions don't". That made me just laugh, because it is SO true. Or a best friend who calls me up only to talk about a stupid TV show, if I can still be "that" obsessed with a reality show then surely I have things to be JOYFUL about. Even in the hospital, drugged up, and loathing what God had let happen in my body, minutes later I would be laughing and joking around with a nurse or a doctor. Even now, sitting here writing this post trying to find the right words explaining why I am so JOYFUL through this all, I look up and see a Christmas decoration left out by accident. I was too lazy to put it away months ago when I realized the mistake, and figured it would be okay because it is a simple silver plaque with the letters: J O Y! Seeing it made me laugh out loud.

Today I laid in bed asking again; Why? Why this JOY thing, God?

10 seconds later I found myself watching this video.


Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HEALED FROM CANCER!

Maybe not the cancer that is in my body right now, but I have been healed from the cancer that was slowly destroying my soul. I am free, healed, alive, and because of my Savior throughout this cancer journey......

I WILL BE JOYFUL!!

Saying Goodbye to our Little M

Last week, we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby "Little M". I can't talk about her case, but I can say that Bio Mom and Dad messed up, and it will be a long journey. So everyone involved agreed that the best thing to do for Little M and her siblings was to put them all together in a foster home (long term). That way, the siblings can bond and if they go up for adoption they will be together. It was horribly sad saying goodbye to our sweet baby girl, but we have learned that God's plan for us on this foster journey is perfect.

We all mourned losing Little M in different ways. Connor immediately asked when we were going to get another foster baby. Bryce was quiet. And Alexis decided to carry her baby-doll around everywhere she went. Adam and I are doing okay. It is always hard for us when we say goodbye to one of our foster kiddos. It hurts deeply. And yet we are all encouraged knowing that God is good and that He has a perfect plan for our family and for the babies we have had in our family.

We talk about adoption a lot in our family. We talk about how we were all orphans before God took us in and adopted us into His family. I love that my kids understand that there are kids out there that need our help and love. I love that they love on kiddos who are not their siblings biologically. I love that they still talk about J-man as their brother and of course Little M as "our" baby. I pray that as they grow that God continues to work in their hearts. I pray that they never feel too confused or mad that our family has decided to live this foster journey. I pray that they continue to pray for all the babies we have come through our doors and I pray that you join me too.

We will take a break from fostering until we feel like I am physically well. Our agency is super awesome and is supporting us no matter how long it takes.

Little M's picture will go up on our family photo wall and forever she will be one of "ours" in our hearts. And one day I pray that I see her again in heaven...

Let the Chemo begin.....

Adam and I met with my oncologist this week and talked about options.

Here is the low down:

1) I begin chemo August 1st. I will go in and get an IV injection EVERYDAY for 4 weeks (I get the weekends off).

2) After the 4 weeks we will begin my 11 month treatment schedule. I will get to give myself injections 3X a week. Probably a Monday, Wednesday, Friday kind of schedule.

3) We have NO IDEA how my body will respond to these treatments. We talked with the doctor and heard EVERY POSSIBILITY. I could do great the whole time and just be kind of sick. I could do horrible the whole time and never get out of bed. I might be great for weeks or months and then hit a wall and react badly. I might do horrible at first and then do better the longer I am on treatment. I could lose all of my hair, maybe just some, or maybe just maybe none. I could throw up everyday. I could have a temperature everyday or only at nights or not at all. I might get body aches, chills, and not want to move or I MIGHT be at the gym everyday (that WILL HAPPEN) I might have a hard time doing anything or maybe life will be able to continue as usual. I could be a little loopy on the drugs or A LOT loopy. (Adam laughed at that part) My white blood cells might do great and keep me strong or they might drop and we will have to do other therapy to get them back up. My liver might show signs of failing or it might rock it out! My body could completely shut down and we will have to talk about other options. My arm might fall off.....oh ok that is not true, but that is how I felt after going over everything with the doctor.

4) I just said "might" 10 times and "could" 6 times. There will be A LOT of mights and coulds and what if's this year. I will WANT to quit. I will WANT to throw in the towel and give up. The doctor told us that a lot of people do. I will NEED your prayers!!!!

