The McManus Life

Let's go ride a bike...

2012-01-26T22:31:00.010-06:00

We are an outside kind of family. We love doing things out and about. And especially if it involves bikes. I have raced a triathlon and was training for another when I was diagnosed with cancer. Adam does a competition with a couple buddies to see how many miles he can ride in one year. And he just accepted a position with a company who is all about cycling called "Map My Fitness"(Yay Adam!). Watching the Tour de France is a 3 week event in our house each summer.

One of the reasons we love Austin so much is because this city is all about getting outside and doing something too. And this city LOVES cycling. So it is a celebration when our kids start riding with us.

Connor picked up riding a two-wheeler very quickly. He kind of just got it. He has no fear and just jumped on and went. His current love is his roller-blades and that kid is CRAZY on them. We will soon have a little half ramp so he can learn how to do more tricks. If that kids is outside on something that "goes" then he is in heaven.Bryce is another story. He does not enjoy "trying" anything new. He wants to do things that he is good at and bike riding was not one of those things. We got him a big wheel when we was 3 and he has been dominating the road on that thing ever since. And to be honest Adam and I thought that he would ride that thing forever.
But about a week ago he told me that he wanted to ride a two wheel bike(which made me a little nervous). But I wanted him to do it, so we started practicing. I let him just tool around on the bike without worrying about the pedals at first. He got used to balancing on the bike and how to put his feet down when the bike was tipping over. Then today we tried pedaling. I held onto the back of the seat for about a minute until he got the feel and then.....OFF HE WENT. He just got it. He rode all day long and was so proud of himself. And we are super proud of him too. Way to go, Bubba!
We only have one more McManus to go....

How are the kids doing?

2012-01-21T23:10:00.012-06:00

I get asked this question a lot. And it is a good one.

The fast simple answer is "They just don't get it" and "They are doing fine." But the truth is: it is a little bit more complicated than that.

Connor knows that I am sick. He has seen me at some of my worst moments and has even shed a few tears. But life for Connor is pretty wonderful. On my bad days he gets extra Wii time and time on the computer. We go to the gym 3X a week and he loves it there. He loves playing basketball, dodge ball, and helping the teachers. He also LOVES doing karate and is really good at it. We kept Connor at home this year and have been doing school with him. He is doing awesome. Connor is the oldest and loves being the boss, but I have loved watching him become a more compassionate and better older brother every day. He is my helper, and he is very excited about calling 9-1-1 if I ever need him to, seriously he asks quite a bit if he can call me an ambulance. Ha

Bryce doesn't understand that I am sick. But he gets that he can cuddle and lay on the couch with me A LOT and he LOVES that! And he also loves all the extra TV time. His personality is more of an at-home kind of dude, so he has loved that we stay in the house a lot more. One of our favorite things to do is coloring and drawing. I draw a picture of him and he colors it. He is the first person in the house to notice when I am having a good day and actually get dressed up, hair done, and make up on. And he still thinks that I am pretty. ( I love that)

Alexis is having the hardest time with this cancer journey. She is VERY attached to Mommy and all the hospital visits, doctor appointments, surgeries, and laying the couch have her very paranoid. I can't walk into the other room without her checking on me. It is super adorable and super kind of crazy. Poor little thing just knows something is wrong, but she doesn't know what. But because of all this time at home she is also getting pretty spoiled. I take a nap every day and so does she, so naturally we take a nap together. I haven't broken her enough to mess up her sleeping in her bed in her room at night, but naptime....yup I have broken that one. We love having a couple minutes to giggle and talk before we fall asleep. She is the first McManus kiddo who has been all about Mom, and secretly I LOVE IT! But I do worry that she doesn't understand what is going on and the fact that I can't get up to go to the bathroom without her freaking out is pretty disconcerting. Luckily, she loves going to church and the gym and has never cried there, so she can't be too broken. She also thinks that she has a headache whenever I have one too.

Because I am sick or laying on the couch more than ever, Daddy has had more and more "kid time" lately. And I love that. Dad just does the "cool stuff" and the boys especially love it. One of their favorite activities is going out into the woods and just exploring. I hate having cancer and I hate being sick and I HATE fighting so hard to live. But God is so good and He gives me these moments that make my heart sing.

It's hard having cancer at such a young age. And it's even harder being a wife and Mom. But it is not quite as hard having cancer with kids who are young. And I praise God for that. I am strong and I think that I am fighting this fight pretty well. BUT if I had to watch my kids struggle with having a Mom who is sick, that would be too difficult. I don't have to answer any "big" questions yet. They don't have any anxiety or even get what cancer is. They have never lost anyone close to them, so they don't really get that either.

So, their Mom lays on the couch more than usual. So, the littlest one REALLY loves her Mommy. So, all the kids get just a little bit more Daddy-time. So what? Connor, Bryce, and Alexis' Mommy has cancer, and it is not really a big deal.

So, when you ask me "How are the kids doing?" The truth really is..."Great."

Praise God for that.

Good News but NOT Great News

2012-01-17T19:57:00.003-06:00

Last night was a BAD night. I consider myself a tough cookie, but every once in awhile chemo completely kicks my pants. I had a high fever, body tremors, killer headache, and puking lots of puking. Mentally I felt weak, very weak. There was tears, frustration, and lots of praying. I felt pretty crappy today, luckily Adam stayed home and let me rest. I needed that.

I also needed to hear some good news. So when my Doctor's office called with results from last week's biopsy I was excited.

Good News: NO NEW CANCER CELLS!!! Praise the Lord. That really would have just crushed me.

Bad News: It was not a clean result. I had abnormal cells. That could be nothing or it could be something. So we wait and we check it again.

I really wanted a clean scan and then a clean biopsy. I wanted to hear "Everything looks great, Jen. Everything is working" But I didn't hear "bad news". And I need to Praise God for that.

We have questions. Lots of questions. And will schedule a sit down with my oncology team. Mostly because I don't understand why spots keep showing up(spots that are not from the sun.) And mostly because I don't understand why my body is still struggling so badly on chemo. And mostly because I am bothered that I am still not taking the "full" dosage of chemo. Thanks again for all the prayers. We will keep fighting and continue on.....

And here is some more good news: I am a blond again. I was super excited that my hair was growing in. But I was feeling very "boy hair". So I got blond highlights and I feel much better.

Thoughts from my journal....

2012-01-16T20:30:00.003-06:00

I decided to share some of my thoughts from my journal regularly with you. I will post them on the blog and then have a special page tab so you can go straight there to see the new and old ones all together.....

Enjoy.

Dear God,

I went in for another scan today. I really thought that this one would be completely clean. I really thought that we “deserved” good news this time. I really thought that I needed to hear that they found nothing this time. I really…….

The Doctor did find another suspicious spot. And today I was reminded that this is going to be a loooooong battle. I may not always take having an incurable cancer seriously. Today I do.

I “deserve” a lot worse. And sometimes I need to be reminded. And sometimes I need to remember that you don’t work that way. And that you have already saved me from death.

-Jan 12^th, 2012

Dear God,

I can’t believe this is already my 3^rd day doing chemo in the infusion room. I call it cancerland, cause that is what it feels like: a different land. The people are soooo sick here. Am I going to get that sick?

I sat next to an old man, he was alone and sad looking. I talked to him as we looked at the window. He smiled once and then took a nap.

I pretended to take a nap too. But really I just there thinking. Thinking about how blessed I am. And about how I want to share my joy with others. That fact that I can still smile as big as I do is a miracle.

And I want to share that with others……

-August 3^rd , 2011

Dear God,

Bryce asked me today about his future wife.

B: Who am I going to marry, Mom?

Me: God has picked out a perfect girl for you to marry. But in a long, long, long, time.

B: Is she going to be pretty?

Me: Baby, she is going to be the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. Like a princess!

B: (huge smile on his face) Wow. God really loves me.

That was adorable. And he is right, God you do love us!!!

-Jan 15^th, 2012

Dear God,

I have been the hospital for 2 days and it really feels like I will never get out of here. I am pretty high right now, so I am sure that this does not make sense.

I miss my Adam. And I wish he was here.

I am so glad that my Dad is living in Austin now. Everyday I wake up and find him visiting me. He gets up early and heads over to the hospital. He cracks me up because he doesn't wake me up, just turns on the TV, makes some coffee for himself, and sometimes munches on my breakfast. And I LOVE IT!!!

Thank you for an earthly Father that just loves me. A Daddy who wakes up early in the morning and heads over to hang out with his daughter in the hospital.

-June 17th, 2011

Where have you been, Jen?

2012-01-04T17:27:00.007-06:00

In a short answer? I have been playing "Hotel McManus" for weeks and weeks and weeks now.

