Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Monday, June 11, 2012
The Video
When I was first diagnosed with cancer everyone was so sweet and encouraging to me. People said things like : "if anyone can beat this it is you" or "you are so strong" or "you got this". I kind of felt exactly that way, like I was going to kick this cancer's ass. But as time went by my heart changed a bit, I still wanted to live and still wanted cancer to go away. But I wanted my story to be about more than a girl who is a tough chick. I wanted God to get all the credit. I wanted this story to be about Him. So I started praying.....
At the time Daniel Davis was living with us. He is a brilliant photographer and ask us if he could take pictures of our cancer journey. We agreed still not knowing how God would use them. Daniel began working for the story team at our church Austin Stone and the idea to do a video began.
These pictures are real, raw, and kind of scare the crap out of me. I don't remember most of these images or when they were taken. I was sick very sick. I don't look "cute" in them (and we all know that we want cute pictures up on the internet of us). I was smack in the middle of doing crazy treatments everyday. I had gained 15 pounds, my body was freakin out, and our family was in survival mode. I was nervous about this video. Nervous at how it would be received.
But we prayed and believed that God had a story to tell. That His name was going to be lifted high in the midst of trial and suffering. Please friends!! Post, email, share, tweet, Facebook this video. We have been praying that God uses it somewhere for someone for months now. The story team at The Austin Stone did an incredible job and we want people to see it.
Thanks again for everyone who is praying for us. And please continue to pray for those who are fighting this fight alone with no hope of the Gospel.
* Daniel Davis also did an incredible job taking pictures of the night I lost my hair. Feel free to share this one too.
Strength from Adam McManus on Vimeo.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Updates, Game Plans, and Coffee Enemas
Greetings Friends,
It's time for your favorite cancer update.....
I met with my oncologist team earlier this week and we had some great chats. We looked at my labs and talked about how low they still are. My white blood cell count is in the 2.5 range which is yucky and explains why I am so tired, but it is high enough to keep doing chemo. In August it dropped under 1 and that is when we pulled the plug on the last 2 treatments. This is good news. My doctor is impressed that my body has handled these treatments so well and I FEEL LIKE CRAP! It was good hearing that he is happy with everything, because I have been struggling lately. Struggling with how bad I feel ALL THE TIME. Honestly, I have wanted to quit. On a side note, I need to give a shout out to God for protecting our family's health over this year. I have a weak immune system and with 3 little kids should have gotten sick many MANY times, but we have had ZERO sickness. It has been incredible.
"Your liver looks like a 80 year old alcoholic". My doctor thought that that was funny, I was quite horrified. But he reassured me that my liver will bounce back. And that my liver is not cancer-sick it is chemo-sick. Does that sound better? Cause it is. It means my liver is struggling because of the treatments, pain pills, and other drugs. NOT because cancer is spreading. GOOD NEWS! It also means that I get to start a new "fun" regime. *Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach go ahead and skip to the next paragraph. Two words my friends: Coffee enema. It is exactly what you think it is, and it is going to save my liver. Who knew??!!!
The end is near. After looking at labs and chatting about coffee up my bum, we decided that my body is starting to just "BE DONE". So we are going to finish with chemo AUGUST 1st!!!! Which is beyond awesome! Stage 3 Melanoma is a mean cancer and has a high chance of spreading again (60-70% reoccurrence rate) which is why we have been doing this treatment for a YEAR! We are praying that every cancer cell in my body is destroyed and DOES NOT GROW AGAIN!
On October 3rd we are do a big MRI, the kind where you lay in a plastic tube for a couple hours. On October 8th we'll go over the results. Hopefully that day we will hear the phrase NED, which means NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE. Which means I still have cancer, but it is NOT alive in my body. We talked about this for awhile. Apparently cancer survivors really struggle with the "after" treatment. I have been in "fight-mode" for over a year and then on October 8th, I just what? stop? Nope, cause I am still fighting, but it will be more of a mental battle not the physical one. Every headache, sneeze, restless night of sleep will be a struggle. "Is the cancer back?" "Has it spread again?" That will be a struggle and I am sure I will write about it more later.
So only 9 more weeks to go.....
I want to give a shout out to everyone who has prayed with us over this last year. I have felt every prayer and needed EVERY single one of them. We couldn't have done this journey without of prayer community. You guys rock!
It's time for your favorite cancer update.....
I met with my oncologist team earlier this week and we had some great chats. We looked at my labs and talked about how low they still are. My white blood cell count is in the 2.5 range which is yucky and explains why I am so tired, but it is high enough to keep doing chemo. In August it dropped under 1 and that is when we pulled the plug on the last 2 treatments. This is good news. My doctor is impressed that my body has handled these treatments so well and I FEEL LIKE CRAP! It was good hearing that he is happy with everything, because I have been struggling lately. Struggling with how bad I feel ALL THE TIME. Honestly, I have wanted to quit. On a side note, I need to give a shout out to God for protecting our family's health over this year. I have a weak immune system and with 3 little kids should have gotten sick many MANY times, but we have had ZERO sickness. It has been incredible.
"Your liver looks like a 80 year old alcoholic". My doctor thought that that was funny, I was quite horrified. But he reassured me that my liver will bounce back. And that my liver is not cancer-sick it is chemo-sick. Does that sound better? Cause it is. It means my liver is struggling because of the treatments, pain pills, and other drugs. NOT because cancer is spreading. GOOD NEWS! It also means that I get to start a new "fun" regime. *Disclaimer: If you have a weak stomach go ahead and skip to the next paragraph. Two words my friends: Coffee enema. It is exactly what you think it is, and it is going to save my liver. Who knew??!!!
The end is near. After looking at labs and chatting about coffee up my bum, we decided that my body is starting to just "BE DONE". So we are going to finish with chemo AUGUST 1st!!!! Which is beyond awesome! Stage 3 Melanoma is a mean cancer and has a high chance of spreading again (60-70% reoccurrence rate) which is why we have been doing this treatment for a YEAR! We are praying that every cancer cell in my body is destroyed and DOES NOT GROW AGAIN!
On October 3rd we are do a big MRI, the kind where you lay in a plastic tube for a couple hours. On October 8th we'll go over the results. Hopefully that day we will hear the phrase NED, which means NO EVIDENCE of DISEASE. Which means I still have cancer, but it is NOT alive in my body. We talked about this for awhile. Apparently cancer survivors really struggle with the "after" treatment. I have been in "fight-mode" for over a year and then on October 8th, I just what? stop? Nope, cause I am still fighting, but it will be more of a mental battle not the physical one. Every headache, sneeze, restless night of sleep will be a struggle. "Is the cancer back?" "Has it spread again?" That will be a struggle and I am sure I will write about it more later.
So only 9 more weeks to go.....
I want to give a shout out to everyone who has prayed with us over this last year. I have felt every prayer and needed EVERY single one of them. We couldn't have done this journey without of prayer community. You guys rock!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Scars
Last week I had my chemo port taken out. For many cancer survivors this is a big day, because it means the end of treatments. For me it was a surgery that needed to be done for practical reasons. One because my doctor was worried about a blood clot forming and two because we have hit our out of pocket limit this year and wanted to get this surgery paid for. Lets hear it for insurance. But it was still a good surgery to be had.
I'm doing well. Sore, sick, and tired but that is more because I am still doing chemo 3X a week not because of the surgery.
I was thinking about all the surgeries and I had this year(all FOUR of them) and more specifically the new scars I have now. I have 4 new ones. They are big, ugly, and I don't like them. But each one tells a story. A story that I need to be PROUD of.
My physical scars tell a story of God's blessing, hope, healing, love, and the battle Jesus has already won for me. Although they are ugly to the eye they are most precious to me. My physical scars tell the world about my story....no, His story in me. And because of that I will WEAR my new scars with pride. I will not be ashamed of those pink zigzag lines.
Friends, I challenge you to do the same. Be proud of your scars. The physical, but more importantly the emotional ones. I have those too. I have had my heart broken by others, been betrayed, lost a baby, watch another baby fight to live, given back my foster babies to another, and now a cancer fight to live as long as God will let me. I have scars from all of those stories, ones that are painful and deep. But there is healing in the hurt. And I want that to be what people see when they see my scars. I want them to see the healing from a Savior who loves us no matter how deep the wounds are.
And to be honest no one will see those scars if I don't show them. I could hide all of my physical scars if I wanted to, and no one would ever see them. But I refuse to do that. I want them to shine. I want to do the same thing with my other scars, I want to share those with others too. I understand wanting to hide that hurt, but others out there are hurting with something similar battles. And trust me when I say that sometimes just hearing that someone else has a similar scar makes a world of difference.
I want everyone to see the "real" me. The one that has been broken and hurt. The one who has lost so much and yet gained even more. The one that is struggling even right now with fighting cancer. The "real Jen". And I pray that ever scar, battle wound, on the inside or outside points others to Jesus.
I invite you to do the same.......
I'm doing well. Sore, sick, and tired but that is more because I am still doing chemo 3X a week not because of the surgery.
I was thinking about all the surgeries and I had this year(all FOUR of them) and more specifically the new scars I have now. I have 4 new ones. They are big, ugly, and I don't like them. But each one tells a story. A story that I need to be PROUD of.
My physical scars tell a story of God's blessing, hope, healing, love, and the battle Jesus has already won for me. Although they are ugly to the eye they are most precious to me. My physical scars tell the world about my story....no, His story in me. And because of that I will WEAR my new scars with pride. I will not be ashamed of those pink zigzag lines.Friends, I challenge you to do the same. Be proud of your scars. The physical, but more importantly the emotional ones. I have those too. I have had my heart broken by others, been betrayed, lost a baby, watch another baby fight to live, given back my foster babies to another, and now a cancer fight to live as long as God will let me. I have scars from all of those stories, ones that are painful and deep. But there is healing in the hurt. And I want that to be what people see when they see my scars. I want them to see the healing from a Savior who loves us no matter how deep the wounds are.
