Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Next week, I start a year long journey to DESTROY any cancer cells in my body. It is an aggressive treatment, which is fitting since I have never done ANYTHING in my life half or 50%. It just sounds very "Jen" and yet to be honest I am scared. I have no idea how my body will react to this treatment, and I am NOT good at lying around quietly all day long. But I'm going into this year with a smile on my face and JOY in my heart!

Every since I heard the words "You have cancer" I have felt this whispering to be JOYFUL. It has been a quiet whisper almost too hard to hear at times. That is ridiculous I found myself saying! You can't be JOYFUL with cancer, and a person who is, is most likely the most FAKE person I will have ever met! "I am not fake, God" I found myself saying. Opposite really, I love telling others about my flaws, sins, and mistakes. To be honest, I don't have to "tell" people about them. I wear them like a billboard around my neck. I was kind of mad at the idea of being JOYFUL with cancer, it sounded silly and immature. No one is JOYFUL when fighting for their life. Especially not a young Mom of 3, ESPECIALLY not me. But, I was reminded of the times I went through trials of other kinds, losing a baby, fighting with God for control, watching my precious baby fight for her life, and sending foster children back home. I was not always joyful during those times, which I don't think was necessarily a bad thing. But, for some reason I feel like I am supposed to be JOYFUL in this trial.

Proverbs 17:22 - "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

I'm not being fake or overly spiritual and I would puke in my mouth if people saw my life as that. I'm being as real as I can be. God is helping me find JOY! I have moments ALL the time when I am pissed off, challenged, my faith tested, sad, and fearful for my life. But these moments are ALWAYS cut off by this unnatural need to find JOY. Maybe one of my kids does something absolutely ridiculous and I find myself yanked outta of a depressed fog. One time, God used a friend at the gym to literally smack me in the face (lovingly of course) with a "well at least you have a chance at life, millions don't". That made me just laugh, because it is SO true. Or a best friend who calls me up only to talk about a stupid TV show, if I can still be "that" obsessed with a reality show then surely I have things to be JOYFUL about. Even in the hospital, drugged up, and loathing what God had let happen in my body, minutes later I would be laughing and joking around with a nurse or a doctor. Even now, sitting here writing this post trying to find the right words explaining why I am so JOYFUL through this all, I look up and see a Christmas decoration left out by accident. I was too lazy to put it away months ago when I realized the mistake, and figured it would be okay because it is a simple silver plaque with the letters: J O Y! Seeing it made me laugh out loud.

Today I laid in bed asking again; Why? Why this JOY thing, God?

10 seconds later I found myself watching this video.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!


Maybe not the cancer that is in my body right now, but I have been healed from the cancer that was slowly destroying my soul. I am free, healed, alive, and because of my Savior throughout this cancer journey......



Brian B said...

As always, you are my hero.

Sandi B. said...

I agree with Brian B. Amazing. You totally put my "me" attitude to shame. Guess now I have to learn this "Joy" thing you speak so much of. Thanks for putting your heart and thoughts into words!

Anonymous said...

As I read this entry, I thought of this bible verse:

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

I'm thinking of you every day and will be praying just as hard. I love you, my beautiful niece. Once again, and still, you inspire this family to be better than we are. You are an amazing gift and God is good. He has great plans for you and through Him you will touch the lives of many with this journey. (I'm thinking you should start a journal during chemo and then maybe someday you could write a book about surviving melanoma. You have such a talent for writing)
I love you now and always

marian said...

hi jen, we were in the arrow foster classes together at the stone. I am praying for you. your attitude is inspiring! I am a pedi oncology nurse so if you have any questions about the meds you will be getting or need anyone to interpret the medical lingo, I'm here. thanks for sharing your journey through tbs blog.

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