Whew that was a crazy bunch of weeks. Last summer when the holidays and family plans came up for discussion, everyone (including me) thought that it would be a WONDERFULLY AWESOME idea that I NOT travel during the holidays. I am still taking chemo shots 3X a week so I get sick a lot and have a low immune system so traveling would have been a disaster. But that also meant that I was host to EVERY family member for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. Was I stressed? Nah not really, I love my family. Did I freak out? Nope, although I did make my family help cook ALL those meals. Was it hard work? Maybe. I washed more sheets, blankets, and towels than I have in years. And I cleaned my house like a mad woman. AND I took a nap everyday no matter what everyone else was doing Did you have fun? I had a BLAST and so did everyone else. RIGHT?

So that is why I have been so quiet lately. I have been loving and being loved on by my family. And without sounding too sappy and silly, it meant a lot to me. Fighting for your life forces you to look at things differently and one of those things is spending time with family. God hand picked my family just for me and this year I was reminded of that even more.

This is my Mom's family. We haven't been "all" together since my wedding 9 years ago. What a blast we had. The weather was perfect, we did all the fun tourist things in Austin, and we were VERY LOUD!

Papa and Debi live in Austin now and we love having them close by. We loved celebrating the season with them. Here we are riding our neighborhood's hayride to see Christmas lights. (That is Hotel McManus in the background, we need to step it up on lights....huh?)

Adam's parents live 3 hours a way on a boat at the BEACH!!! I love the beach. And I also love that they drive up whenever just to spend time with us. We enjoyed a beautiful Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with Granny and Granddad.
Our oldest "son" Daniel still lives with us (which me might have to do FOREVER) and he loves to invite friends over to stay at our hotel. At one point we had 13 people sleeping in our house.

Have you booked time at the Hotel McManus??? We love hosting. We love having fun sharing our city with others. We love the eating. We love the cleaning (well ok I love the cleaning) And we love loving on others. So when can I pencil you in?

It's an update!

2011-12-12T23:13:00.006-06:00

It is time for another update. So sit back, grab a yummy snack, and enjoy.....
*I am still riding high from getting good news a month ago. We found another tumor in my leg and had to have it removed and tested, it came back PRE-cancer. It was the first good news we had heard in a long time.

*I am still doing chemo at home 3X a week. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights are still tough for me. My body is fighting HARD, which is good and bad. Good because my body is strong and hopefully that means that all the cancer is getting destroyed! Bad because I experience terrible side effects. I still get high fevers (around 102-103), bad headaches, chills, body aches, and throw up A LOT. I am still only doing a half dose too. My Doctor wants me to get through the Holidays before we discuss upping the dosage.

Getting my chemo port taken out!

*My lymphedema in my leg is manageable right now(sometimes). My whole left legs still swells up with fluid a lot, but exercise and my compression pants help. I hate this new disease, and will address it more next year. We are looking at getting a manual pump system at home that I could use nightly to help with circulation. This could be a HUGE blessing if we can find a way for insurance to pay for it.

*One of the biggest difficulties I am having right now is the fight I have with the medications I take daily. I don't like taking pills. I HATE that I have to take so many of them. And to make matters worse, I'm taking lots of pain pills. I don't like how I feel on them, but it is the only way I can manage pain and honestly it is the ONLY way I can get out of bed most days. With that said, I'm scared of being on pills ALL THE TIME. I have talked to my Doctor about this one too, but he doesn't seem too concerned. 80% of people with my cancer quit the chemo only after a few months, so he wants me to do whatever it takes to stay on this treatment even if it means I become addicted to pain pills. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it doesn't sit well at all. But yay for completing 3 and 1/2 months of chemo at home.

*I still make it to the gym 3X a week. I know that this sounds crazy to so many of you. But when we discussed the fight I have ahead of me with my medical team, I understood that to give myself the best chance I HAD to work at keeping my body strong. And so I do just that. I work as hard as I can to stay physically strong. I do bootcamp Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings and I kick my ass every time. I still struggle with the eating "healthy" thing, especially now during the Holidays. Can I get an amen?

*Mentally I am doing just ok. Having cancer messes with your head. I have Doctor visits where my mental state is the first thing we talk about and honestly it is one of my Doctor's biggest concerns. Cancer patients struggle with depression and I'm beginning to understand why. I have always been a cheerful person, probably annoyingly cheerful. I am just wired to see life that way. So it was hard for me when the Doctor explained that cancer, chemo, and the medications I would be on WOULD attack my mind and outlook on things. This is a hard battle. And it is just that....a battle. I work hard to keep my body as strong as I can and keeping my mind strong is just as much work. I feel weak mentally. And this is hard for me. I need prayer. I need friends who are willing to just sit and laugh with me. And I need lot's of Jesus.

* My stomach looks like a push pin and it is really gross. I know that I am probably being a little dramatic about this one, but I don't care. And I understand and feel for everyone else out there that daily have to give themselves shots, but this seems different. First off just the act of shoving a needle into your stomach is just creepy. But knowingly injecting poison that you KNOW will make you VERY sick it just crazy. I have to mentally talk myself up before each poke. And the skin on my poor stomach is having a hard time with getting stabbed 3X a week.

*My hair is growing FAST now. I still get sores on my scalp (I know gross huh?) But the baldness stage is gone (I hope, I could lose my hair again at some point). This makes me happy, because I have always had long hair and I guess it makes me feel prettier. Everyone has been so nice about my hair, but honestly it can hurt me feelings. I don't like my short hair. It is a symbol of something that is trying to kill me. I know that I should be proud of it of the battle I am fighting. I know that I should wear my new hair with pride. But mentally that is just hard for me. I miss my hair and what I used to look like. I miss my husband playing with it. I JUST miss it. So even though I LOVE hearing that you think I am cute, it stings just a little each time.

*Some new jewlery. I am on the search for a good medical bracelet. One that I can wear all the time. It is just a smart move. If anything ever happened to me doctors would need to know what I have and what medications I am taking. If I am unconscious then a medical bracelet will help. Anyone know of any good ones? I am currently looking at roadID.

*The kids are still doing great! They just don't get it. That is partly because I don't let them see anything bad. And partly because they are just so young. I will tough out most things until they are asleep or gone, then I lose it. I cry, moan, lay on the couch, and complain to Adam once the kids can't see me anymore. I could be doing A LOT better at a lot of my Mom duties, but for now I think we are just holding on. Fostering is still out of the question, which makes me feel sad and weak. I miss my babies. And little Alexis is still having some separation anxiety. She loves her Mommy very much and freaks out whenever I leave.
I think that is it for now. Did I leave something out? Do you have other questions? Then leave a comment and I will answer.....Until next time.....

Scars

2011-12-06T17:07:00.000-06:00

Last week I had my chemo port taken out. For many cancer survivors this is a big day, because it means the end of treatments. For me it was a surgery that needed to be done for practical reasons. One because my doctor was worried about a blood clot forming and two because we have hit our out of pocket limit this year and wanted to get this surgery paid for. Lets hear it for insurance. But it was still a good surgery to be had.

I'm doing well. Sore, sick, and tired but that is more because I am still doing chemo 3X a week not because of the surgery.

I was thinking about all the surgeries and I had this year(all FOUR of them) and more specifically the new scars I have now. I have 4 new ones. They are big, ugly, and I don't like them. But each one tells a story. A story that I need to be PROUD of.
My physical scars tell a story of God's blessing, hope, healing, love, and the battle Jesus has already won for me. Although they are ugly to the eye they are most precious to me. My physical scars tell the world about my story....no, His story in me. And because of that I will WEAR my new scars with pride. I will not be ashamed of those pink zigzag lines.

Friends, I challenge you to do the same. Be proud of your scars. The physical, but more importantly the emotional ones. I have those too. I have had my heart broken by others, been betrayed, lost a baby, watch another baby fight to live, given back my foster babies to another, and now a cancer fight to live as long as God will let me. I have scars from all of those stories, ones that are painful and deep. But there is healing in the hurt. And I want that to be what people see when they see my scars. I want them to see the healing from a Savior who loves us no matter how deep the wounds are.

And to be honest no one will see those scars if I don't show them. I could hide all of my physical scars if I wanted to, and no one would ever see them. But I refuse to do that. I want them to shine. I want to do the same thing with my other scars, I want to share those with others too. I understand wanting to hide that hurt, but others out there are hurting with something similar battles. And trust me when I say that sometimes just hearing that someone else has a similar scar makes a world of difference.
I want everyone to see the "real" me. The one that has been broken and hurt. The one who has lost so much and yet gained even more. The one that is struggling even right now with fighting cancer. The "real Jen". And I pray that ever scar, battle wound, on the inside or outside points others to Jesus.

I invite you to do the same.......