And to be honest no one will see those scars if I don't show them. I could hide all of my physical scars if I wanted to, and no one would ever see them. But I refuse to do that. I want them to shine. I want to do the same thing with my other scars, I want to share those with others too. I understand wanting to hide that hurt, but others out there are hurting with something similar battles. And trust me when I say that sometimes just hearing that someone else has a similar scar makes a world of difference.
I want everyone to see the "real" me. The one that has been broken and hurt. The one who has lost so much and yet gained even more. The one that is struggling even right now with fighting cancer. The "real Jen". And I pray that ever scar, battle wound, on the inside or outside points others to Jesus.I invite you to do the same.......
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
FEAR
Fear is a powerful thing. It has the power to control you, distract you, steal your thoughts, take away your joy, and warp your picture of Christ. Anxiety is the same. Oh and worry, let's not forget worry. It is yet another emotion that Satan uses to destroy us. It's a slow attack, but steady and unwavering. Like digging a hole in the yard with a spoon, it's slow, VERY SLOW, but eventually the job will get done.
I am a control freak. I like knowing what is coming. I'm a planner and a list maker. I like things my way, because let's be honest "my way is just better." I like to think I'm the "fun" girl, but many times I find myself missing fun because I'm off planning or rethinking my plan. I miss sweet moments with my kids because I don't have "time." I stress over the cleanliness of my house even when no one is coming over to see it. I worry about money and feel anxious when I spend it. I lie in bed at night and go over things in my head, over and over and OVER again. Any other controllers feel me?
But, now I have cancer, and it changes A LOT of things. I have a disease now that is trying to kill me. It is slowly trying to destroy everything I love. And one day it just might do that. (I pray that it is a long way away). But, the truth is that I'm going to have to fight for life, and that is not going to change anytime soon. Melanoma (stage 3 and beyond) is not medically curable. You are considered in remission or NED (no evidence of disease) when the cancer is removed and they can't find anymore and you are done with treatments. You are cured of melanoma when you die from something else. (Totally morbid, right?) At least, that is what the smart cancer people say.
I'm not a person who likes stats and numbers but could you ignore these?
Stage IIIC Melanoma: I have a 27% chance to live 5 years after my diagnosis and an 18% chance to live 10 years. (American Cancer Society) My doctors and the treatments I am currently on are working VERY hard to make those numbers better.
Would those numbers make you worry? Would they give you anxiety? Honestly, what would you do if you heard stats like that about YOU? Would you be AFRAID?
Trust me, I have felt every emotion you can feel after hearing that cancer is trying to kill you. But the truth is this: I have Jesus.
And Jesus said this:
On Tuesday, I go in for another surgery (just an outpatient). This might be a shock to some of you, but it happened quickly. I found another spot/lump on my hip and had it looked at. It had been removed before, but it has come back so the surgeon wants to "dig it out" and have it tested. We will know more about the results late next week. If it is cancer, we have some big decisions to make. If it is not cancer then I have another surgery on Nov 30th to get my port removed. (That's good news! I am very excited about that surgery)
This is going to be a new way of life for me. I will have a battle with cancer forever, but I will also spend the rest of my life in a fight with fear. Fear will be there forever, knocking on the door, whispering into my heart, and trying to get into my mind. Pray with me friends. Pray that fear does not win today.
This is what my prayer will be this week and next. Because of the Gospel I don't have to be afraid. Because of Jesus I have HOPE in my heart not FEAR!
Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”
I know that some of you battle with fear, anxiety, and worry. Friends don't let Satan win this fight over your thoughts, dreams, and feelings. The truth is we have nothing to be anxious about, but instead we have the peace of Jesus Christ.
I am a control freak. I like knowing what is coming. I'm a planner and a list maker. I like things my way, because let's be honest "my way is just better." I like to think I'm the "fun" girl, but many times I find myself missing fun because I'm off planning or rethinking my plan. I miss sweet moments with my kids because I don't have "time." I stress over the cleanliness of my house even when no one is coming over to see it. I worry about money and feel anxious when I spend it. I lie in bed at night and go over things in my head, over and over and OVER again. Any other controllers feel me?
But, now I have cancer, and it changes A LOT of things. I have a disease now that is trying to kill me. It is slowly trying to destroy everything I love. And one day it just might do that. (I pray that it is a long way away). But, the truth is that I'm going to have to fight for life, and that is not going to change anytime soon. Melanoma (stage 3 and beyond) is not medically curable. You are considered in remission or NED (no evidence of disease) when the cancer is removed and they can't find anymore and you are done with treatments. You are cured of melanoma when you die from something else. (Totally morbid, right?) At least, that is what the smart cancer people say.
I'm not a person who likes stats and numbers but could you ignore these?
Stage IIIC Melanoma: I have a 27% chance to live 5 years after my diagnosis and an 18% chance to live 10 years. (American Cancer Society) My doctors and the treatments I am currently on are working VERY hard to make those numbers better.
Would those numbers make you worry? Would they give you anxiety? Honestly, what would you do if you heard stats like that about YOU? Would you be AFRAID?
Trust me, I have felt every emotion you can feel after hearing that cancer is trying to kill you. But the truth is this: I have Jesus.
And Jesus said this:
Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
I'm not going to let FEAR or WORRY or ANXIETY rob me of any more minutes. Our time on this earth is just like a breath. It is short whether I die tomorrow or in 70 years. Life is nothing but a vapor. I will NOT live this life tortured with fear, doubt, worry, and anger. I will not let Satan take the life I have left on this earth and plague it with this disease. Because the truth is, while I fight to live, fear, anxiety, and worry are the real killers that if I let win will take away everything I treasure.On Tuesday, I go in for another surgery (just an outpatient). This might be a shock to some of you, but it happened quickly. I found another spot/lump on my hip and had it looked at. It had been removed before, but it has come back so the surgeon wants to "dig it out" and have it tested. We will know more about the results late next week. If it is cancer, we have some big decisions to make. If it is not cancer then I have another surgery on Nov 30th to get my port removed. (That's good news! I am very excited about that surgery)
This is going to be a new way of life for me. I will have a battle with cancer forever, but I will also spend the rest of my life in a fight with fear. Fear will be there forever, knocking on the door, whispering into my heart, and trying to get into my mind. Pray with me friends. Pray that fear does not win today.
This is what my prayer will be this week and next. Because of the Gospel I don't have to be afraid. Because of Jesus I have HOPE in my heart not FEAR!
Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”
I know that some of you battle with fear, anxiety, and worry. Friends don't let Satan win this fight over your thoughts, dreams, and feelings. The truth is we have nothing to be anxious about, but instead we have the peace of Jesus Christ.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Q and A
What are you doing to stay strong?
I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can at this point. But this is difficult because I'm so sick. Unfortunately I find myself having to eat lot's of bread because it's the best thing for my stomach. We have started juicing and I try my best to have 2 juice concoctions a day. I'm trying to not get too consumed with dieting right now, which is hard for me. One of the side effects of the chemo I am on is weight GAIN. Horrifying right?? So I am trying to not freak out, stay strong, and eat well.
I'm also going to the gym 3 times a week. (I'm used to going 5 plus times a week) I'm doing bootcamp with an awesome group of ladies. My trainer Mike lost his Mom to cancer last year and he is helping me A LOT. I'm not as strong or fast as I used to be, but it feels good going to the gym. At the gym I don't think about cancer or chemo. I just try to do my best work. And I feel like it is so good for me right now to stay as strong as I can.
I also LOVE that my kids get a place to just play, hang out with other kids, RUN, and overall have a blast. We go to an awesome gym with an exceptional kids club. They play outside on the playground, do games on the basketball courts, have computer time, do crafts, and fee play. They love it and I love the time I get for myself. I also get a SHOWER by myself. I get to take my time and wash every part of my body and SHAVE!!! No interruptions and I love that!
*picture by Daniel Davis
How are your checkups going?
I'm still only taking half dosage of chemo right now. My doctor is watching my labs closely and I talk to him weekly about the side effects I am experiencing. We're in a good routine right now. I take chemo shots Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. My body is still struggling, but it is getting better. I still get high fevers, nausea, body aches, and bad headaches. But one of the worst things, is the medications I am taking to help with the side effects. I don't like the way I feel on them and I get other side effects to deal with from the pills. At the end of the day I feel like a pill taking machine and I hate that.
When I mention you in prayer...what do you need the most in the way of support?
I need everyone to continue to pray that my body stays strong. I need this chemo and I need to take it for a long time. In the next week or so we will try to get the dosage back up and I want my body to handle it well.
I need my mind to stay strong too. This chemo has a high depression side effect and I don't need that battle too. So far so good, but I could use prayer.
My kids are doing great and you can continue to pray that they don't feel stressed by this.
I love to laugh, so finding ways to help me smile is always the best way to help.
I do have a question, have you ever heard of s flax oil cottage cheese diet? It's more known as the Budwig diet, it may be something to try?
There are too many diets out there for me to keep track of. I could go crazy trying them all. At the end of the day, we all know the right things to eat. Lot's of fruit and veggies, protein, and whole grains. I talk to my doctor a lot, and he is great. We feel like the treatment plan I am on right now will give me the best shot at beating this.
Thanks for the questions.....We'll do it again next week!
I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can at this point. But this is difficult because I'm so sick. Unfortunately I find myself having to eat lot's of bread because it's the best thing for my stomach. We have started juicing and I try my best to have 2 juice concoctions a day. I'm trying to not get too consumed with dieting right now, which is hard for me. One of the side effects of the chemo I am on is weight GAIN. Horrifying right?? So I am trying to not freak out, stay strong, and eat well.