5) "We will cross bridges when we get to them." My doctor will not talk about many what if's with us until we HAVE to. He doesn't want us overwhelmed. My focus needs to ONLY be on staying strong and healthy. If something happens "bad" then we will cross that bridge. There are lot's of medications, therapies, and other options if my body reacts badly to something. We will cross those bridges if we need to. I like that my doctor thinks this way, because Adam and I do as well. We are going to take each day one at a time. If I have a bad day then it is just that ONE bad day.

Well that's it for now. We feel good and ready to get on with this journey. We know, trust, and believe that Jesus is with us through this all. I'm not mad or sad, I am great actually. I am blessed and loved and happy to be ALIVE! This could be a hard year we know that, but we also KNOW that our God is faithful, good, and powerful and that what ever happens it is His perfect plan! (One day I will write about my journey and I how my faith has changed throughout the years, because I HAVE had trouble in the past with "bad things happening to good people" (good people being ME.)) My prayer is that at the end of the day, God uses my story to glorify His name. I pray that this cancer journey will show others that there is HOPE EVERLASTING even when you are battling to live. That whatever happens God is good, no GREAT!

Have any questions? I will try to answer all of them.......

Back HOME and some good news

I am not going to lie I was pretty down during/after the hospital craziness. Surgery was WAY more complicated than we had hoped. Because of losing all my lymph nodes, I got an infection in my leg. I haven't even started the "hardest" part of this cancer journey, and I just felt sad.

But GOOD NEWS!!! I got "released" from prision...ummm....I mean the hospital on Monday. (Sorry it took so long to update, but we have been battling days filled with junk from CPS, court, and Little M's biological family. For those who are new to following me, we are a foster family and have a little baby girl with us right now. We can't give any details about her case, but it was not good news this week.)

I was so excited about going home. First, because I miss my family so much. And second, because the sooner I got home the better. This is what my husband was tweeting about while I was gone:

"This is what happens when @jenwpc is stuck at the hospital and dad is in charge."

Yes, that is my only daughter clinging to an Iron Man robot with a head of messy unkept hair. So, the first thing I did when I got home was FIX THAT!

See. Much Better.

Today, I met with my Oncology Surgeon, and it was a wonderful appointment. I have had one drain in my leg for over 3 weeks now and another for a week. I was really looking forward to getting rid of them. They are, as I am sure you can imagine, NOT VERY comfortable. I am also very much looking forward to FINALLY sleeping in my OWN bed tonight (first time in 3 and a half weeks). I am FREE of my crutches, and I can begin rehab on my leg. My doctor had to move one of my leg muscles and reattach it in another place to protect my femoral artery and nerves. So, rehabbing that muscle is what I am going to be working on the most over the next couple of weeks. If I am a "good" student, I could be back to 100% in 3 weeks. Both the doctor and I agreed that "I" could do it in two weeks. So, now it's time for some physical therapy and a little hard work.

I also get to rock these pretty sexy things for a couple more months:
Compression wear is going to be the "new" cool style, right?

Prayer Requests:

Pray that my lymphedema stays under control. I will struggle with this disease for the rest of my life, and my prayer is that I find a way to live with it with no side effects.

Pray for my physical therapy. Pray I listen and do what I need to do to get my leg back to 100%.

Pray for my appointment on Tuesday with me, Adam, and my oncologist. We will be discussing our options for my treatment (chemo, when, where, dosages, how long, etc...) and what the next year will look like realistically for me and our family.

Pray for Little M and her case. There was a major setback this week, and we are not sure what will happen next.

Get to the Hospital Now

Tuesday (June 14th) night almost 1 week after the surgery to remove all the lymph nodes from my leg was just a normal night. My husband had left the day before for a week in California on bussiness and my mother-in-law was in town helping out with the kids. I was on the mend and eager to put this surgery behind me.

At about 8:00pm things started to change. I had struggled with a lot pain and swelling that day and had blamed it on "doing too much" the day before. At 8:30pm I had severe chills and feared immediantly that I was getting a fever. By 9:30pm I had a temperature of 100.7. We called the doctor hotline and waited. 10:00pm I had a temp of 101.8. The doctor called and talked to my mother-in-law and said "Get her to the hospital now".

Our roomate Daniel drove me and I walked right in to a room in the ER because my doctor had called ahead. After a couple of hours, lot's of medication, and a HILARIOUS story I will share soon, the doctor decided that I had infection and HAD to be admited to the hospital.

6 Days later......

I AM STILL HERE!!!