Visiting with my Bro

2011-12-05T16:35:00.002-06:00

My brother came to town this weekend and I haven't seen him in a year. Cancer has kind of made me a big sappy baby when it comes to all things family. So I made sure to spend every second loving on my brother this weekend. Unfortunately I am paying for that today. I am sick, tired, and sore. But it was worth it. I love him and love the time I got.

Are you seeing family this December?
I'm working on a blog to update everyone on my treatment and look forward to seeing the story God is telling in my life on video soon.......

Being a kid

2011-11-25T22:58:00.006-06:00

This week we took the day off from life and spent it at Sea World. It was a wonderful day with perfect weather, great friends, Christmas shows, rollercoasters, and lots of laughing.

It got me thinking. Most days I have a moment or two or three or you get my point when I feel like I could seriously lose my mind. My kids drive me absolutely crazy a lot of the times. Being a Mom is HARD! And doing it 24 hours a day while battling cancer is REALLY HARD.

And I confess that there are days that I forget how truly blessed and lucky I am. Sea World could have been another one of those stressful days. Crowds, no naps, horrible unhealthy food, annoying music and shows, noise, and a chemo hangover on top of everything it was a recipe for disaster and it could have left me crying in the corner asking for my Mom. BUT it wasn't. It was a delightful day. A day where I was not an overwhelmed Mom, but a kid too. Adam and I just PLAYED all day long. We rode rides, sang along to an Elmo Christmas show, played, watched the magic of the animal's performances, and giggled.

I needed a reminder to live life the way my kids do. They laugh at everything, get excited about anything, and love everyone. I want to live life that way. And it was a good reminder for me. Now excuse me I have to go and a rip very loud whistles out of my boys hands and THROW THEM AWAY! :D

Here are some pics to enjoy.....

This boy has been waiting for what seems like forever to him to be tall enough to ride this rollercoaster and HE MADE IT this trip. He rode it 3 times, he is such a stud.

Alexis' first carousel ride, she loved it especially the PINK horse part.

Bryce found his brave heart and went on the watercoaster with Daddy and Connor, no pics because they did get VERY wet. Good job Bryce.

Seeing Shamu the for the first time (last time she was just a baby)

We spent over an hour in this thing, we had a blast.

We ended the day/evening getting pictures with the Christmas characters, then hit Cracker Barrel for a late dinner.

When was the last time you acted like a kid?

Being Thankful OR Being a FREAK

2011-11-23T21:43:00.006-06:00

Being diagnosed with cancer has changed A LOT of things for me. But one thing that sticks out even more than the being sick all the time, fighting to live, surgery after surgery, being high on pain pills, and losing my hair IS that I do everything in my power to make it so no one knows I have cancer especially my husband and children.

It is silly I know, but when you get cancer we can talk. I just don't want my kids sitting around someday thinking "oh yeah, remember when Mom had cancer. We didn't get to do anything." and "She just laid around for a year or so." Now my prayer is that if they ever say anything like that I will be around so I can smack them in the head, but you see what crazy thoughts are in my head. I want 2011 to be a year NOT all about Mom's cancer.

So here we are....Thanksgiving. But instead of a post about how thankful I am to be ALIVE (I really should do one of those) I am going to share with you all the cool crafts I have been making my kids do in an effort to trick them into thinking that Mom is A-OK!

This is the first year that I've talked to the kids about the 1st Thanksgiving. We even went to the library and got some books. Here are our pilgrim and indians(I mean Native Americans). Oh my word, I love that 2 of my kids colored their figures with blue and purple faces. Kids just don't see the world they way we do.

Turkey cookies: everything on Pinterest really does look easier than it is is real life.

Place cards for our family Thanksgiving dinner. These were actually pretty fun to make and Connor was uber excited to write everyone's names this year.

Ah yes, the McManus Family Thanksgiving Tree, isn't it hideous? But my kids love that ugly thing. Every year I sit down for an hour and cut out little paper hands (I hate doing this every year). Then every night at dinner the week before Thanksgiving the kids write about one thing they are thankful for. I keep a couple each year and we hang those up too. It really has become a great family tradition even if the thing is one huge eye sore.

At the end of the day, I might just be a freak. And I know in my heart that my kids don't "really" care about all these little crafts. But the truth is that cancer really has made me stop and think twice about what is important. And this year one thing that's important to me is making memories with my kids. Memories just mean more to me now. And if it means I have to turn myself into a freak Martha Stewart then I will do just that.

But seriously, take one moment this year to sit down and thank God for everything this year. For me it has been a really hard one, but a really really great one too. God has given me so much and I am positive that no matter what you are going through right now, He has given you so much too. Have a blessed day everyone!!!!

Halloween Pics

2011-11-07T18:32:00.004-06:00

Cause everyone loves cute kids in cute costumes, right?

Our neighborhood is a kids dream come true when it comes to trick-or-treating. We just go down one street and then back on the other side and the kids get the MOTHER LOAD. It is very exciting to the kids to get this much candy, but I am horrified and HATE it. So we bag it(4 zip lock gallon bags full) and I PAY the kids money to make the candy go away. Mean or totally awesome you decide?

FEAR

2011-11-02T21:28:00.007-05:00

Fear is a powerful thing. It has the power to control you, distract you, steal your thoughts, take away your joy, and warp your picture of Christ. Anxiety is the same. Oh and worry, let's not forget worry. It is yet another emotion that Satan uses to destroy us. It's a slow attack, but steady and unwavering. Like digging a hole in the yard with a spoon, it's slow, VERY SLOW, but eventually the job will get done.

I am a control freak. I like knowing what is coming. I'm a planner and a list maker. I like things my way, because let's be honest "my way is just better." I like to think I'm the "fun" girl, but many times I find myself missing fun because I'm off planning or rethinking my plan. I miss sweet moments with my kids because I don't have "time." I stress over the cleanliness of my house even when no one is coming over to see it. I worry about money and feel anxious when I spend it. I lie in bed at night and go over things in my head, over and over and OVER again. Any other controllers feel me?

But, now I have cancer, and it changes A LOT of things. I have a disease now that is trying to kill me. It is slowly trying to destroy everything I love. And one day it just might do that. (I pray that it is a long way away). But, the truth is that I'm going to have to fight for life, and that is not going to change anytime soon. Melanoma (stage 3 and beyond) is not medically curable. You are considered in remission or NED (no evidence of disease) when the cancer is removed and they can't find anymore and you are done with treatments. You are cured of melanoma when you die from something else. (Totally morbid, right?) At least, that is what the smart cancer people say.

I'm not a person who likes stats and numbers but could you ignore these?

Stage IIIC Melanoma: I have a 27% chance to live 5 years after my diagnosis and an 18% chance to live 10 years. (American Cancer Society) My doctors and the treatments I am currently on are working VERY hard to make those numbers better.

Would those numbers make you worry? Would they give you anxiety? Honestly, what would you do if you heard stats like that about YOU? Would you be AFRAID?

Trust me, I have felt every emotion you can feel after hearing that cancer is trying to kill you. But the truth is this: I have Jesus.

And Jesus said this:

Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

I'm not going to let FEAR or WORRY or ANXIETY rob me of any more minutes. Our time on this earth is just like a breath. It is short whether I die tomorrow or in 70 years. Life is nothing but a vapor. I will NOT live this life tortured with fear, doubt, worry, and anger. I will not let Satan take the life I have left on this earth and plague it with this disease. Because the truth is, while I fight to live, fear, anxiety, and worry are the real killers that if I let win will take away everything I treasure.

On Tuesday, I go in for another surgery (just an outpatient). This might be a shock to some of you, but it happened quickly. I found another spot/lump on my hip and had it looked at. It had been removed before, but it has come back so the surgeon wants to "dig it out" and have it tested. We will know more about the results late next week. If it is cancer, we have some big decisions to make. If it is not cancer then I have another surgery on Nov 30th to get my port removed. (That's good news! I am very excited about that surgery)

This is going to be a new way of life for me. I will have a battle with cancer forever, but I will also spend the rest of my life in a fight with fear. Fear will be there forever, knocking on the door, whispering into my heart, and trying to get into my mind. Pray with me friends. Pray that fear does not win today.

This is what my prayer will be this week and next. Because of the Gospel I don't have to be afraid. Because of Jesus I have HOPE in my heart not FEAR!

Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”

I know that some of you battle with fear, anxiety, and worry. Friends don't let Satan win this fight over your thoughts, dreams, and feelings. The truth is we have nothing to be anxious about, but instead we have the peace of Jesus Christ.

Pumpkin Fail

2011-10-30T21:51:00.009-05:00

I grew up in Oregon, which meant every Halloween you had to not only come up with a costume for trick or treating, but it had to look good with either a raincoat or a winter coat. And the pumpkins you carved could last outside until Thanksgiving it you let them.