I'm also going to the gym 3 times a week. (I'm used to going 5 plus times a week) I'm doing bootcamp with an awesome group of ladies. My trainer Mike lost his Mom to cancer last year and he is helping me A LOT. I'm not as strong or fast as I used to be, but it feels good going to the gym. At the gym I don't think about cancer or chemo. I just try to do my best work. And I feel like it is so good for me right now to stay as strong as I can.
I also LOVE that my kids get a place to just play, hang out with other kids, RUN, and overall have a blast. We go to an awesome gym with an exceptional kids club. They play outside on the playground, do games on the basketball courts, have computer time, do crafts, and fee play. They love it and I love the time I get for myself. I also get a SHOWER by myself. I get to take my time and wash every part of my body and SHAVE!!! No interruptions and I love that!
*picture by Daniel DavisHow are your checkups going?
I'm still only taking half dosage of chemo right now. My doctor is watching my labs closely and I talk to him weekly about the side effects I am experiencing. We're in a good routine right now. I take chemo shots Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. My body is still struggling, but it is getting better. I still get high fevers, nausea, body aches, and bad headaches. But one of the worst things, is the medications I am taking to help with the side effects. I don't like the way I feel on them and I get other side effects to deal with from the pills. At the end of the day I feel like a pill taking machine and I hate that.
When I mention you in prayer...what do you need the most in the way of support?
I need everyone to continue to pray that my body stays strong. I need this chemo and I need to take it for a long time. In the next week or so we will try to get the dosage back up and I want my body to handle it well.
I need my mind to stay strong too. This chemo has a high depression side effect and I don't need that battle too. So far so good, but I could use prayer.
My kids are doing great and you can continue to pray that they don't feel stressed by this.
I love to laugh, so finding ways to help me smile is always the best way to help.
I do have a question, have you ever heard of s flax oil cottage cheese diet? It's more known as the Budwig diet, it may be something to try?
There are too many diets out there for me to keep track of. I could go crazy trying them all. At the end of the day, we all know the right things to eat. Lot's of fruit and veggies, protein, and whole grains. I talk to my doctor a lot, and he is great. We feel like the treatment plan I am on right now will give me the best shot at beating this.
Thanks for the questions.....We'll do it again next week!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Questions......
I need YOUR help!!!!!!
It's hard to know what to write about on here sometimes. I'm trying to be honest about my cancer journey. But I don't want to write about stuff no body cares about. Writing has helped me get a lot of my feelings, concerns, joys, and fears out there. And that does help me out a lot. But that is NOT why I am writing. I feel like God has a beautiful story to tell and I want to be apart of that. At the end of the day I want my cancer journey to draw people closer to Him.
And so I need your help. Send me some questions. They can be anonymous or you can leave your name. But I need questions.(Please just leave a comment on this post) And I promise to do my best to answer them.
What do you want to know?
Do you want to know more about the treatments I am on? The side effects?
How my husband and my kids are handling this?
What brings me joy?
What makes me scared?
Am I afraid of death?
Do I miss my hair?
Anything. I'd love to answer questions and share them with all my readers every week. Can you help me?
I can handle any question.....I dare you to bring it!
It's hard to know what to write about on here sometimes. I'm trying to be honest about my cancer journey. But I don't want to write about stuff no body cares about. Writing has helped me get a lot of my feelings, concerns, joys, and fears out there. And that does help me out a lot. But that is NOT why I am writing. I feel like God has a beautiful story to tell and I want to be apart of that. At the end of the day I want my cancer journey to draw people closer to Him.
And so I need your help. Send me some questions. They can be anonymous or you can leave your name. But I need questions.(Please just leave a comment on this post) And I promise to do my best to answer them.
What do you want to know?
Do you want to know more about the treatments I am on? The side effects?
How my husband and my kids are handling this?
What brings me joy?
What makes me scared?
Am I afraid of death?
Do I miss my hair?
Anything. I'd love to answer questions and share them with all my readers every week. Can you help me?
I can handle any question.....I dare you to bring it!Saturday, October 15, 2011
Sometimes being on chemo makes me a better Mom...
There are days when I feel like I don't have cancer. That I'm not sick at all. There are days when life just feels normal. My biggest worries on those days is how clean my house is, whether I put the laundry in the dryer, or if my kids have eaten their veggies.
But then there are the other days..... (and unfortunately there are lot's of these days)
Days when cancer is kicking my butt. They are the days when chemo has made me so sick, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't care if the laundry has not been done. And my kids could eat bread all day if they wanted to. Those days are hard. It's hard to smile, to clean, to be a Mom. And yet.....My kids think I am an AWESOME Mom on those days.
I'm tired and very sick. So there is LOTS of free play on those days. And my kids love it! I forget to get on them about chores or school or even brushing their teeth. We just play. (Well, the kids play, and I lay there and watch them) On one of those days, I decided to get my camera (which I still don't really know how to use) out and have a fashion show. I laid on the couch and took pictures of the kids trying on different costumes from the dress-up closet. There were lots of laughs, some interesting costume choices, and I didn't feel as sick once we were done.
But in all seriousness, cancer/chemo has made me slow down. I'm stuck on the couch a lot, which means a lot more cuddle time with my kids. Just last night I laid on the couch with Connor playing a puzzle game on my phone for a long time. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I forget to just drop everything and love on my kids sometimes.
Cancer has made me do that. And that is why sometimes being on chemo makes me a better Mom.
But then there are the other days..... (and unfortunately there are lot's of these days)
Days when cancer is kicking my butt. They are the days when chemo has made me so sick, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't care if the laundry has not been done. And my kids could eat bread all day if they wanted to. Those days are hard. It's hard to smile, to clean, to be a Mom. And yet.....My kids think I am an AWESOME Mom on those days.
I'm tired and very sick. So there is LOTS of free play on those days. And my kids love it! I forget to get on them about chores or school or even brushing their teeth. We just play. (Well, the kids play, and I lay there and watch them) On one of those days, I decided to get my camera (which I still don't really know how to use) out and have a fashion show. I laid on the couch and took pictures of the kids trying on different costumes from the dress-up closet. There were lots of laughs, some interesting costume choices, and I didn't feel as sick once we were done.
But in all seriousness, cancer/chemo has made me slow down. I'm stuck on the couch a lot, which means a lot more cuddle time with my kids. Just last night I laid on the couch with Connor playing a puzzle game on my phone for a long time. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I forget to just drop everything and love on my kids sometimes.
Cancer has made me do that. And that is why sometimes being on chemo makes me a better Mom.
Monday, September 12, 2011
A hard night with my first new treatment...
Today we started a new treatment round of chemo. I was excited about this. 1) Because I didn't have to go to chemo land everyday. 2) The dosage is 50% less than my iv fusions were last month.
But I was also pretty nervous and anxious. This time I knew how it felt to be on chemo and I don't like it all. I'm also scared about how long I will be on this drug. The goal is 11 MONTHS, and that is frightening.
God was faithful and kept me strong for those long 4 weeks both mentally and spiritually, but it was only 4 weeks long. So the question I kept hearing Satan whispering was "Could you keep leaning on him for 11 months or would you throw in the towel and quit?" I DON'T QUIT. But I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't scared.
I had a wonderful morning. Got to the gym and although I am still tired and not 100%, I had a blast kicking butt at bootcamp. I took the kids grocery shopping and fed them lunch. I was on my game. Now I just had to go to chemo-land and learn how to give myself the shots.
Nurse walked me through everything and then gave me a test. I had to do the whole prep and then give myself the shot, while explaining what I was doing and why. I passed. Yippeee and was sent on my way. Every nurse there gave me encouraging words like; "You'll do great." Don't worry it might not be as worse". "You're tough".
I came home and slept, I wanted to give my body rest just in case. And just in case was EXACTLY what happened.
I woke up from my nap with chills (I know that this means a fever eventually), a headache, and aches. Not how I wanted the afternoon/evening to start. I took 2 Vicodin and found my spot on the couch.
6:30pm My chills got worst. I threw on 4 blankets instead of the 1 I had on already and got in the fetal position. My body chills were so bad that my whole body was convulsing. I was panicking a bit too. None of the other chemo nights had been like this. Mentally Satan was taking me down too. I could hear things like; "You can't do this." Too much pain" "Where is your strong God now". I silently prayed with tears streaming down my face, God is stronger! I need him now, cause I can't do this.
My sweet Adam saw that I was having trouble, but he had to get the kids outta of the house. Not only did they need to play outside, but I was getting more upset since they were watching me with big eyes of tears as I battled and battled. I was crying, shaking, having trouble breathing, and to my kids this must have looked frightening. This only stressed me out more, so my breathing started getting even worst. I didn't want my babies effected badly by this cancer, and I didn't want them to see their strong Mom be so weak.
I reminded Connor who was most affected seeing me like this, that God was strong and was going to help me feel better. But deep down I was having doubts. This was horrible.
8:30pm: Chills are worst, headache pounding, and a lot of trouble trying to breathe. I take 2 more Vicodin and call my Mom so she can tell all our friends and family in Oregon to start praying. The shaking is so bad that my teeth are chattering and body is starting to cramp up. I'm breathing really quickly and feeling a little out of control. I'm upset because I don't want to take anymore drugs, especially the ones that don't make me feel right in the head. I'm emotional. (and if you know me I don't get emotional) I'm scared and ready to quit already and keeping thinking THIS IS DAY 1. You have 100's more of these days ahead of you. Can you do this???