The infection I got was taken care of quite quickly with loads and loads of IV and oral antibiotics. By day 2 I had been given 6 different kinds. My temp was gone, but horrible swelling remained.

The rest of the days here we have been trying to get rid of the swelling. I won't go into a lot of detail incase there is squeamish people out there, but there has been lot's of pain, lot's of drugs, needles, drains, tubes, scalpels, and more compression wear.

My doctor has been great. He knows that I am frustrated and to be honest he is too. But this is an uphill battle. We removed a very important part of my leg. A part that helps fight infection. A part that helps with swelling. A part that my leg is MISSING very much.

I FINALLY got WIFI today, so I will keep everyone updated when I hear something.

I hate staying hospitals, so when I was admitted and landed myself in the coolest hospital room ever I felt very blessed. Check it out....

I have the best recliner and a big screen tv. I have watched more tv this week than in a whole year!

The living room (yes I have a living room) and to the left in my balcony. And I have a full private bathroom.

My view

Here is all the crap they used for just one of the many procedures I have had done. Crazy, right?

Because I have a huge room the kiddos can come over and visit me. I need this! And who wouldn't feel better after seeing these cute faces.

Cancer questions.....

I have been asked a lot of questions about my cancer journey so I thought that I would just answer a bunch of them here.

1) Why do you have to do Chemo? Good question. Especially after finding all clean nodes this last surgery. It all has to do with the type of cancer I have. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma Cancer. Melanoma is a tricking, sneaky, and very bad ass type of cancer. It has a 80% chance of coming back one day. I don't like those odds. By doing Chemo for a year it will knock off another %20 off. I will still need to be checked for cancer coming back, but this is the best shot I have to kill all of it NOW.

2) Will you lose you hair? Ha a question everyone loves to ask. We have no idea. Some people lose their hair some people don't. But I have been told that even if I don't lose my hair my hair will be more than likely very sick looking. If that happens I am fully prepared mentally and physically to shave my head. This gives me a better chance to have healthy hair when treatment is done. Plus I happen to think that I'm going to be a cute bald lady.

3) What are the other side effects of Chemo? Again we are not sure. Everyone responds differently. More than likely I will have fevers, nausea, weakness, no immune system, sadness, and others.

4) When will you start Chemo? We have to wait until I am healed from this last surgery. And since this surgery was a bigger deal than we had hoped that might be almost 6 weeks from now. That happens to be the week before we go to family camp, so we'll probably wait until after camp to begin treatment.

5) What is a chemo port? This thing is weird and kind of creepy to me. But it will make getting injections, receiving medicine, and getting labs taken A LOT easier. My port in located on my chest right under my right collar bone. It sticks out and looks freakish. It still very tender and hurts right now, but I have been told that soon I won't even notice it.

6) What are the side effects from losing all your lymph nodes? The doctor only took all the lymph nodes out of my left leg. So I will have Lymphedema in my leg for the rest of my life. I might never see effects from it or I might have them forever. I will probably have to to wear compression socks when I work out to prevent swelling. I'll need to do physical therapy and possbile massage therapy. My leg will also be very suspectable infections. Anytime I get a cut or bruise I will have to go onto anitbiotics.

6) What can I do to help? We have a care calendar up and running so you can send me your email and we can get you that information. Just remember that we aren't starting treatment until August so that is when we will need to most help. PRAY! Please continue to pray for complete healing. And for my family over this next year.

Any other questions? I would love to answer them. (And trust me if it was any of you going through this I would ask EVERY question I could think of?

Life goes on.....Alexis' Birthday

The day after my surgery Alexis had her 2nd birthday. And since I refuse to let this cancer suck any joy out of my life, we had the usual family party. Enjoy some pics and rejoice with me as I take one moment forgetting that I have cancer.

Alexis was a slow present opener and it was hilarious watching the older boys try to "help" her. And then all the boys has to "helped" her play with her new toys.
I can not get off the couch until the Dr releases me, so I spent the party here. I also have to wear sunglasses because the drugs I am on make my eyes very dilated. (yeah basically high) So Alexis went and grabbed her sunglasses.
We had a pretty low key party. Just out of town family and some Texas family. We enjoyed some good food, playing outside in the pool and trampoline, and hanging out. She was so excited to get some "girl" toys. The Rapunzel baby doll was a hit!
CAKE!!

It was a perfect ending to a hard week. Happy Birthday Alexis!!!