In Texas it's still 90 degrees. So instead or warmth you are trying to stay cool with your costume choices. And when you carved pumpkins, they won't last longer than 4 days outside. We carved pumpkins last weekend and lets just say the pumpkins did not last until Halloween.

Luckily I took some photos of our awesome pumpkins before they turn into a pile of moldy mush.

Bryce's bat, which he cut out by himself.

Connor's scary ghost

A kitty cat pumpkin

Our oldest son; Daniel

We decided to try again, but this time we painted the pumpkins instead.
It was a pumpkin fail, but in the end the kids look pretty happy.

I miss my foster babies....

2011-10-26T22:24:00.008-05:00

I have been doing chemo since August and it's still not going great. Not that chemo should go great, but I thought by now my body would start doing better. It's not. I'm still having some pretty nasty side affects. So last night I decided to cheer myself up and sat here and looked through pics of my kids. (Please tell me you do this too)

I came across pics from last Halloween, and it made me tear up. There was my sweet little J-man smiling back at me. I miss that sweet baby boy. (For those who are new to our story, J-man was our foster son for 7 months) We haven't had any foster babies in our house since the end of July and that makes me very sad. J-man was the sweetest baby with a smile that could brighten everyone's day. Which got me thinking. This is one reason why I fight the way that I do.

You see we aren't fostering while I'm doing treatments, it is just not a good idea. But we will foster again (and maybe eventually adopt) and it gives me something to fight for when this cancer journey gets hard.

And his smile cheered me up.

Maybe you need something to bring a smile to your face today, and J-man can do that. I'm sorry that we can't show his face, but it is the rule.

These two were so adorable. We called them "our twins" and they LOVED each other so much.
Bryce and J-man

Teaching J-man how to walk.

My Dad was J-man's favorite person in the whole world. They were such buddies.

Did it work? Are you smiling now?

Bye Bye Binky

2011-10-25T12:27:00.010-05:00

The second year is a big year in the McManus house. It's the year my babies become NOT BABIES! And it is breaking me up. Because I am NOT ready for my baby girl to NOT be a baby anymore.

At the same time, I'm very excited for my little girl and how big she is getting. This week was another big step toward "little girl-hood" for her. She is now sleeping in a big girl bed. She is going on the potty. And now this week, she gave up her BINKY.

This is a big deal in our house. My babies LOVE binkys. I have no idea why, but they all have. When McManus babies turn 1 they can only have their binkys when it is nighttime. And then at 2 and 1/2 it is time to say bye bye binky.

Connor
Bryce
Alexis

We teach our babies that they need to "give" their binkys away to another baby. That now they are big boys or girls and that another little baby needs their binkys. We have our kiddos decorate a box or a bag, put their binkys in it, and put it in the mailbox. Later the bag or box is gone and we explain that it has been sent to a baby.

My kids have done great with this. They are proud of giving their binkys away and excited that they did it all by themselves. I love it, because I am not the bad guy who took their precious binky away. And we don't really have a hard time with them after they give the binkys away, because they are the ones who did it. They know that the binky is gone and so we don't really have big problems.

Alexis was such a trooper and was very proud of becoming a big girl. She slept perfect last night. (naptime she had a little bit of a hard time, but I expected that) And tonight she went to bed again with no problems. I'm very proud, but a little sad that my baby girl is growing up.

Very excited about the bag she decorated.

Putting the binky in the mailbox. Bryce was a good big brother and helped her every step of the way.

Weekend in Pictures

2011-10-23T22:35:00.012-05:00

I get sick of having cancer. Sick of being so sick all the time. Sick of doctor appointments. Sick of shots and pills. Sick of being on the couch. Sick of fighting.

When the weekend hit. I wanted one thing; to NOT be any of those things anymore. I needed to be just Jen, Mom, Friend, and Wife. So that is what I did this weekend......

We spent Saturday morning at our gym's Spooktacular carnival. The kids were SOOOO excited about wearing their costumes.
And who doesn't love coloring? (especially a kitty mask)
Hayride!
And the coolest balloon artist I have ever seen.
Cool, right?
She loved that little monkey.

Later that night I went to a Halloween party with my bootcamp girls.

I was a gypsy.
And we had a blast!

Sunday was a great day too. We went and visited our friend, Chris Marlow who spoke at Austin New Church. He works for HELP and we love the work they are doing around the world. I got to write some curriculum last year for them and I am so excited to hear that more and more churches around the country are doing garage sales for orphans. Have you ever thought about doing one?

We ended the weekend going to Target, just me and my husband. It was a rare moment and we had a blast! Just walking around shopping, talking, laughing, and having alone time.

Overall it was a great weekend, but I am spent. Exhausted and very sick. It was worth it. And I'm so glad that God gave me another weekend with my family. How was your weekend?

Q and A

2011-10-18T22:31:00.006-05:00

What are you doing to stay strong?

I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can at this point. But this is difficult because I'm so sick. Unfortunately I find myself having to eat lot's of bread because it's the best thing for my stomach. We have started juicing and I try my best to have 2 juice concoctions a day. I'm trying to not get too consumed with dieting right now, which is hard for me. One of the side effects of the chemo I am on is weight GAIN. Horrifying right?? So I am trying to not freak out, stay strong, and eat well.

I'm also going to the gym 3 times a week. (I'm used to going 5 plus times a week) I'm doing bootcamp with an awesome group of ladies. My trainer Mike lost his Mom to cancer last year and he is helping me A LOT. I'm not as strong or fast as I used to be, but it feels good going to the gym. At the gym I don't think about cancer or chemo. I just try to do my best work. And I feel like it is so good for me right now to stay as strong as I can.

I also LOVE that my kids get a place to just play, hang out with other kids, RUN, and overall have a blast. We go to an awesome gym with an exceptional kids club. They play outside on the playground, do games on the basketball courts, have computer time, do crafts, and fee play. They love it and I love the time I get for myself. I also get a SHOWER by myself. I get to take my time and wash every part of my body and SHAVE!!! No interruptions and I love that!

*picture by Daniel Davis

How are your checkups going?

I'm still only taking half dosage of chemo right now. My doctor is watching my labs closely and I talk to him weekly about the side effects I am experiencing. We're in a good routine right now. I take chemo shots Mondays, Wednesday, and Fridays. My body is still struggling, but it is getting better. I still get high fevers, nausea, body aches, and bad headaches. But one of the worst things, is the medications I am taking to help with the side effects. I don't like the way I feel on them and I get other side effects to deal with from the pills. At the end of the day I feel like a pill taking machine and I hate that.

When I mention you in prayer...what do you need the most in the way of support?

I need everyone to continue to pray that my body stays strong. I need this chemo and I need to take it for a long time. In the next week or so we will try to get the dosage back up and I want my body to handle it well.

I need my mind to stay strong too. This chemo has a high depression side effect and I don't need that battle too. So far so good, but I could use prayer.

My kids are doing great and you can continue to pray that they don't feel stressed by this.

I love to laugh, so finding ways to help me smile is always the best way to help.

I do have a question, have you ever heard of s flax oil cottage cheese diet? It's more known as the Budwig diet, it may be something to try?

There are too many diets out there for me to keep track of. I could go crazy trying them all. At the end of the day, we all know the right things to eat. Lot's of fruit and veggies, protein, and whole grains. I talk to my doctor a lot, and he is great. We feel like the treatment plan I am on right now will give me the best shot at beating this.

Thanks for the questions.....We'll do it again next week!

Questions......

2011-10-17T00:20:00.001-05:00

I need YOUR help!!!!!!

It's hard to know what to write about on here sometimes. I'm trying to be honest about my cancer journey. But I don't want to write about stuff no body cares about. Writing has helped me get a lot of my feelings, concerns, joys, and fears out there. And that does help me out a lot. But that is NOT why I am writing. I feel like God has a beautiful story to tell and I want to be apart of that. At the end of the day I want my cancer journey to draw people closer to Him.

And so I need your help. Send me some questions. They can be anonymous or you can leave your name. But I need questions.(Please just leave a comment on this post) And I promise to do my best to answer them.

What do you want to know?

Do you want to know more about the treatments I am on? The side effects?

How my husband and my kids are handling this?

What brings me joy?

What makes me scared?

Am I afraid of death?

Do I miss my hair?

Anything. I'd love to answer questions and share them with all my readers every week. Can you help me?

I can handle any question.....I dare you to bring it!

Sometimes being on chemo makes me a better Mom...

2011-10-15T22:38:00.006-05:00

There are days when I feel like I don't have cancer. That I'm not sick at all. There are days when life just feels normal. My biggest worries on those days is how clean my house is, whether I put the laundry in the dryer, or if my kids have eaten their veggies.