I start trying to get myself to settle down, if not then I was going to pass out. I start breathing slowly even though every breath hurts as my body shakes and convulses more and more. Still not a very high fever, and I AM FREEZING. I start saying out-loud; "You can do this, Jen." You are strong." Suddenly I have a moment of clarity which was difficult, because as I feel my body fighting so hard, my mind was weak very weak. "No, Jen you can't do this" I hear as a whisper, but this time a sweet whisper "Jen my beautiful daughter, I can do this." I begin to pray, "God, you can do this. Jesus my sweet sweet savior you can comfort me now." Friends start texting me with scripture and prayers and slowly I am feeling better mentally.
9:05pm My fever is climbing dangerously high. 104 then 104.5. We had to call the doctor then. He told us to take some more medications(funny how doctors can tell you to take more then the bottle says you can) and check the fever every 30 minutes. If it doesn't drop I have to go to the hospital. I also have to take the anti-anxiety pill that I didn't want to. We needed my muscles to relax, my breathing needed to slowdown, and I needed to calm down.
But I couldn't calm down, my head was killing me. I couldn't think straight. I was convulsing, and now burning up. I was panicking at the mere thought of going to the hospital. And embarrassed that my husband was having to talk to me like a child. I cried and begged him not to take me to the hospital, because I was afraid that they were going to commit me to the pysch ward. Seriously, in my head this is what I thought was going on.
9:30pm Fever back down to 104. I'm burning up and sweating, but I have to stay warm and let this fever break. My headache is more like a thumping. And my muscles are beginning to relax as the fever's heat fills me inside out. I'm beginning to finally calm down. Unfortunately I get sick, probably from all the shakes and convulsions. But I know that I'll probably not have to go to the hospital now and that comforts me. I plead sappy/weepy "I'm sorry"s to my husband (He was awesome) And my mind slowly starts coming back to me. I felt like I just got beat up inside and out.
I'm not going to lie. That was hard and I'm scared about what tomorrow and the next day holds for me and this treatment. I wanted to quit tonight. I was mad at my body for being so weak. Frustrated with myself. Worried for my kids and what they saw tonight. BUT...... God was there the whole time. He never once let me go. He was my strength tonight when I had none. He was faithful.
And even though I'm anxious at what tomorrow holds, He'll be faithful then again.
But I was also pretty nervous and anxious. This time I knew how it felt to be on chemo and I don't like it all. I'm also scared about how long I will be on this drug. The goal is 11 MONTHS, and that is frightening.
God was faithful and kept me strong for those long 4 weeks both mentally and spiritually, but it was only 4 weeks long. So the question I kept hearing Satan whispering was "Could you keep leaning on him for 11 months or would you throw in the towel and quit?" I DON'T QUIT. But I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't scared.
I had a wonderful morning. Got to the gym and although I am still tired and not 100%, I had a blast kicking butt at bootcamp. I took the kids grocery shopping and fed them lunch. I was on my game. Now I just had to go to chemo-land and learn how to give myself the shots.
Nurse walked me through everything and then gave me a test. I had to do the whole prep and then give myself the shot, while explaining what I was doing and why. I passed. Yippeee and was sent on my way. Every nurse there gave me encouraging words like; "You'll do great." Don't worry it might not be as worse". "You're tough".
I came home and slept, I wanted to give my body rest just in case. And just in case was EXACTLY what happened.
I woke up from my nap with chills (I know that this means a fever eventually), a headache, and aches. Not how I wanted the afternoon/evening to start. I took 2 Vicodin and found my spot on the couch.
6:30pm My chills got worst. I threw on 4 blankets instead of the 1 I had on already and got in the fetal position. My body chills were so bad that my whole body was convulsing. I was panicking a bit too. None of the other chemo nights had been like this. Mentally Satan was taking me down too. I could hear things like; "You can't do this." Too much pain" "Where is your strong God now". I silently prayed with tears streaming down my face, God is stronger! I need him now, cause I can't do this.
My sweet Adam saw that I was having trouble, but he had to get the kids outta of the house. Not only did they need to play outside, but I was getting more upset since they were watching me with big eyes of tears as I battled and battled. I was crying, shaking, having trouble breathing, and to my kids this must have looked frightening. This only stressed me out more, so my breathing started getting even worst. I didn't want my babies effected badly by this cancer, and I didn't want them to see their strong Mom be so weak.
I reminded Connor who was most affected seeing me like this, that God was strong and was going to help me feel better. But deep down I was having doubts. This was horrible.
8:30pm: Chills are worst, headache pounding, and a lot of trouble trying to breathe. I take 2 more Vicodin and call my Mom so she can tell all our friends and family in Oregon to start praying. The shaking is so bad that my teeth are chattering and body is starting to cramp up. I'm breathing really quickly and feeling a little out of control. I'm upset because I don't want to take anymore drugs, especially the ones that don't make me feel right in the head. I'm emotional. (and if you know me I don't get emotional) I'm scared and ready to quit already and keeping thinking THIS IS DAY 1. You have 100's more of these days ahead of you. Can you do this???
I start trying to get myself to settle down, if not then I was going to pass out. I start breathing slowly even though every breath hurts as my body shakes and convulses more and more. Still not a very high fever, and I AM FREEZING. I start saying out-loud; "You can do this, Jen." You are strong." Suddenly I have a moment of clarity which was difficult, because as I feel my body fighting so hard, my mind was weak very weak. "No, Jen you can't do this" I hear as a whisper, but this time a sweet whisper "Jen my beautiful daughter, I can do this." I begin to pray, "God, you can do this. Jesus my sweet sweet savior you can comfort me now." Friends start texting me with scripture and prayers and slowly I am feeling better mentally.
9:05pm My fever is climbing dangerously high. 104 then 104.5. We had to call the doctor then. He told us to take some more medications(funny how doctors can tell you to take more then the bottle says you can) and check the fever every 30 minutes. If it doesn't drop I have to go to the hospital. I also have to take the anti-anxiety pill that I didn't want to. We needed my muscles to relax, my breathing needed to slowdown, and I needed to calm down.
But I couldn't calm down, my head was killing me. I couldn't think straight. I was convulsing, and now burning up. I was panicking at the mere thought of going to the hospital. And embarrassed that my husband was having to talk to me like a child. I cried and begged him not to take me to the hospital, because I was afraid that they were going to commit me to the pysch ward. Seriously, in my head this is what I thought was going on.
9:30pm Fever back down to 104. I'm burning up and sweating, but I have to stay warm and let this fever break. My headache is more like a thumping. And my muscles are beginning to relax as the fever's heat fills me inside out. I'm beginning to finally calm down. Unfortunately I get sick, probably from all the shakes and convulsions. But I know that I'll probably not have to go to the hospital now and that comforts me. I plead sappy/weepy "I'm sorry"s to my husband (He was awesome) And my mind slowly starts coming back to me. I felt like I just got beat up inside and out.
I'm not going to lie. That was hard and I'm scared about what tomorrow and the next day holds for me and this treatment. I wanted to quit tonight. I was mad at my body for being so weak. Frustrated with myself. Worried for my kids and what they saw tonight. BUT...... God was there the whole time. He never once let me go. He was my strength tonight when I had none. He was faithful.
And even though I'm anxious at what tomorrow holds, He'll be faithful then again.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Hair be gone
I'm so sorry that I haven't been around for awhile, but chemo was kicking my butt. And not just kicking my butt, but taking my mind. The medications I was on were/are really harsh and messed with my head. Let's just say that I don't remember weeks. And it was a very good idea that I did NOT blog in that state: TRUST ME.
But in true Jen-like fashion even though I was very sick and very brain-dead I had a party to throw......a head shaving party!
Cancer is a mean SOB and I hate it. It robs you of a lot of things in life you love. For many it takes their life on this earth. When fighting cancer you lose your strength, your energy, your daily routine, your appetite, your food (literally), your health, your mind, your sleep, your...geez it feels like cancer takes everything some days.
It even takes your hair. And for us ladies that's bigger then I can write about right now. Let's just say that for most of my life I have BATTLED my hair and yet moments here and there before my head shaving party I found myself crying over losing it.
BUT I wasn't going to let cancer take this from me. Not this time! I was going to hold my head high and chop my hair off MYSELF. I wasn't going to let chunk after chunk fall out. I wasn't going to cover my sick hair with a scarf. NOPE! I wasn't letting cancer win this one. Cancer picked a fight with the WRONG GIRL. Cancer might wins some of the little fights, but not this one......
And Morgan my friend and AWESOME hair stylist did the cutting.
Since I have never had my hair "short" we decided to try some styles out while we "went up".
Now we McManus folk aren't your typical family and we HAD to take some fun pictures before we all shaved-shaved our heads. So awesome Morgan gave us all Mohawks. (And NO Alexis did not cut her hair and YES she did not have a choice. Sorry!)
It took a lot of work to get a picture of me NOT smiling. I had such a fun time that night with family and friends. I even chose to NOT take my usual medications so I wouldn't look high in the pictures and had a chance to actually remember that night. It is a miracle that the pain I was in that night didn't bother me one bit. God is so good.
Fuzz heads!
But in true Jen-like fashion even though I was very sick and very brain-dead I had a party to throw......a head shaving party!
Cancer is a mean SOB and I hate it. It robs you of a lot of things in life you love. For many it takes their life on this earth. When fighting cancer you lose your strength, your energy, your daily routine, your appetite, your food (literally), your health, your mind, your sleep, your...geez it feels like cancer takes everything some days.
It even takes your hair. And for us ladies that's bigger then I can write about right now. Let's just say that for most of my life I have BATTLED my hair and yet moments here and there before my head shaving party I found myself crying over losing it.
