FEAR

Fear is a powerful thing. It has the power to control you, distract you, steal your thoughts, take away your joy, and warp your picture of Christ. Anxiety is the same. Oh and worry, let's not forget worry. It is yet another emotion that Satan uses to destroy us. It's a slow attack, but steady and unwavering. Like digging a hole in the yard with a spoon, it's slow, VERY SLOW, but eventually the job will get done.

I am a control freak. I like knowing what is coming. I'm a planner and a list maker. I like things my way, because let's be honest "my way is just better." I like to think I'm the "fun" girl, but many times I find myself missing fun because I'm off planning or rethinking my plan. I miss sweet moments with my kids because I don't have "time." I stress over the cleanliness of my house even when no one is coming over to see it. I worry about money and feel anxious when I spend it. I lie in bed at night and go over things in my head, over and over and OVER again. Any other controllers feel me?

But, now I have cancer, and it changes A LOT of things. I have a disease now that is trying to kill me. It is slowly trying to destroy everything I love. And one day it just might do that. (I pray that it is a long way away). But, the truth is that I'm going to have to fight for life, and that is not going to change anytime soon. Melanoma (stage 3 and beyond) is not medically curable. You are considered in remission or NED (no evidence of disease) when the cancer is removed and they can't find anymore and you are done with treatments. You are cured of melanoma when you die from something else. (Totally morbid, right?) At least, that is what the smart cancer people say.

I'm not a person who likes stats and numbers but could you ignore these?

Stage IIIC Melanoma: I have a 27% chance to live 5 years after my diagnosis and an 18% chance to live 10 years. (American Cancer Society) My doctors and the treatments I am currently on are working VERY hard to make those numbers better.

Would those numbers make you worry? Would they give you anxiety? Honestly, what would you do if you heard stats like that about YOU? Would you be AFRAID?

Trust me, I have felt every emotion you can feel after hearing that cancer is trying to kill you. But the truth is this: I have Jesus.

And Jesus said this:

Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

I'm not going to let FEAR or WORRY or ANXIETY rob me of any more minutes. Our time on this earth is just like a breath. It is short whether I die tomorrow or in 70 years. Life is nothing but a vapor. I will NOT live this life tortured with fear, doubt, worry, and anger. I will not let Satan take the life I have left on this earth and plague it with this disease. Because the truth is, while I fight to live, fear, anxiety, and worry are the real killers that if I let win will take away everything I treasure.

On Tuesday, I go in for another surgery (just an outpatient). This might be a shock to some of you, but it happened quickly. I found another spot/lump on my hip and had it looked at. It had been removed before, but it has come back so the surgeon wants to "dig it out" and have it tested. We will know more about the results late next week. If it is cancer, we have some big decisions to make. If it is not cancer then I have another surgery on Nov 30th to get my port removed. (That's good news! I am very excited about that surgery)

This is going to be a new way of life for me. I will have a battle with cancer forever, but I will also spend the rest of my life in a fight with fear. Fear will be there forever, knocking on the door, whispering into my heart, and trying to get into my mind. Pray with me friends. Pray that fear does not win today.

This is what my prayer will be this week and next. Because of the Gospel I don't have to be afraid. Because of Jesus I have HOPE in my heart not FEAR!

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”

I know that some of you battle with fear, anxiety, and worry. Friends don't let Satan win this fight over your thoughts, dreams, and feelings. The truth is we have nothing to be anxious about, but instead we have the peace of Jesus Christ.

Hair be gone

I'm so sorry that I haven't been around for awhile, but chemo was kicking my butt. And not just kicking my butt, but taking my mind. The medications I was on were/are really harsh and messed with my head. Let's just say that I don't remember weeks. And it was a very good idea that I did NOT blog in that state: TRUST ME.

But in true Jen-like fashion even though I was very sick and very brain-dead I had a party to throw......a head shaving party!

Cancer is a mean SOB and I hate it. It robs you of a lot of things in life you love. For many it takes their life on this earth. When fighting cancer you lose your strength, your energy, your daily routine, your appetite, your food (literally), your health, your mind, your sleep, your...geez it feels like cancer takes everything some days.