But then there are the other days..... (and unfortunately there are lot's of these days)

Days when cancer is kicking my butt. They are the days when chemo has made me so sick, I don't want to get out of bed. I don't care if the laundry has not been done. And my kids could eat bread all day if they wanted to. Those days are hard. It's hard to smile, to clean, to be a Mom. And yet.....My kids think I am an AWESOME Mom on those days.

I'm tired and very sick. So there is LOTS of free play on those days. And my kids love it! I forget to get on them about chores or school or even brushing their teeth. We just play. (Well, the kids play, and I lay there and watch them) On one of those days, I decided to get my camera (which I still don't really know how to use) out and have a fashion show. I laid on the couch and took pictures of the kids trying on different costumes from the dress-up closet. There were lots of laughs, some interesting costume choices, and I didn't feel as sick once we were done.

But in all seriousness, cancer/chemo has made me slow down. I'm stuck on the couch a lot, which means a lot more cuddle time with my kids. Just last night I laid on the couch with Connor playing a puzzle game on my phone for a long time. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I forget to just drop everything and love on my kids sometimes.

Cancer has made me do that. And that is why sometimes being on chemo makes me a better Mom.

Marriage is broken

2011-10-13T23:20:00.004-05:00

Adam and I have been teaching a newly/nearly wed class for 4 semesters now. We love it. It's one of my favorite nights of the week. And this week we got to talk about needs, roles, and responsibilities in marriage.

It is a rough night for a lot of women. And the reason is simply because we don't like the word "submissive". That's it for a lot of us. We don't like that word. It makes the hair on the back on our neck stand up. It makes us feel weak and inferior.

But for a moment I'd like you to open your heart and mind to what I'm going to say. What if it's not the role of helper that we don't like? But instead it's our own sin. Sin that is blinding us to the beauty that is "equal yet different" roles in marriage.

Take a look at this video.

You see we (every one of us) broke marriage. It was perfect. And we broke it with sin, with pride, with our messed up hearts. And because we broke it, marriage is just that.....kind of broken. It doesn't work well. And it doesn't work well because we are broken.

And yet???!!!!

With the hope of the gospel, we can live a good, perfect marriage. With the gospel, the word "submissive" is not scary. It's beautiful. It's the same relationship Jesus had with the Father. With the gospel, being helper to our husbands is exactly where we are supposed to be. With the gospel, we can be strong, beautiful women who love and respect our husbands. With the gospel we can give our husbands a chance to lead us and enjoy it.

With the gospel, Satan does NOT destroy marriage. He tried a long time ago. And in that moment it really did look like marriage was broken. But God rescued us, He saved us, and one day Satan will lose.

Vacation

2011-10-10T23:47:00.015-05:00

I have a love-hate relationship with vacations. I love to get away, do something new, see new places, have adventures, and experience new things with my family. But traveling with 3 small kids is just so hard sometimes. My kids are AWESOME travelers. But when we get home? Ugh it is rough. So this week we've been playing vacation catch-up. (And I've been having a rough couple of days on chemo.)

But this time last week we were living the vacation high-life. Adam had been working like a crazy person on a new Gowalla. And I had chemo and had to be a single Mom while Adam worked so hard. We needed a little break. So we headed to the beach. Don't you just love the beach?

Me too. We headed to Galveston and enjoyed 3 days ON A BOAT. Yup you heard me right. On a boat. Adam's parents live on their boat and we got to join them.

Adam's parents live at a fantastic marina!

With fantastic pools. We spent every evening here swimming and hot-tubbing. LOVED!
This made me tear up a bit. My oldest driving the motorboat all by himself. He is growing up so fast.
Hitting the beach.

Eating out, right on the beach.
He's a happy camper, shrimp stuffed with cheese and wrapped in bacon.
This little girl, wouldn't let me leave her sight. It wasn't annoying one bit. (Literally could not go take a shower without her. I think she was paranoid that I was going to leave her) I just love her.

It was a wonderful couple of days and a perfect break. If you could take a vacation right now, where would you go?

Meeting Baby Zuri

2011-09-30T17:16:00.011-05:00

There is just something about the orphan crisis that gets me worked up. I just feel such a desperation to do something! And I love stories about people who are doing just that....something. And that is exactly what this post is about. This post is about an orphan who has a family now. It's about a love that could not be separated by half the world. And it's a post about sweet smiles from precious baby Zuri.

Monday night (past our bedtime) we went and welcomed home Zuri Birk. I mentioned her Mommy in a previous post. It was a wonderful night even though I had to push back my chemo and was up all night long. My sleepless night was worth it, because SHE IS HOME and SAFE and LOVED!

Enjoy some pics from that night courtesy of Daniel Davis.

Pinterest makes me want to be a better woman...

2011-09-28T16:44:00.005-05:00

I'm not a crafty person. But secrectly I wish I was. I want to be the person that comes up with cute crafts for my house. Decorations for each season. Little homemade gifts for parents and friends. Adorable little activities to do with my kids. How awesome would that be?

I can't decorate my way out of a box. No, seriously, I really can't. I don't have an eye for decorating, but I want to. I even watch hours and hours of HGTV and DIY to help me. I want beautiful, cozy, clean and modern, yet colorful rooms. Rooms that make people ooh and aah. I just don't want plain, boring, white walls, is that too much to ask?

I do not cook. Oh I make food, but I don't cook. I can read a recipe, but I don't have the gift of cooking. I want to be a good cook. The kind that loves to do it. I would love to make things from scratch and play with different ingredients. I would love to create beautiful meals that I could share with others. Just once I'd love to feel like a real cook with a meal I'd actually want to prepare for others.

I'm not fashionable. Nope not one bit. I wear a t shirt and shorts EVERY DAY. Even if I had all the money in the world, I would have NO IDEA what to buy or what would look good on me. I don't get fashion and am afraid that I'm passing this on to my children. I have no idea what it feels like to have someone compliment my clothes or ask me where I bought something. Maybe just once it would be nice?

I'm not crafty, or a decorator, or a cook, or fashionable and yet.....I'm obsessed with pinterest. If you haven't been on this site, stop reading and GO there NOW!

It is a fun site full of crafts, decorating ideas, recipes, and fashion. Just a place for the creative people in the world to share their ideas with us duds. And I love it. I haven't done anything with my new obsession, but it does make me WANT to do something.

With all that said. I did do one crafty, decorating, organizing thing last year and I wanted to share it with you. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my clever book case.

These book shelves are made out of metal gutters and attached to the walls. I'm in love with them because my kids can see all the book covers and it is easy to put away.
Are you a crafter, decorator, cook, or fashionista? If so, want to come over?

My hero

2011-09-17T19:37:00.007-05:00

This week was all about "rest". I was off chemo (doctors orders) and so I just rested all week. I cleaned like a freak (that's how I rest), played with the kiddos, went to the gym, and watched movies with my husband. Life felt normal, kind of....I still get really tired easily. BUT THIS POST IS NOT ABOUT CANCER!!!(I'm a little excited about that)

I've been overwhelmed lately (in a good way) by all the support I have received since being diagnosed. Long lost friends, acquaintances, Adam's co-workers, new friends from church, and even complete strangers have just LOVED on me. I am so blessed by this, but I'm still learning "how to do it". I get lots of emails, comments, and even texts about how strong I am and inspirational. I don't know how to respond to them.

Truth is I'm not strong. I'm not inspirational. I'm just n-o-t.

I am a normal, scared, weak, little girl who just loves Jesus. And without sounding too hokey that is why I'm able to do what I do. I'm strong because Jesus is strong. I'm not scared of the future because I have hope of life everlasting in Him. And I'm not mad that I have cancer, because I know that Jesus is perfect and so are His plans for my life.

BUT this post is NOT about me. It's about one of my HEROES.

A lady who is STRONG.

A lady who is INSPIRATIONAL.

A lady who also LOVES JESUS a lot.

Meet Sherry:

She's the hot one on the right side. That tall guy in the middle is Andy another great co-worker friend.

Sherry works at Gowalla with Adam. We like to joke about one of the first times we met. I just sat myself down right next to her and asked, "So, what's your story?". (Ha typical Jen) We spent the rest of the night talking life, guys, kids, adoption, and who knows what else. We were instant friends. She even talked me into doing a running group with some other Gowalla employees. (Ha that is NOT a typical Jen. I ADORE working out, but HATE running)

So why is Sherry my hero?

Well....first you need to...

Meet Zuri:
A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E! Am I right? Little Zuri lives in Ethiopia (for the moment). She's Sherry's daughter, and tomorrow morning Sherry leaves Austin to go to Ethiopia and pick up her daughter. In a little over a week, Mom and daughter will come HOME!