BUT I wasn't going to let cancer take this from me. Not this time! I was going to hold my head high and chop my hair off MYSELF. I wasn't going to let chunk after chunk fall out. I wasn't going to cover my sick hair with a scarf. NOPE! I wasn't letting cancer win this one. Cancer picked a fight with the WRONG GIRL. Cancer might wins some of the little fights, but not this one......
And Morgan my friend and AWESOME hair stylist did the cutting.
Since I have never had my hair "short" we decided to try some styles out while we "went up".
The men in my life (all of them) decided to surprise me. They had been talking it over and chose to shave their heads too. No worries it made me cry too. So my hubby, my 6 year old Connor, and 4 year old Bryce got hair cuts. Later that night Connor whispered to me that I still looked beautiful. Wow these boys are breaking my heart. I do hope that they remember this experience, because I know I will.
Now we McManus folk aren't your typical family and we HAD to take some fun pictures before we all shaved-shaved our heads. So awesome Morgan gave us all Mohawks. (And NO Alexis did not cut her hair and YES she did not have a choice. Sorry!)
It took a lot of work to get a picture of me NOT smiling. I had such a fun time that night with family and friends. I even chose to NOT take my usual medications so I wouldn't look high in the pictures and had a chance to actually remember that night. It is a miracle that the pain I was in that night didn't bother me one bit. God is so good.
Fuzz heads!Daniel did a beautiful job telling a story of that night in pictures and I would love you to see those too. HERE!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Done with infusions
I'm sorry that I haven't blogged lately. But I have been EXHAUSTED! And the drugs that I have been taking have made me absolutely LOOPY. So loopy that there are a couple days last week that I don't even remember. Apparently I even fell and I don't remember!
The last week of infusion chemo was HARD on my body. My white blood cells went too low and I couldn't even do chemo a couple of days. I was sick, very sick. And like I said before the drugs they had me on made me pretty crazy.
BUT I am done with infusion chemo and have a couple weeks off. My white blood cells are still too low to continue chemo. Once they get back up we will begin doing chemo at home: Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.
My favorite nurse; Cheryl (can you tell that I'm high)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Bad blood, numbness, and CT scans
Today was not a typical day in chemo land. First off my blood came back with bad news. My white blood cells have plummeted. My Doctor take that very seriously and to be honest I really have no clue why. I don't do a good job of paying attention, but I do know that I have been having a very rough week and this could be why. I'm also experiencing numbness and I keep having these epic headaches, which all means an emergency CT scan.
I don't know results yet(results came back clear), but I want to talk about what I feeling while I was laying in that machine. I have been reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is married to singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman and they lost their little baby girl in a tragic car accident, their oldest son was the driver. They pretty much experienced the worst thing I could ever imagine and this book is about their struggle dealing with this tragedy.
So as I lay there with my head stuck inside that huge machine, I couldn't help but think about what I would do if I got bad news again. The Chapman family experienced the worst "bad news" I could think of and they have taken that tragedy and given God glory. They found hope in a situation that seemed hopeless. So I laid there thinking...Would I cling to Jesus again? Or would this be the time that I can't take more bad news?
Yes if the news was bad....Yes if this doesn't kill all the cancer in my body...And yes even if it's tragedy beyond what I think I can handle...
I will have my Jesus.
Here is a song Steven Curtis Chapman wrote after losing his little girl.
I don't know results yet(results came back clear), but I want to talk about what I feeling while I was laying in that machine. I have been reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is married to singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman and they lost their little baby girl in a tragic car accident, their oldest son was the driver. They pretty much experienced the worst thing I could ever imagine and this book is about their struggle dealing with this tragedy.
So as I lay there with my head stuck inside that huge machine, I couldn't help but think about what I would do if I got bad news again. The Chapman family experienced the worst "bad news" I could think of and they have taken that tragedy and given God glory. They found hope in a situation that seemed hopeless. So I laid there thinking...Would I cling to Jesus again? Or would this be the time that I can't take more bad news?
Yes if the news was bad....Yes if this doesn't kill all the cancer in my body...And yes even if it's tragedy beyond what I think I can handle...
I will have my Jesus.
Here is a song Steven Curtis Chapman wrote after losing his little girl.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Week 1 in the books
Well that was a rough week. BUT I made it. And I'm not curled up in a corner sucking my thumb crying while rocking back and forth. Chemo tried to sucker punch me a couple times, but I'm a tough cookie and I AM STILL HERE! I had rough nights, good nights, horrible nights, and so-so nights. I'm happy to put week 1 behind me and looking forward to only 3 more (and then off to the next chemo journey). PRAISE GOD!
Things I learned during Week 1 of Chemo:
* The chemo room still scares me a bit. Mostly because everyone looks SO sick. Even though I've experienced side effects quickly, physically I don't look sick yet. I know that I will eventually look sick and I hate seeing that so vividly everyday.
*Even in the midst of shakes and bad chills I can crack a joke. I love that through this whole thing I have not lost my sense of humor. I love that I can still laugh at this situation and at myself. Praise God for that.
*My husband is a treasure. He writes me a letter everyday and although it makes me cry EVERYDAY, I love that he is doing it. letterstojen.com
*The gym is a pipe dream right now. I'm too weak in the mornings to even try to get to the gym. 2 days this week I have tried to go for a run and have, but I was very weak.
*So will I have to do crossword puzzles someday? Cause all the old people in chemo land LOVE THEM.
*My poor little Alexis is having a hard time saying goodbye to me everyday. That makes me sad. I'm not gone very long, but that little angel loves her Mommy very much. She notices that I am not feeling 100% and tries to make me feel better.
*Vicodin has been the secret to helping me not feel like I have been hit by a truck. Those little miracle pills help with the chills, body aches, and keep the fever under the 102 which is what it wants to climb to.
*When you call the Dr about chest pains, he will MAKE you go to the ER (even if you don't want to) But no worries it was just a weird reaction I was having to the chemo and Vicodin will help with that too.
*No one but the nurses in Chemo land can work my chemo port. I have had 3 IV's put in my arm this week because other nurses can't figure it out. (That kind of cracks me up) I love my nurses!
*I'm pretty sure the old lady sitting next to me right now is dying and no one seems to care. It is another rude reminder that this is going to be a long year.
After week 1 I'm still praising God for his goodness. I don't deserve His love, grace, and mercy. But because I am His child He gives it to me freely.
Things I learned during Week 1 of Chemo:
* The chemo room still scares me a bit. Mostly because everyone looks SO sick. Even though I've experienced side effects quickly, physically I don't look sick yet. I know that I will eventually look sick and I hate seeing that so vividly everyday.
*Even in the midst of shakes and bad chills I can crack a joke. I love that through this whole thing I have not lost my sense of humor. I love that I can still laugh at this situation and at myself. Praise God for that.
*My husband is a treasure. He writes me a letter everyday and although it makes me cry EVERYDAY, I love that he is doing it. letterstojen.com
*The gym is a pipe dream right now. I'm too weak in the mornings to even try to get to the gym. 2 days this week I have tried to go for a run and have, but I was very weak.
*So will I have to do crossword puzzles someday? Cause all the old people in chemo land LOVE THEM.
*My poor little Alexis is having a hard time saying goodbye to me everyday. That makes me sad. I'm not gone very long, but that little angel loves her Mommy very much. She notices that I am not feeling 100% and tries to make me feel better.
*Vicodin has been the secret to helping me not feel like I have been hit by a truck. Those little miracle pills help with the chills, body aches, and keep the fever under the 102 which is what it wants to climb to.
*When you call the Dr about chest pains, he will MAKE you go to the ER (even if you don't want to) But no worries it was just a weird reaction I was having to the chemo and Vicodin will help with that too.
*No one but the nurses in Chemo land can work my chemo port. I have had 3 IV's put in my arm this week because other nurses can't figure it out. (That kind of cracks me up) I love my nurses!
*I'm pretty sure the old lady sitting next to me right now is dying and no one seems to care. It is another rude reminder that this is going to be a long year.
After week 1 I'm still praising God for his goodness. I don't deserve His love, grace, and mercy. But because I am His child He gives it to me freely.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
JOYFUL
Next week, I start a year long journey to DESTROY any cancer cells in my body. It is an aggressive treatment, which is fitting since I have never done ANYTHING in my life half or 50%. It just sounds very "Jen" and yet to be honest I am scared. I have no idea how my body will react to this treatment, and I am NOT good at lying around quietly all day long. But I'm going into this year with a smile on my face and JOY in my heart!
Every since I heard the words "You have cancer" I have felt this whispering to be JOYFUL. It has been a quiet whisper almost too hard to hear at times. That is ridiculous I found myself saying! You can't be JOYFUL with cancer, and a person who is, is most likely the most FAKE person I will have ever met! "I am not fake, God" I found myself saying. Opposite really, I love telling others about my flaws, sins, and mistakes. To be honest, I don't have to "tell" people about them. I wear them like a billboard around my neck. I was kind of mad at the idea of being JOYFUL with cancer, it sounded silly and immature. No one is JOYFUL when fighting for their life. Especially not a young Mom of 3, ESPECIALLY not me. But, I was reminded of the times I went through trials of other kinds, losing a baby, fighting with God for control, watching my precious baby fight for her life, and sending foster children back home. I was not always joyful during those times, which I don't think was necessarily a bad thing. But, for some reason I feel like I am supposed to be JOYFUL in this trial.