It even takes your hair. And for us ladies that's bigger then I can write about right now. Let's just say that for most of my life I have BATTLED my hair and yet moments here and there before my head shaving party I found myself crying over losing it.

BUT I wasn't going to let cancer take this from me. Not this time! I was going to hold my head high and chop my hair off MYSELF. I wasn't going to let chunk after chunk fall out. I wasn't going to cover my sick hair with a scarf. NOPE! I wasn't letting cancer win this one. Cancer picked a fight with the WRONG GIRL. Cancer might wins some of the little fights, but not this one......

Our roommate Daniel Davis took photos for me. He is such a blessing to my family.

And Morgan my friend and AWESOME hair stylist did the cutting.
Since I have never had my hair "short" we decided to try some styles out while we "went up".

The men in my life (all of them) decided to surprise me. They had been talking it over and chose to shave their heads too. No worries it made me cry too. So my hubby, my 6 year old Connor, and 4 year old Bryce got hair cuts. Later that night Connor whispered to me that I still looked beautiful. Wow these boys are breaking my heart. I do hope that they remember this experience, because I know I will.

Now we McManus folk aren't your typical family and we HAD to take some fun pictures before we all shaved-shaved our heads. So awesome Morgan gave us all Mohawks. (And NO Alexis did not cut her hair and YES she did not have a choice. Sorry!)

It took a lot of work to get a picture of me NOT smiling. I had such a fun time that night with family and friends. I even chose to NOT take my usual medications so I wouldn't look high in the pictures and had a chance to actually remember that night. It is a miracle that the pain I was in that night didn't bother me one bit. God is so good.
Fuzz heads!

Daniel did a beautiful job telling a story of that night in pictures and I would love you to see those too. HERE!

JOYFUL

Next week, I start a year long journey to DESTROY any cancer cells in my body. It is an aggressive treatment, which is fitting since I have never done ANYTHING in my life half or 50%. It just sounds very "Jen" and yet to be honest I am scared. I have no idea how my body will react to this treatment, and I am NOT good at lying around quietly all day long. But I'm going into this year with a smile on my face and JOY in my heart!

Every since I heard the words "You have cancer" I have felt this whispering to be JOYFUL. It has been a quiet whisper almost too hard to hear at times. That is ridiculous I found myself saying! You can't be JOYFUL with cancer, and a person who is, is most likely the most FAKE person I will have ever met! "I am not fake, God" I found myself saying. Opposite really, I love telling others about my flaws, sins, and mistakes. To be honest, I don't have to "tell" people about them. I wear them like a billboard around my neck. I was kind of mad at the idea of being JOYFUL with cancer, it sounded silly and immature. No one is JOYFUL when fighting for their life. Especially not a young Mom of 3, ESPECIALLY not me. But, I was reminded of the times I went through trials of other kinds, losing a baby, fighting with God for control, watching my precious baby fight for her life, and sending foster children back home. I was not always joyful during those times, which I don't think was necessarily a bad thing. But, for some reason I feel like I am supposed to be JOYFUL in this trial.

Proverbs 17:22 - "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

I'm not being fake or overly spiritual and I would puke in my mouth if people saw my life as that. I'm being as real as I can be. God is helping me find JOY! I have moments ALL the time when I am pissed off, challenged, my faith tested, sad, and fearful for my life. But these moments are ALWAYS cut off by this unnatural need to find JOY. Maybe one of my kids does something absolutely ridiculous and I find myself yanked outta of a depressed fog. One time, God used a friend at the gym to literally smack me in the face (lovingly of course) with a "well at least you have a chance at life, millions don't". That made me just laugh, because it is SO true. Or a best friend who calls me up only to talk about a stupid TV show, if I can still be "that" obsessed with a reality show then surely I have things to be JOYFUL about. Even in the hospital, drugged up, and loathing what God had let happen in my body, minutes later I would be laughing and joking around with a nurse or a doctor. Even now, sitting here writing this post trying to find the right words explaining why I am so JOYFUL through this all, I look up and see a Christmas decoration left out by accident. I was too lazy to put it away months ago when I realized the mistake, and figured it would be okay because it is a simple silver plaque with the letters: J O Y! Seeing it made me laugh out loud.