Sherry is my hero, because she heard God whisper, "Take care of the orphans", "Love the unloved", "Adopt a daughter from Africa, Sherry". And Sherry said, "YES, I will!"

Even when it didn't make "sense", Sherry said "yes". You see Sherry is single. Normal single ladies don't adopt babies from Africa. Sherry is the only income in her home. Normal people look at the cost of adoption and say "Nope, not for me. That is too expensive". Sherry is willing to open her heart, home, and life to a little baby she had never met. Normal single people just don't do that!

I hope that you are beginning to see that Sherry is NOT normal. Because of the love of Jesus, Sherry is obeying God's question; "Who will go?" "Who will love these babies?" "Who will love like I first loved?" She is amazing. And the story that God is telling through her life and her daughter is AAAAH-mazing!

Please join me friends. Pray for my amazing friend Sherry and her baby girl Zuri. I know that she is nervous. I know that she is scared. And I know that Satan is trying his best to knock my sweet friend down. But Sherry knows that the battle is already won, that because of Jesus we are adopted into the family of God. And because of that LOVE, Sherry can love a little baby the same way I love my kiddos. Sherry knows that adoption is the perfect picture of loving someone unconditionally. Sherry knows that her Heavenly Father fought for her life the same way Sherry has been fighting for Baby Zuri. And that soon she will hold that little baby in her arms FOREVER! Pray for my hero!

Pray for baby Zuri. Pray for health and an easy trip back to Austin. Pray for her heart to begin healing. Pray for the bond of mother and daughter to form. Pray for the details. Pray for sweet moments and for patience and peace for the not so sweet ones. Pray for the paperwork and passports. Pray for sweet laughs, lots of cuddling, and nights of sleep (for Mom and baby). Pray...Pray...Pray.
Tomorrow my hero travels to get her baby girl. And tomorrow a new chapter in the beautiful story God is writing about these two begins. I can't wait to "read" the next part, and I can't wait to get my arms around these two beautiful girls. I love you, Sherry! (and baby Zuri!)

I will be getting off a plane with my little girl. And she will be mine. Forever. Despite being scared, my heart is able to see the life of true joy this little girl is going to bring me. Yes, I won’t get to go dancing with my friends as much :) and I probably won’t get as much sleep. Sacrifices will be made. People are going to look at me funny. Dating will likely be interesting. There are going to be hard days, especially doing this on my own. But giving her a family, watching her grow, living life together and seeing who she turns into…this is what matters. I can’t wait. -words from Sherry's blog

A hard night with my first new treatment...

2011-09-12T23:14:00.004-05:00

Today we started a new treatment round of chemo. I was excited about this. 1) Because I didn't have to go to chemo land everyday. 2) The dosage is 50% less than my iv fusions were last month.

But I was also pretty nervous and anxious. This time I knew how it felt to be on chemo and I don't like it all. I'm also scared about how long I will be on this drug. The goal is 11 MONTHS, and that is frightening.

God was faithful and kept me strong for those long 4 weeks both mentally and spiritually, but it was only 4 weeks long. So the question I kept hearing Satan whispering was "Could you keep leaning on him for 11 months or would you throw in the towel and quit?" I DON'T QUIT. But I'd be a liar if I said that I wasn't scared.

I had a wonderful morning. Got to the gym and although I am still tired and not 100%, I had a blast kicking butt at bootcamp. I took the kids grocery shopping and fed them lunch. I was on my game. Now I just had to go to chemo-land and learn how to give myself the shots.

Nurse walked me through everything and then gave me a test. I had to do the whole prep and then give myself the shot, while explaining what I was doing and why. I passed. Yippeee and was sent on my way. Every nurse there gave me encouraging words like; "You'll do great." Don't worry it might not be as worse". "You're tough".

I came home and slept, I wanted to give my body rest just in case. And just in case was EXACTLY what happened.

I woke up from my nap with chills (I know that this means a fever eventually), a headache, and aches. Not how I wanted the afternoon/evening to start. I took 2 Vicodin and found my spot on the couch.

6:30pm My chills got worst. I threw on 4 blankets instead of the 1 I had on already and got in the fetal position. My body chills were so bad that my whole body was convulsing. I was panicking a bit too. None of the other chemo nights had been like this. Mentally Satan was taking me down too. I could hear things like; "You can't do this." Too much pain" "Where is your strong God now". I silently prayed with tears streaming down my face, God is stronger! I need him now, cause I can't do this.

My sweet Adam saw that I was having trouble, but he had to get the kids outta of the house. Not only did they need to play outside, but I was getting more upset since they were watching me with big eyes of tears as I battled and battled. I was crying, shaking, having trouble breathing, and to my kids this must have looked frightening. This only stressed me out more, so my breathing started getting even worst. I didn't want my babies effected badly by this cancer, and I didn't want them to see their strong Mom be so weak.

I reminded Connor who was most affected seeing me like this, that God was strong and was going to help me feel better. But deep down I was having doubts. This was horrible.

8:30pm: Chills are worst, headache pounding, and a lot of trouble trying to breathe. I take 2 more Vicodin and call my Mom so she can tell all our friends and family in Oregon to start praying. The shaking is so bad that my teeth are chattering and body is starting to cramp up. I'm breathing really quickly and feeling a little out of control. I'm upset because I don't want to take anymore drugs, especially the ones that don't make me feel right in the head. I'm emotional. (and if you know me I don't get emotional) I'm scared and ready to quit already and keeping thinking THIS IS DAY 1. You have 100's more of these days ahead of you. Can you do this???

I start trying to get myself to settle down, if not then I was going to pass out. I start breathing slowly even though every breath hurts as my body shakes and convulses more and more. Still not a very high fever, and I AM FREEZING. I start saying out-loud; "You can do this, Jen." You are strong." Suddenly I have a moment of clarity which was difficult, because as I feel my body fighting so hard, my mind was weak very weak. "No, Jen you can't do this" I hear as a whisper, but this time a sweet whisper "Jen my beautiful daughter, I can do this." I begin to pray, "God, you can do this. Jesus my sweet sweet savior you can comfort me now." Friends start texting me with scripture and prayers and slowly I am feeling better mentally.

9:05pm My fever is climbing dangerously high. 104 then 104.5. We had to call the doctor then. He told us to take some more medications(funny how doctors can tell you to take more then the bottle says you can) and check the fever every 30 minutes. If it doesn't drop I have to go to the hospital. I also have to take the anti-anxiety pill that I didn't want to. We needed my muscles to relax, my breathing needed to slowdown, and I needed to calm down.

But I couldn't calm down, my head was killing me. I couldn't think straight. I was convulsing, and now burning up. I was panicking at the mere thought of going to the hospital. And embarrassed that my husband was having to talk to me like a child. I cried and begged him not to take me to the hospital, because I was afraid that they were going to commit me to the pysch ward. Seriously, in my head this is what I thought was going on.

9:30pm Fever back down to 104. I'm burning up and sweating, but I have to stay warm and let this fever break. My headache is more like a thumping. And my muscles are beginning to relax as the fever's heat fills me inside out. I'm beginning to finally calm down. Unfortunately I get sick, probably from all the shakes and convulsions. But I know that I'll probably not have to go to the hospital now and that comforts me. I plead sappy/weepy "I'm sorry"s to my husband (He was awesome) And my mind slowly starts coming back to me. I felt like I just got beat up inside and out.

I'm not going to lie. That was hard and I'm scared about what tomorrow and the next day holds for me and this treatment. I wanted to quit tonight. I was mad at my body for being so weak. Frustrated with myself. Worried for my kids and what they saw tonight. BUT...... God was there the whole time. He never once let me go. He was my strength tonight when I had none. He was faithful.

And even though I'm anxious at what tomorrow holds, He'll be faithful then again.

Hair be gone

2011-09-06T22:14:00.023-05:00

I'm so sorry that I haven't been around for awhile, but chemo was kicking my butt. And not just kicking my butt, but taking my mind. The medications I was on were/are really harsh and messed with my head. Let's just say that I don't remember weeks. And it was a very good idea that I did NOT blog in that state: TRUST ME.

But in true Jen-like fashion even though I was very sick and very brain-dead I had a party to throw......a head shaving party!

Cancer is a mean SOB and I hate it. It robs you of a lot of things in life you love. For many it takes their life on this earth. When fighting cancer you lose your strength, your energy, your daily routine, your appetite, your food (literally), your health, your mind, your sleep, your...geez it feels like cancer takes everything some days.

It even takes your hair. And for us ladies that's bigger then I can write about right now. Let's just say that for most of my life I have BATTLED my hair and yet moments here and there before my head shaving party I found myself crying over losing it.