Proverbs 17:22 - "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
I'm not being fake or overly spiritual and I would puke in my mouth if people saw my life as that. I'm being as real as I can be. God is helping me find JOY! I have moments ALL the time when I am pissed off, challenged, my faith tested, sad, and fearful for my life. But these moments are ALWAYS cut off by this unnatural need to find JOY. Maybe one of my kids does something absolutely ridiculous and I find myself yanked outta of a depressed fog. One time, God used a friend at the gym to literally smack me in the face (lovingly of course) with a "well at least you have a chance at life, millions don't". That made me just laugh, because it is SO true. Or a best friend who calls me up only to talk about a stupid TV show, if I can still be "that" obsessed with a reality show then surely I have things to be JOYFUL about. Even in the hospital, drugged up, and loathing what God had let happen in my body, minutes later I would be laughing and joking around with a nurse or a doctor. Even now, sitting here writing this post trying to find the right words explaining why I am so JOYFUL through this all, I look up and see a Christmas decoration left out by accident. I was too lazy to put it away months ago when I realized the mistake, and figured it would be okay because it is a simple silver plaque with the letters: J O Y! Seeing it made me laugh out loud.
Today I laid in bed asking again; Why? Why this JOY thing, God?
10 seconds later I found myself watching this video.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!
I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HEALED FROM CANCER!
Maybe not the cancer that is in my body right now, but I have been healed from the cancer that was slowly destroying my soul. I am free, healed, alive, and because of my Savior throughout this cancer journey......
I WILL BE JOYFUL!!
Every since I heard the words "You have cancer" I have felt this whispering to be JOYFUL. It has been a quiet whisper almost too hard to hear at times. That is ridiculous I found myself saying! You can't be JOYFUL with cancer, and a person who is, is most likely the most FAKE person I will have ever met! "I am not fake, God" I found myself saying. Opposite really, I love telling others about my flaws, sins, and mistakes. To be honest, I don't have to "tell" people about them. I wear them like a billboard around my neck. I was kind of mad at the idea of being JOYFUL with cancer, it sounded silly and immature. No one is JOYFUL when fighting for their life. Especially not a young Mom of 3, ESPECIALLY not me. But, I was reminded of the times I went through trials of other kinds, losing a baby, fighting with God for control, watching my precious baby fight for her life, and sending foster children back home. I was not always joyful during those times, which I don't think was necessarily a bad thing. But, for some reason I feel like I am supposed to be JOYFUL in this trial.
Proverbs 17:22 - "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
I'm not being fake or overly spiritual and I would puke in my mouth if people saw my life as that. I'm being as real as I can be. God is helping me find JOY! I have moments ALL the time when I am pissed off, challenged, my faith tested, sad, and fearful for my life. But these moments are ALWAYS cut off by this unnatural need to find JOY. Maybe one of my kids does something absolutely ridiculous and I find myself yanked outta of a depressed fog. One time, God used a friend at the gym to literally smack me in the face (lovingly of course) with a "well at least you have a chance at life, millions don't". That made me just laugh, because it is SO true. Or a best friend who calls me up only to talk about a stupid TV show, if I can still be "that" obsessed with a reality show then surely I have things to be JOYFUL about. Even in the hospital, drugged up, and loathing what God had let happen in my body, minutes later I would be laughing and joking around with a nurse or a doctor. Even now, sitting here writing this post trying to find the right words explaining why I am so JOYFUL through this all, I look up and see a Christmas decoration left out by accident. I was too lazy to put it away months ago when I realized the mistake, and figured it would be okay because it is a simple silver plaque with the letters: J O Y! Seeing it made me laugh out loud.
Today I laid in bed asking again; Why? Why this JOY thing, God?
10 seconds later I found myself watching this video.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!
I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HEALED FROM CANCER!
Maybe not the cancer that is in my body right now, but I have been healed from the cancer that was slowly destroying my soul. I am free, healed, alive, and because of my Savior throughout this cancer journey......
I WILL BE JOYFUL!!
Friday, July 1, 2011
Let the Chemo begin.....
Adam and I met with my oncologist this week and talked about options.
Here is the low down:
1) I begin chemo August 1st. I will go in and get an IV injection EVERYDAY for 4 weeks (I get the weekends off).
2) After the 4 weeks we will begin my 11 month treatment schedule. I will get to give myself injections 3X a week. Probably a Monday, Wednesday, Friday kind of schedule.
3) We have NO IDEA how my body will respond to these treatments. We talked with the doctor and heard EVERY POSSIBILITY. I could do great the whole time and just be kind of sick. I could do horrible the whole time and never get out of bed. I might be great for weeks or months and then hit a wall and react badly. I might do horrible at first and then do better the longer I am on treatment. I could lose all of my hair, maybe just some, or maybe just maybe none. I could throw up everyday. I could have a temperature everyday or only at nights or not at all. I might get body aches, chills, and not want to move or I MIGHT be at the gym everyday (that WILL HAPPEN) I might have a hard time doing anything or maybe life will be able to continue as usual. I could be a little loopy on the drugs or A LOT loopy. (Adam laughed at that part) My white blood cells might do great and keep me strong or they might drop and we will have to do other therapy to get them back up. My liver might show signs of failing or it might rock it out! My body could completely shut down and we will have to talk about other options. My arm might fall off.....oh ok that is not true, but that is how I felt after going over everything with the doctor.
4) I just said "might" 10 times and "could" 6 times. There will be A LOT of mights and coulds and what if's this year. I will WANT to quit. I will WANT to throw in the towel and give up. The doctor told us that a lot of people do. I will NEED your prayers!!!!
5) "We will cross bridges when we get to them." My doctor will not talk about many what if's with us until we HAVE to. He doesn't want us overwhelmed. My focus needs to ONLY be on staying strong and healthy. If something happens "bad" then we will cross that bridge. There are lot's of medications, therapies, and other options if my body reacts badly to something. We will cross those bridges if we need to. I like that my doctor thinks this way, because Adam and I do as well. We are going to take each day one at a time. If I have a bad day then it is just that ONE bad day.
Well that's it for now. We feel good and ready to get on with this journey. We know, trust, and believe that Jesus is with us through this all. I'm not mad or sad, I am great actually. I am blessed and loved and happy to be ALIVE! This could be a hard year we know that, but we also KNOW that our God is faithful, good, and powerful and that what ever happens it is His perfect plan! (One day I will write about my journey and I how my faith has changed throughout the years, because I HAVE had trouble in the past with "bad things happening to good people" (good people being ME.)) My prayer is that at the end of the day, God uses my story to glorify His name. I pray that this cancer journey will show others that there is HOPE EVERLASTING even when you are battling to live. That whatever happens God is good, no GREAT!
Have any questions? I will try to answer all of them.......
Here is the low down:
1) I begin chemo August 1st. I will go in and get an IV injection EVERYDAY for 4 weeks (I get the weekends off).
2) After the 4 weeks we will begin my 11 month treatment schedule. I will get to give myself injections 3X a week. Probably a Monday, Wednesday, Friday kind of schedule.
3) We have NO IDEA how my body will respond to these treatments. We talked with the doctor and heard EVERY POSSIBILITY. I could do great the whole time and just be kind of sick. I could do horrible the whole time and never get out of bed. I might be great for weeks or months and then hit a wall and react badly. I might do horrible at first and then do better the longer I am on treatment. I could lose all of my hair, maybe just some, or maybe just maybe none. I could throw up everyday. I could have a temperature everyday or only at nights or not at all. I might get body aches, chills, and not want to move or I MIGHT be at the gym everyday (that WILL HAPPEN) I might have a hard time doing anything or maybe life will be able to continue as usual. I could be a little loopy on the drugs or A LOT loopy. (Adam laughed at that part) My white blood cells might do great and keep me strong or they might drop and we will have to do other therapy to get them back up. My liver might show signs of failing or it might rock it out! My body could completely shut down and we will have to talk about other options. My arm might fall off.....oh ok that is not true, but that is how I felt after going over everything with the doctor.
4) I just said "might" 10 times and "could" 6 times. There will be A LOT of mights and coulds and what if's this year. I will WANT to quit. I will WANT to throw in the towel and give up. The doctor told us that a lot of people do. I will NEED your prayers!!!!
5) "We will cross bridges when we get to them." My doctor will not talk about many what if's with us until we HAVE to. He doesn't want us overwhelmed. My focus needs to ONLY be on staying strong and healthy. If something happens "bad" then we will cross that bridge. There are lot's of medications, therapies, and other options if my body reacts badly to something. We will cross those bridges if we need to. I like that my doctor thinks this way, because Adam and I do as well. We are going to take each day one at a time. If I have a bad day then it is just that ONE bad day.
Well that's it for now. We feel good and ready to get on with this journey. We know, trust, and believe that Jesus is with us through this all. I'm not mad or sad, I am great actually. I am blessed and loved and happy to be ALIVE! This could be a hard year we know that, but we also KNOW that our God is faithful, good, and powerful and that what ever happens it is His perfect plan! (One day I will write about my journey and I how my faith has changed throughout the years, because I HAVE had trouble in the past with "bad things happening to good people" (good people being ME.)) My prayer is that at the end of the day, God uses my story to glorify His name. I pray that this cancer journey will show others that there is HOPE EVERLASTING even when you are battling to live. That whatever happens God is good, no GREAT!
Have any questions? I will try to answer all of them.......
Friday, June 24, 2011
Back HOME and some good news
I am not going to lie I was pretty down during/after the hospital craziness. Surgery was WAY more complicated than we had hoped. Because of losing all my lymph nodes, I got an infection in my leg. I haven't even started the "hardest" part of this cancer journey, and I just felt sad.
But GOOD NEWS!!! I got "released" from prision...ummm....I mean the hospital on Monday. (Sorry it took so long to update, but we have been battling days filled with junk from CPS, court, and Little M's biological family. For those who are new to following me, we are a foster family and have a little baby girl with us right now. We can't give any details about her case, but it was not good news this week.)
