Today we started a new treatment round of chemo. I was excited about this. 1) Because I didn't have to go to chemo land everyday. 2) The dosage is 50% less than my iv fusions were last month.
But I was also pretty nervous and anxious. This time I knew how it felt to be on chemo and I don't like it all. I'm also scared about how long I will be on this drug. The goal is 11 MONTHS, and that is frightening.
God was faithful and kept me strong for those long 4 weeks both mentally and spiritually, but it was only 4 weeks long. So the question I kept hearing Satan whispering was "Could you keep leaning on him for 11 months or would you throw in the towel and quit?" I DON'T QUIT. But I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't scared.
I had a wonderful morning. Got to the gym and although I am still tired and not 100%, I had a blast kicking butt at bootcamp. I took the kids grocery shopping and fed them lunch. I was on my game. Now I just had to go to chemo-land and learn how to give myself the shots.
Nurse walked me through everything and then gave me a test. I had to do the whole prep and then give myself the shot, while explaining what I was doing and why. I passed. Yippeee and was sent on my way. Every nurse there gave me encouraging words like; "You'll do great." Don't worry it might not be as worse". "You're tough".
I came home and slept, I wanted to give my body rest just in case. And just in case was EXACTLY what happened.
I woke up from my nap with chills (I know that this means a fever eventually), a headache, and aches. Not how I wanted the afternoon/evening to start. I took 2 Vicodin and found my spot on the couch.
6:30pm My chills got worst. I threw on 4 blankets instead of the 1 I had on already and got in the fetal position. My body chills were so bad that my whole body was convulsing. I was panicking a bit too. None of the other chemo nights had been like this. Mentally Satan was taking me down too. I could hear things like; "You can't do this." Too much pain" "Where is your strong God now". I silently prayed with tears streaming down my face, God is stronger! I need him now, cause I can't do this.
My sweet Adam saw that I was having trouble, but he had to get the kids outta of the house. Not only did they need to play outside, but I was getting more upset since they were watching me with big eyes of tears as I battled and battled. I was crying, shaking, having trouble breathing, and to my kids this must have looked frightening. This only stressed me out more, so my breathing started getting even worst. I didn't want my babies effected badly by this cancer, and I didn't want them to see their strong Mom be so weak.
I reminded Connor who was most affected seeing me like this, that God was strong and was going to help me feel better. But deep down I was having doubts. This was horrible.
8:30pm: Chills are worst, headache pounding, and a lot of trouble trying to breathe. I take 2 more Vicodin and call my Mom so she can tell all our friends and family in Oregon to start praying. The shaking is so bad that my teeth are chattering and body is starting to cramp up. I'm breathing really quickly and feeling a little out of control. I'm upset because I don't want to take anymore drugs, especially the ones that don't make me feel right in the head. I'm emotional. (and if you know me I don't get emotional) I'm scared and ready to quit already and keeping thinking THIS IS DAY 1. You have 100's more of these days ahead of you. Can you do this???
I start trying to get myself to settle down, if not then I was going to pass out. I start breathing slowly even though every breath hurts as my body shakes and convulses more and more. Still not a very high fever, and I AM FREEZING. I start saying out-loud; "You can do this, Jen." You are strong." Suddenly I have a moment of clarity which was difficult, because as I feel my body fighting so hard, my mind was weak very weak. "No, Jen you can't do this" I hear as a whisper, but this time a sweet whisper "Jen my beautiful daughter, I can do this." I begin to pray, "God, you can do this. Jesus my sweet sweet savior you can comfort me now." Friends start texting me with scripture and prayers and slowly I am feeling better mentally.
9:05pm My fever is climbing dangerously high. 104 then 104.5. We had to call the doctor then. He told us to take some more medications(funny how doctors can tell you to take more then the bottle says you can) and check the fever every 30 minutes. If it doesn't drop I have to go to the hospital. I also have to take the anti-anxiety pill that I didn't want to. We needed my muscles to relax, my breathing needed to slowdown, and I needed to calm down.
But I couldn't calm down, my head was killing me. I couldn't think straight. I was convulsing, and now burning up. I was panicking at the mere thought of going to the hospital. And embarrassed that my husband was having to talk to me like a child. I cried and begged him not to take me to the hospital, because I was afraid that they were going to commit me to the pysch ward. Seriously, in my head this is what I thought was going on.
9:30pm Fever back down to 104. I'm burning up and sweating, but I have to stay warm and let this fever break. My headache is more like a thumping. And my muscles are beginning to relax as the fever's heat fills me inside out. I'm beginning to finally calm down. Unfortunately I get sick, probably from all the shakes and convulsions. But I know that I'll probably not have to go to the hospital now and that comforts me. I plead sappy/weepy "I'm sorry"s to my husband (He was awesome) And my mind slowly starts coming back to me. I felt like I just got beat up inside and out.
I'm not going to lie. That was hard and I'm scared about what tomorrow and the next day holds for me and this treatment. I wanted to quit tonight. I was mad at my body for being so weak. Frustrated with myself. Worried for my kids and what they saw tonight. BUT...... God was there the whole time. He never once let me go. He was my strength tonight when I had none. He was faithful.
And even though I'm anxious at what tomorrow holds, He'll be faithful then again.