BUT I wasn't going to let cancer take this from me. Not this time! I was going to hold my head high and chop my hair off MYSELF. I wasn't going to let chunk after chunk fall out. I wasn't going to cover my sick hair with a scarf. NOPE! I wasn't letting cancer win this one. Cancer picked a fight with the WRONG GIRL. Cancer might wins some of the little fights, but not this one......

Our roommate Daniel Davis took photos for me. He is such a blessing to my family.

And Morgan my friend and AWESOME hair stylist did the cutting.
Since I have never had my hair "short" we decided to try some styles out while we "went up".

The men in my life (all of them) decided to surprise me. They had been talking it over and chose to shave their heads too. No worries it made me cry too. So my hubby, my 6 year old Connor, and 4 year old Bryce got hair cuts. Later that night Connor whispered to me that I still looked beautiful. Wow these boys are breaking my heart. I do hope that they remember this experience, because I know I will.

Now we McManus folk aren't your typical family and we HAD to take some fun pictures before we all shaved-shaved our heads. So awesome Morgan gave us all Mohawks. (And NO Alexis did not cut her hair and YES she did not have a choice. Sorry!)

It took a lot of work to get a picture of me NOT smiling. I had such a fun time that night with family and friends. I even chose to NOT take my usual medications so I wouldn't look high in the pictures and had a chance to actually remember that night. It is a miracle that the pain I was in that night didn't bother me one bit. God is so good.
Fuzz heads!

Daniel did a beautiful job telling a story of that night in pictures and I would love you to see those too. HERE!

Done with infusions

2011-09-01T12:57:00.005-05:00

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged lately. But I have been EXHAUSTED! And the drugs that I have been taking have made me absolutely LOOPY. So loopy that there are a couple days last week that I don't even remember. Apparently I even fell and I don't remember!

The last week of infusion chemo was HARD on my body. My white blood cells went too low and I couldn't even do chemo a couple of days. I was sick, very sick. And like I said before the drugs they had me on made me pretty crazy.

BUT I am done with infusion chemo and have a couple weeks off. My white blood cells are still too low to continue chemo. Once they get back up we will begin doing chemo at home: Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.

My favorite nurse; Cheryl (can you tell that I'm high)

Bad blood, numbness, and CT scans

2011-08-23T13:46:00.003-05:00

Today was not a typical day in chemo land. First off my blood came back with bad news. My white blood cells have plummeted. My Doctor take that very seriously and to be honest I really have no clue why. I don't do a good job of paying attention, but I do know that I have been having a very rough week and this could be why. I'm also experiencing numbness and I keep having these epic headaches, which all means an emergency CT scan.

I don't know results yet(results came back clear), but I want to talk about what I feeling while I was laying in that machine. I have been reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman. She is married to singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman and they lost their little baby girl in a tragic car accident, their oldest son was the driver. They pretty much experienced the worst thing I could ever imagine and this book is about their struggle dealing with this tragedy.

So as I lay there with my head stuck inside that huge machine, I couldn't help but think about what I would do if I got bad news again. The Chapman family experienced the worst "bad news" I could think of and they have taken that tragedy and given God glory. They found hope in a situation that seemed hopeless. So I laid there thinking...Would I cling to Jesus again? Or would this be the time that I can't take more bad news?

Yes if the news was bad....Yes if this doesn't kill all the cancer in my body...And yes even if it's tragedy beyond what I think I can handle...

I will have my Jesus.

Here is a song Steven Curtis Chapman wrote after losing his little girl.

Dear 20-year old Jen

2011-08-18T12:40:00.006-05:00

You just moved into you very first apartment and soon you will be starting your junior year in college. This is going to be a fun year in school because you FINALLY get to do some real classroom work and you don't have to eat in the cafeteria anymore (truth is you will kind of miss it). You will spend the rest of the year eating tuna, top ramon, soup, and beans. Sounds glorious huh? BUT you will adore the classrooms you get to intern in and the time you get in-front of kiddos. You'll finally start feeling like you can actually be a teacher.

Looking back at the last 10 years you have changed quite a bit and yet are still the same in lots of ways too. Sherwood was good for you, especially once you got involved in sports; soccer and basketball. You were awkward during those middle schools years, but sports still worked for you. You were never the star but you weren't on the bench either. Your body changed a lot and let's just say that you were one of those unlucky girls who grew out before you grew up. It hurt when you looked around and saw girls who seemed so skinny and pretty. But you held your head high and hung on to the things you were good at: sports, school, and being friendly to everyone. Only your Mom knew the many tears you cried about your body and how much it really bothered you.

You (age 20) and your brother, Mark (age 18, right before he graduated)

Sports, leadership, school, and eventually youth group kept you going during those high school years. You watched other kids struggle in HS, which confused you because you had an absolute BLAST! You tried and did everything. I love this about you. You had something every second of the day. Soccer, basketball, softball, president of your class, president of FCA and Youth Alive, 3 mission trips to Mexico, youth group leader, worship leader, youth leader at the junior high youth group, a trip to Washington DC for school, Hobby youth student, track and field, wrestling scorekeeper, boys basketball stat keeper, you organized and was MC to almost every school assembly, Link Crew leader, and the list could go on. You were busy!

Somewhere in those High School years something happened. You shot up. And that awkward body began to find itself, you realized very quickly that although it wasn't your favorite sport to play softball was your thing. Coaches promised dreams of college scholarships and you were sure that this was exactly what God had planned for you. It confused you when doctors said things like "you'll never play again" and "you'll be lucky if you can walk well after this surgery". You were crushed when you realized that you were not going to be an athlete anymore.

You walked into college with an uncertainty you had not had in a long time. The Jen "Bush" you knew so well in Sherwood High was so longer there. No one in college cared about the many leadership roles you had, you couldn't play sports anymore, and everyone in college seemed prettier, more talented, and A LOT smarter than you. And so when an older boy noticed you, you did exactly what you knew you shouldn't and fell hard. Freshman year was spent with upper class-men instead of the other freshman you should have hung out with. You put all your self worth in the hands of a boy and so when he was gone you felt gone too.

It hurt having your heart broken. But what hurt more is that you had lost yourself. You didn't know who you were anymore and you faith in your Savior was hurting. For the first time you began to realize that although you loved God very much deep down you thought His love was conditional. That the times when you were good or did good things you thought that God loved you more. When you messed up or did something "wrong" God's love somehow felt less. This is a sad faith to have, because eventually you can't keep this "good" act up and what then? You did some good soul searching and realized that in all the ups and downs over the years one thing NEVER changed and that was God's love for you. That you were his precious child and that he loved you no more or less all the time. That before you were ever a thought in your parent's mind that God loved you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you.

You're 20 now and in such a good place. You have quite a year ahead of you. You will continue to love on the youth you have been working with the last year. You are lucky to get to love on these girls and their families. You learn so much during this time. God begins giving you a passion to take your gift teaching and us it to bring glory to His name. This is the first time in a long time that you realize that maybe God has some cool things planned for your life.

The friends you have right now will be life long friends and you'll make some of the best memories this year. Have fun girl!

Soon (very soon) a certain boy is going to ask you out. And guess what? He is going to be your husband! You will have a fun year dating and next year at this time you'll be planning a wedding. Exciting right?

Until I write the 30 year old letter......

Dear 10-year old Jen

2011-08-12T12:52:00.005-05:00

I wanted to give you an update, but didn't really want to talk about chemo. I am having a hard time this week and getting pretty sick of getting sick everyday. So instead of talking about fevers, puking, and laying around on the couch I decided to do a different kind of post.

Last week I turned 29 for the second time. :D And I thought it would be fun to write a letter to myself at 10 and then 20. So enjoy.....
Dear 10-year old Jennifer, (no one calls you Jen yet)

This is a big day for you. I know how excited you are about FINALLY reaching double digits, it is a big deal huh? I also know that you are a little sad today. You are currently in an arm cast and you are disappointed because you were looking forward to a rollerskating birthday party at Oaks Park. Instead you are having a pool party at your house. No swimming for you, which stinks too. Wish I could tell you that this will be the last time you spend your birthday in a cast, but it is not. You have a couple more epic injury filled birthdays in the next 20 years. So just get used to it, girl.

This is going to be an epic year for you for lots of reasons. First, you are going to get glasses this year. At first, you think that it's pretty cool. Partly because you think you look older and smarter with glasses on. But mostly because you had no idea how bad your eyes were and it is fun seeing the world the way God intended for you to see it. That excitement wears off quickly and then they just become annoying. The cuteness wears off quickly and for the rest of your life you will curse your crappy eyes. (No worries though, your husband will think that you look adorable in your glasses.)

This is your first year in student council. You are going to learn very quickly that you LOVE it. And it will be something you do for a very long time. Listen to the high-schoolers who come and talk to you about being a leader. Jennifer, you a natural leader and I want you to continue to use that gift. People will follow you, but make sure you are doing something that other people should be doing. Stand up for what is right and lead for the right reasons. You will get the chance to do some pretty cool things if you choose to lead the "right" way.