I was so excited about going home. First, because I miss my family so much. And second, because the sooner I got home the better. This is what my husband was tweeting about while I was gone:
But GOOD NEWS!!! I got "released" from prision...ummm....I mean the hospital on Monday. (Sorry it took so long to update, but we have been battling days filled with junk from CPS, court, and Little M's biological family. For those who are new to following me, we are a foster family and have a little baby girl with us right now. We can't give any details about her case, but it was not good news this week.)
I was so excited about going home. First, because I miss my family so much. And second, because the sooner I got home the better. This is what my husband was tweeting about while I was gone:
Yes, that is my only daughter clinging to an Iron Man robot with a head of messy unkept hair. So, the first thing I did when I got home was FIX THAT!
See. Much Better.
Today, I met with my Oncology Surgeon, and it was a wonderful appointment. I have had one drain in my leg for over 3 weeks now and another for a week. I was really looking forward to getting rid of them. They are, as I am sure you can imagine, NOT VERY comfortable. I am also very much looking forward to FINALLY sleeping in my OWN bed tonight (first time in 3 and a half weeks). I am FREE of my crutches, and I can begin rehab on my leg. My doctor had to move one of my leg muscles and reattach it in another place to protect my femoral artery and nerves. So, rehabbing that muscle is what I am going to be working on the most over the next couple of weeks. If I am a "good" student, I could be back to 100% in 3 weeks. Both the doctor and I agreed that "I" could do it in two weeks. So, now it's time for some physical therapy and a little hard work.
I also get to rock these pretty sexy things for a couple more months:
Compression wear is going to be the "new" cool style, right?
Prayer Requests:
Pray that my lymphedema stays under control. I will struggle with this disease for the rest of my life, and my prayer is that I find a way to live with it with no side effects.
Pray for my physical therapy. Pray I listen and do what I need to do to get my leg back to 100%.
Pray for my appointment on Tuesday with me, Adam, and my oncologist. We will be discussing our options for my treatment (chemo, when, where, dosages, how long, etc...) and what the next year will look like realistically for me and our family.
Pray for Little M and her case. There was a major setback this week, and we are not sure what will happen next.
I also get to rock these pretty sexy things for a couple more months:
Compression wear is going to be the "new" cool style, right?Prayer Requests:
Pray that my lymphedema stays under control. I will struggle with this disease for the rest of my life, and my prayer is that I find a way to live with it with no side effects.
Pray for my physical therapy. Pray I listen and do what I need to do to get my leg back to 100%.
Pray for my appointment on Tuesday with me, Adam, and my oncologist. We will be discussing our options for my treatment (chemo, when, where, dosages, how long, etc...) and what the next year will look like realistically for me and our family.
Pray for Little M and her case. There was a major setback this week, and we are not sure what will happen next.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Get to the Hospital Now
Tuesday (June 14th) night almost 1 week after the surgery to remove all the lymph nodes from my leg was just a normal night. My husband had left the day before for a week in California on bussiness and my mother-in-law was in town helping out with the kids. I was on the mend and eager to put this surgery behind me.
At about 8:00pm things started to change. I had struggled with a lot pain and swelling that day and had blamed it on "doing too much" the day before. At 8:30pm I had severe chills and feared immediantly that I was getting a fever. By 9:30pm I had a temperature of 100.7. We called the doctor hotline and waited. 10:00pm I had a temp of 101.8. The doctor called and talked to my mother-in-law and said "Get her to the hospital now".
Our roomate Daniel drove me and I walked right in to a room in the ER because my doctor had called ahead. After a couple of hours, lot's of medication, and a HILARIOUS story I will share soon, the doctor decided that I had infection and HAD to be admited to the hospital.
6 Days later......
I AM STILL HERE!!!
The infection I got was taken care of quite quickly with loads and loads of IV and oral antibiotics. By day 2 I had been given 6 different kinds. My temp was gone, but horrible swelling remained.
The rest of the days here we have been trying to get rid of the swelling. I won't go into a lot of detail incase there is squeamish people out there, but there has been lot's of pain, lot's of drugs, needles, drains, tubes, scalpels, and more compression wear.
My doctor has been great. He knows that I am frustrated and to be honest he is too. But this is an uphill battle. We removed a very important part of my leg. A part that helps fight infection. A part that helps with swelling. A part that my leg is MISSING very much.
I FINALLY got WIFI today, so I will keep everyone updated when I hear something.
I hate staying hospitals, so when I was admitted and landed myself in the coolest hospital room ever I felt very blessed. Check it out....
I have the best recliner and a big screen tv. I have watched more tv this week than in a whole year!
The living room (yes I have a living room) and to the left in my balcony. And I have a full private bathroom.
My view
Here is all the crap they used for just one of the many procedures I have had done. Crazy, right?
Because I have a huge room the kiddos can come over and visit me. I need this! And who wouldn't feel better after seeing these cute faces.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Cancer questions.....
I have been asked a lot of questions about my cancer journey so I thought that I would just answer a bunch of them here.
1) Why do you have to do Chemo? Good question. Especially after finding all clean nodes this last surgery. It all has to do with the type of cancer I have. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma Cancer. Melanoma is a tricking, sneaky, and very bad ass type of cancer. It has a 80% chance of coming back one day. I don't like those odds. By doing Chemo for a year it will knock off another %20 off. I will still need to be checked for cancer coming back, but this is the best shot I have to kill all of it NOW.
2) Will you lose you hair? Ha a question everyone loves to ask. We have no idea. Some people lose their hair some people don't. But I have been told that even if I don't lose my hair my hair will be more than likely very sick looking. If that happens I am fully prepared mentally and physically to shave my head. This gives me a better chance to have healthy hair when treatment is done. Plus I happen to think that I'm going to be a cute bald lady.
3) What are the other side effects of Chemo? Again we are not sure. Everyone responds differently. More than likely I will have fevers, nausea, weakness, no immune system, sadness, and others.
4) When will you start Chemo? We have to wait until I am healed from this last surgery. And since this surgery was a bigger deal than we had hoped that might be almost 6 weeks from now. That happens to be the week before we go to family camp, so we'll probably wait until after camp to begin treatment.
5) What is a chemo port? This thing is weird and kind of creepy to me. But it will make getting injections, receiving medicine, and getting labs taken A LOT easier. My port in located on my chest right under my right collar bone. It sticks out and looks freakish. It still very tender and hurts right now, but I have been told that soon I won't even notice it.
6) What are the side effects from losing all your lymph nodes? The doctor only took all the lymph nodes out of my left leg. So I will have Lymphedema in my leg for the rest of my life. I might never see effects from it or I might have them forever. I will probably have to to wear compression socks when I work out to prevent swelling. I'll need to do physical therapy and possbile massage therapy. My leg will also be very suspectable infections. Anytime I get a cut or bruise I will have to go onto anitbiotics.
6) What can I do to help? We have a care calendar up and running so you can send me your email and we can get you that information. Just remember that we aren't starting treatment until August so that is when we will need to most help. PRAY! Please continue to pray for complete healing. And for my family over this next year.
Any other questions? I would love to answer them. (And trust me if it was any of you going through this I would ask EVERY question I could think of?
1) Why do you have to do Chemo? Good question. Especially after finding all clean nodes this last surgery. It all has to do with the type of cancer I have. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma Cancer. Melanoma is a tricking, sneaky, and very bad ass type of cancer. It has a 80% chance of coming back one day. I don't like those odds. By doing Chemo for a year it will knock off another %20 off. I will still need to be checked for cancer coming back, but this is the best shot I have to kill all of it NOW.
2) Will you lose you hair? Ha a question everyone loves to ask. We have no idea. Some people lose their hair some people don't. But I have been told that even if I don't lose my hair my hair will be more than likely very sick looking. If that happens I am fully prepared mentally and physically to shave my head. This gives me a better chance to have healthy hair when treatment is done. Plus I happen to think that I'm going to be a cute bald lady.
3) What are the other side effects of Chemo? Again we are not sure. Everyone responds differently. More than likely I will have fevers, nausea, weakness, no immune system, sadness, and others.
4) When will you start Chemo? We have to wait until I am healed from this last surgery. And since this surgery was a bigger deal than we had hoped that might be almost 6 weeks from now. That happens to be the week before we go to family camp, so we'll probably wait until after camp to begin treatment.
5) What is a chemo port? This thing is weird and kind of creepy to me. But it will make getting injections, receiving medicine, and getting labs taken A LOT easier. My port in located on my chest right under my right collar bone. It sticks out and looks freakish. It still very tender and hurts right now, but I have been told that soon I won't even notice it.
6) What are the side effects from losing all your lymph nodes? The doctor only took all the lymph nodes out of my left leg. So I will have Lymphedema in my leg for the rest of my life. I might never see effects from it or I might have them forever. I will probably have to to wear compression socks when I work out to prevent swelling. I'll need to do physical therapy and possbile massage therapy. My leg will also be very suspectable infections. Anytime I get a cut or bruise I will have to go onto anitbiotics.
6) What can I do to help? We have a care calendar up and running so you can send me your email and we can get you that information. Just remember that we aren't starting treatment until August so that is when we will need to most help. PRAY! Please continue to pray for complete healing. And for my family over this next year.
Any other questions? I would love to answer them. (And trust me if it was any of you going through this I would ask EVERY question I could think of?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Cancer Update: Surgery #2
Yesterday I went in for another get-cancer-out surgery. We were expecting a very short procedure. Just a couple lymph node removals. Simple. Short. And out of the hospital by lunch.