Today I laid in bed asking again; Why? Why this JOY thing, God?

10 seconds later I found myself watching this video.


Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HEALED FROM CANCER!

Maybe not the cancer that is in my body right now, but I have been healed from the cancer that was slowly destroying my soul. I am free, healed, alive, and because of my Savior throughout this cancer journey......

I WILL BE JOYFUL!!

Finding joy.....

Greetings Everyone,

WOW what a week! I still can't believe it's Friday already, did that feel fast to anyone else? Alexis is doing great! Every time we see her there is good news and I'm hoping she can come home VERY SOON. Please continue to pray.

I have decided to share with you all the joys I have personally experienced these last couple of days. I am sure I will blog about this expereince again, but for now I am trying to find joy in every situation. If there is one thing I have learned so far it is that even in my darkness moments God is there forever ready to shower me with love, peace, and much needed comfort. My heart goes out to those who don't know Jesus when times get seemingly unbearable. Trust me I had those moments!!!

1) The night I went to the hospital nether Adam nor I believed that I was going into labor, I really just wanted a nice sleeping pill. So when the nurse looked up and said "You're not leaving here without a baby" it was quite a SHOCK! The next moments calling my husband were quite comical. Remember that it was late and we were tired. We were not prepared so Adam had to pack my bag. Imagine the humor as I tried to explain where my panties were, which shirts I needed, what make-up to bring, and so on. First off I wear make up most days and not a lot, but for some reason my husband still has no idea where it is or what I use. Second, let me just say this, the day after birth when I went looking through the bag I found two bathing suit tops. Apparently I was going to swim. :D It was great fun teasing him! Good job Love!

2) The adrenaline burst I got when I only needed to push for 4 seconds. I would later have many moments when I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother, but right then I felt like I deserved a gold medal or something.

3) Late night cable TV! Your hilarious ways and silly shows were just what I needed late nights when I had to lay there without my baby and pump. It was just a great distraction!

4) The joy of seeing Connor meet his sister. I was not there there first time and got a play by play from Adam. But the second time I got to see how beautiful it was. A smile never left his face and knowing that he was going to watch over her for the rest of their lives melted my heart.

5) Our friends and family immediately came to our rescue when things got tough. The Sadlers dropped everything and watched the boys allowing us to concentrate on having a baby earlier than we planned. The Minters came over and distracted us, our kids happily destroyed our house and sounds of laughter filled the rooms. Adam's parents got down here as fast as they could and have been taking great care of the boys and our house. I have not had to worry about cleaning, laundry, dishes, or groceries yet! And everyone else who has been covering us with prayer and encouragement. I feel so blessed to have so many people who love us so much!

6) The sweet minutes I get to hold my sweet Alexis. I was quickly reminded how easily I took for granted the pure privilege it was to have unlimited snuggle times with my boys. It also helped remind me that the time I get with all my babies as babies is SO short and to treasure every second when they are in my arms.

7) The hours I spent walking the halls of the hospital. Yes it was the only time during the night that my back wasn't completely burning with pain. But I also got to spend most minutes praying over Alexis and the boys, singing praises, and meditating on my Savior. Little did I know that I would need those moments later when times got so hard. I am still in awe every time I experience a type of pain that makes it hard to breath and how quickly the love of my Savior washes over and melts every bad thought or feeling away. What a faithful and wonderful Father we serve.

8) Finally my husband, Adam. I know that I made an exceptional choice when I married him and I love experiencing the times I am reminded that he is the only person I could ever imagine sharing my life with. But when times got really hard he became that rock I needed to keep me grounded in the Truth. His quiet way that calms my anxious heart, his sweet touches that remind me that he is always there, the way he can get me to smile even when I don't feel like it, and most importantly stepping up as a strong man of God and praying over me and my daughter when we needed it the most have been some of the most important moments over this last week. I love you!

I will continue to find the joy all situations and challenge you to do the same! Now sit back and enjoy some JOY as you watch a video of our BEAUTIFUL ALEXIS. I love you!

Alexis - Just Looking Around from Adam McManus on Vimeo.