Boy, were we VERY WRONG! Turns out the Doctor's wanted to take all the lymph nodes out of my groin. This immediately made this surgery more complicated. You need lymph nodes and now that I don't have any in that area I will have to watch out for new complications in my leg. Chronic swelling, infections, loss of circulation, and much more. This can get ugly fast so please be praying that my leg just finds a way to work it out. This will last me for the rest of my life. Because of my "slenderness" (ha that made me laugh)and the amount of stuff he had to take out, my sciatic nerve and femoral artery were too exposed. So the doctor had to reattached a muscle over that spot to help protect them. (that hurts) The 3 inch scar I thought I was getting turned into a 9 inch one. I am very sore. I'll be on crutches for awhile and can't work out the way I like to for 6 weeks. And yes I am pouting about this!
The boys have loved playing broken legs ever since I brought these home.
The doctors also decided to put my chemo port in. This plastic port thingy will make if easier for me to get my chemo injections, take blood work, and receive any other medications. It is right on my chest and is pretty creepy looking. It about the size of a silver dollar and sticks out like my collar bone does. It will be with me for the next year, so I'm doing my best to get used to it.
I was in surgery of almost 3 hours which meant I had to be completely under and tubed. If you have ever had a surgery like that you know that recovery or waking up is hard and painful. And because of the tube they crammed into you mouth and throat everything is sore and tore up for days afterward. When I finally made it out of recovery we found out that my Doctor wanted me to stay the night. This was not good news for me. I HATE staying in hospitals. I've done it many times before and I just don't rest well. But by early evening I did enough charming and convincing with my doctor that he agreed to let me go home for the night.
After convincing my doctor that I would be just fine at home. I was very happy that he finally said YES!
Boy, were we VERY WRONG! Turns out the Doctor's wanted to take all the lymph nodes out of my groin. This immediately made this surgery more complicated. You need lymph nodes and now that I don't have any in that area I will have to watch out for new complications in my leg. Chronic swelling, infections, loss of circulation, and much more. This can get ugly fast so please be praying that my leg just finds a way to work it out. This will last me for the rest of my life. Because of my "slenderness" (ha that made me laugh)and the amount of stuff he had to take out, my sciatic nerve and femoral artery were too exposed. So the doctor had to reattached a muscle over that spot to help protect them. (that hurts) The 3 inch scar I thought I was getting turned into a 9 inch one. I am very sore. I'll be on crutches for awhile and can't work out the way I like to for 6 weeks. And yes I am pouting about this!
The boys have loved playing broken legs ever since I brought these home.The doctors also decided to put my chemo port in. This plastic port thingy will make if easier for me to get my chemo injections, take blood work, and receive any other medications. It is right on my chest and is pretty creepy looking. It about the size of a silver dollar and sticks out like my collar bone does. It will be with me for the next year, so I'm doing my best to get used to it.
I was in surgery of almost 3 hours which meant I had to be completely under and tubed. If you have ever had a surgery like that you know that recovery or waking up is hard and painful. And because of the tube they crammed into you mouth and throat everything is sore and tore up for days afterward. When I finally made it out of recovery we found out that my Doctor wanted me to stay the night. This was not good news for me. I HATE staying in hospitals. I've done it many times before and I just don't rest well. But by early evening I did enough charming and convincing with my doctor that he agreed to let me go home for the night.
After convincing my doctor that I would be just fine at home. I was very happy that he finally said YES!Overall the day went as well as it could have. Now we wait AGAIN. We wait for results from these lymph nodes. Praying that this is the last surgery. We wait to see how my legs does with out all these lymph nodes. We wait for my body to full recover before we can begin Chemo. And I have to wait much longer than I hoped to get back to the gym so I can keep my body strong.
For those curious we are going to set up a Care Calendar so make sure I have your info if you want to help out. Thanks for all the prayers and love!! This is just another step closer to beating this!
For those curious we are going to set up a Care Calendar so make sure I have your info if you want to help out. Thanks for all the prayers and love!! This is just another step closer to beating this!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Cancer Update: Oncologist meet up
Today was a big day.
I had a PET/CT scan last week and was waiting to hear results. And today I was meeting with my oncologist and I had a talk with my surgeon.
First, PRAISE GOD the scan was clean. I don't have any recognizable cancer in my body. This is huge people especially since they had found cancer in my lymph nodes.
So what's next???
A LOT actually!
Sometime in the next two weeks I have another surgery. The surgeon will be taking 2 more lymph nodes out of my groin. We still don't know if there is cancer in them. The CT/PET scan can't detect individual cancer cells, just large groups of them. If they find more cancer cells, we go in again to take more and so on. We do this until we get clean lymph nodes.
Then after a good recovery period I will start my treatment. This will be a YEAR LONG journey. It is like a chemo treatment, but melanoma cancer does not respond well to the drugs in Chemo. So I will be taking a different type of drug. But it has the same affects as Chemo. I will be sick, tired, sore, my immune system will be gone, I might lose my hair, I might get sores, I might just feel like death warmed over. It's going to be a LONG and HARD 12 months. But I feel good about it. (I'll do another post about this, but God is stronger)
Prayer Requests:
First EVERYONE let's PRAISE GOD for a clean scan. Battling melanoma somewhere else in my body would have been the worst case at this point. And since I was a stage 3 cancer patient, it would have bumped me into stage 4.
Pray for my upcoming surgery. Pray for the surgeon. Pray that there is no more cancer in my lymph node system. And pray against some of the risks that we have now. Because the surgeon is taking more of my lymph nodes there are some big ones. We need my healthy lymph nodes to step up to the plate so to say. They need to take over the job of the now gone lymph nodes. There is a risk that I could lose some circulation in my left leg or develop chronic swelling (not good).
Begin praying for this next year and what it is going to look like for our family.
I had a PET/CT scan last week and was waiting to hear results. And today I was meeting with my oncologist and I had a talk with my surgeon.
First, PRAISE GOD the scan was clean. I don't have any recognizable cancer in my body. This is huge people especially since they had found cancer in my lymph nodes.
So what's next???
A LOT actually!
Sometime in the next two weeks I have another surgery. The surgeon will be taking 2 more lymph nodes out of my groin. We still don't know if there is cancer in them. The CT/PET scan can't detect individual cancer cells, just large groups of them. If they find more cancer cells, we go in again to take more and so on. We do this until we get clean lymph nodes.
Then after a good recovery period I will start my treatment. This will be a YEAR LONG journey. It is like a chemo treatment, but melanoma cancer does not respond well to the drugs in Chemo. So I will be taking a different type of drug. But it has the same affects as Chemo. I will be sick, tired, sore, my immune system will be gone, I might lose my hair, I might get sores, I might just feel like death warmed over. It's going to be a LONG and HARD 12 months. But I feel good about it. (I'll do another post about this, but God is stronger)
Prayer Requests:
First EVERYONE let's PRAISE GOD for a clean scan. Battling melanoma somewhere else in my body would have been the worst case at this point. And since I was a stage 3 cancer patient, it would have bumped me into stage 4.
Pray for my upcoming surgery. Pray for the surgeon. Pray that there is no more cancer in my lymph node system. And pray against some of the risks that we have now. Because the surgeon is taking more of my lymph nodes there are some big ones. We need my healthy lymph nodes to step up to the plate so to say. They need to take over the job of the now gone lymph nodes. There is a risk that I could lose some circulation in my left leg or develop chronic swelling (not good).
Begin praying for this next year and what it is going to look like for our family.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Cancer Update: Not over
The surgery last Wednesday was a great success. Praise God that the surgeon was able to take out the whole tumor. He also took a lymph node to have tested for cancer cells. He said that the lymph node looked good in the microscope and felt positive about the day. Praise GOD!
We have been waiting for a call about that lymph nodes since Friday. I've been battling bad thoughts all weekend. Especially since a nurse told me that they had the results, but that the doctor had to read them to me. He was in surgery all day Friday and Monday so I had to wait for him. Satan had all kinds of fun planting bad thoughts into my head about that!
Tonight the doctor finally called. And I wish that I could tell you good news. Unfortunately my lymph node had melanoma cancer cells in it.
This battle is not over.
Tomorrow my oncologist and my surgeon will have a pow wow. And I should have a PET scan this week then we go from there.
That's all we know for now.
Prayer Requests:
1) This news was a giant punch in the gut. I really thought that the results would come back negative. Please pray that I continue to keep positive thoughts and stay grounded in the Truth. Overall we continue to feel very positive about everything and know that God plan's in ALL of this is perfect. I've said it before, but I will not let cancer or Satan or any bad news rob me of the Joy I have in Christ and all the blessings he has given me.
2) Continue to pray for my family as we continue to battle this one.
3) Pray for the doctors, and tests, and for my body to heal from this last surgery. If I'm going to need another surgery I have to be healed up first.
We have been waiting for a call about that lymph nodes since Friday. I've been battling bad thoughts all weekend. Especially since a nurse told me that they had the results, but that the doctor had to read them to me. He was in surgery all day Friday and Monday so I had to wait for him. Satan had all kinds of fun planting bad thoughts into my head about that!
Tonight the doctor finally called. And I wish that I could tell you good news. Unfortunately my lymph node had melanoma cancer cells in it.
This battle is not over.
Tomorrow my oncologist and my surgeon will have a pow wow. And I should have a PET scan this week then we go from there.
That's all we know for now.
Prayer Requests:
1) This news was a giant punch in the gut. I really thought that the results would come back negative. Please pray that I continue to keep positive thoughts and stay grounded in the Truth. Overall we continue to feel very positive about everything and know that God plan's in ALL of this is perfect. I've said it before, but I will not let cancer or Satan or any bad news rob me of the Joy I have in Christ and all the blessings he has given me.
2) Continue to pray for my family as we continue to battle this one.
3) Pray for the doctors, and tests, and for my body to heal from this last surgery. If I'm going to need another surgery I have to be healed up first.
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