A teacher is going to tell you that you might just be a B student. That is going to crush you and you'll make up your mind right then to prove him wrong. I'm proud of you for all the hard work you will do over the years, but I want you know that you don't need to freak out about grades as much as you will. It won't matter Jennifer. Just do your best and learn for the pure joy of it, not for the grade. (You will struggle with this for years and years)

You are going to move once again this year. It is going to be very upsetting. You haven't really found great friends at this new school and you are scared about starting over again. But I have good news for you. You will make life long friends in that little farm town called Sherwood. It will become your home until you get married one day. It is going to be hard at first. You will have difficulty making friends. But I want you to remember what it feels like. You have a gift of compassion and an ability to make people feel good so remember what it feels like to be the new girl in school. Forever I want you to try and find people who look uncomfortable and make them feel welcome. God will use this gift of compassion you have for others again and again over the years. And don't worry you will find your place in this new school. Soccer will be the place where you finally fit in. You'll go from the nerdy new girl who lots of people made fun of to one of the "cool" kids next year. But DON'T become too cool for others, don't forget what it felt like coming home everyday and crying in your room. It will be easy to forget, and you will want to, but DON'T. God has some awesome plans for you and if you are too busy trying to be "cool" you will miss them.

Lastly Jennifer, this year you will get baptized. I'm proud of you because it is all your idea. You really feel like you are ready to make this decision and you want your church family to be there for you. Your Dad gets to baptize you, and it is a special thing that you two will have forever. You don't understand everything about Jesus, God, and your faith, but that is ok. At 30 you are still learning, but you know that you believe in Jesus and that He is your Savior and I love that kind of childlike faith. Just continue to love others the way that Jesus loves you, don't get caught up in rules, but remember the mercy and grace He gives you and show that to others. And don't become one of those kids who judge others, love them Jennifer. Love them because He loves you. Don't argue and get sucked into debates, it is not your thing. God did not give you the gift of debate, so just show people Him through your actions.

Lastly, continue to smile Jennifer. You have a HUGE smile and I know that you don't like it (and will continue to not love it forever) But it makes others feel good and I really think that God gave it to you for that very reason. You are going to start very soon having trouble loving yourself, your body, and your face, but just KEEP SMILING!

Week 1 in the books

2011-08-05T12:48:00.004-05:00

Well that was a rough week. BUT I made it. And I'm not curled up in a corner sucking my thumb crying while rocking back and forth. Chemo tried to sucker punch me a couple times, but I'm a tough cookie and I AM STILL HERE! I had rough nights, good nights, horrible nights, and so-so nights. I'm happy to put week 1 behind me and looking forward to only 3 more (and then off to the next chemo journey). PRAISE GOD!

Things I learned during Week 1 of Chemo:

* The chemo room still scares me a bit. Mostly because everyone looks SO sick. Even though I've experienced side effects quickly, physically I don't look sick yet. I know that I will eventually look sick and I hate seeing that so vividly everyday.

*Even in the midst of shakes and bad chills I can crack a joke. I love that through this whole thing I have not lost my sense of humor. I love that I can still laugh at this situation and at myself. Praise God for that.

*My husband is a treasure. He writes me a letter everyday and although it makes me cry EVERYDAY, I love that he is doing it. letterstojen.com

*The gym is a pipe dream right now. I'm too weak in the mornings to even try to get to the gym. 2 days this week I have tried to go for a run and have, but I was very weak.

*So will I have to do crossword puzzles someday? Cause all the old people in chemo land LOVE THEM.

*My poor little Alexis is having a hard time saying goodbye to me everyday. That makes me sad. I'm not gone very long, but that little angel loves her Mommy very much. She notices that I am not feeling 100% and tries to make me feel better.

*Vicodin has been the secret to helping me not feel like I have been hit by a truck. Those little miracle pills help with the chills, body aches, and keep the fever under the 102 which is what it wants to climb to.

*When you call the Dr about chest pains, he will MAKE you go to the ER (even if you don't want to) But no worries it was just a weird reaction I was having to the chemo and Vicodin will help with that too.

*No one but the nurses in Chemo land can work my chemo port. I have had 3 IV's put in my arm this week because other nurses can't figure it out. (That kind of cracks me up) I love my nurses!

*I'm pretty sure the old lady sitting next to me right now is dying and no one seems to care. It is another rude reminder that this is going to be a long year.

After week 1 I'm still praising God for his goodness. I don't deserve His love, grace, and mercy. But because I am His child He gives it to me freely.

Drug cocktails, Fever Fun, & Praising God. Chemo Days 2 & 3

2011-08-03T11:57:00.003-05:00

Night one the drugs worked quickly. At about 4:45pm I was in the fetal position on the couch. The fever came on quickly as did the nausea. I had body aches, chills, and overall just felt gross.

At about 3am my fever broke and I slept great. Tuesday morning I woke up feeling great. I even went for a run/jog. I am not a fast runner so it feels weird calling it a "run".

Chemo Day 2 was similar. I'm starting to get used to the chemo room. The moments when I lock eyes with other patients are not feeling as uncomfortable as they did day 1. I feel like I'm part of the "club" now. I can still feel the looks and hear the whispers since I am the youngest by far getting treatment. And it still seems a little surreal that I am even here. I had a good talk with my nurses and pharmacists and they "cooked" me up some anti-nausea meds in my IV. This new "cocktail" will be added to the growing number of drugs on my IV tree stand.

Night 2 was tricky. I went to church that evening. It's a special service to me because we spend time worshiping, watching baptisms, take communion, and pray together. I'm so glad that I went. Even though I had fever the whole time, it was so sweet to worship and take communion with sweet friends. It was especially wonderful to get to cheer on 9 people who were baptized. How refreshing it was hearing story after story of God's grace and mercy. Many of the testimonies were filled with stories of men and women who spent years "trying" to be good and earn their way to heaven. In the end they all realized that that is an impossible and frustrating road, and that God never asked us to do such a thing. That His grace, love, forgiveness, and mercy is a free gift from a Father to his children. What a great reminder for me.

By the time I got home, my fever was worse, body aches and chills were horrible, and I had a headache that was killing me. I took all the meds I could and curled up on the couch. I slept ok, but my fever never broke. Wednesday morning I could not and did not go for a run.

I'm back in the chemo room, getting day 3 drugs. I had a good talk with my nurse and doctor team and they have decided to put me on pain medications at night. This will help with the body aches, chills, and my fever. The anti-nausea cocktail is here to stay and hopefully tonight will be better.

On a super good note: My Mommy comes in today for a week and a half. Very excited to have her back in town.

Thanks for all the love and prayers. I feel all of them!

Chemo Day 1

2011-08-01T14:35:00.003-05:00

I walked into a large room filled with recliners lining the outside walls. It's obvious that someone has tried to make the room NOT look hospital, but it does anyways. Each chair is filled with a very sick person(honestly some looked close to death). My first thought was "Is that going to be me?". I pushed those thoughts out of my head immediately and found my little chair and spot for the next 5 hours. The next hours were filled with lot's of paperwork, lot's of nurses, and a VERY full bag of fluids.

I was given medications to help with symptoms I don't feel yet. I'm told story after story of what I will feel like tonight and the next 28 days. It seems surreal. I'm going to get sick, very sick. But I don't feel sick right now, opposite really. My body feels strong, I'd actually rather be running or doing cycling today. But I'm here.

I'm asked if I want to speak with a counselor. Then it kind of hits me.

This is real. I have cancer and I'm starting my treatment today.

For the next hour I spend time reading the Word and praying. I still feel great spiritually, mentally, and physically BUT the reality is that that just might change very soon! It's scary thinking of suffering, especially when you know is coming.

So today I'm going to cling to the sweet promise that Jesus suffered everything that we will ever suffer. I am going to suffer and it is silly to act or pretend like I am not going to. But I can choose to cling to my Jesus, the one who suffered. And one who conquered suffering FOR ME!

JOYFUL

2011-07-26T16:18:00.005-05:00

Next week, I start a year long journey to DESTROY any cancer cells in my body. It is an aggressive treatment, which is fitting since I have never done ANYTHING in my life half or 50%. It just sounds very "Jen" and yet to be honest I am scared. I have no idea how my body will react to this treatment, and I am NOT good at lying around quietly all day long. But I'm going into this year with a smile on my face and JOY in my heart!

Every since I heard the words "You have cancer" I have felt this whispering to be JOYFUL. It has been a quiet whisper almost too hard to hear at times. That is ridiculous I found myself saying! You can't be JOYFUL with cancer, and a person who is, is most likely the most FAKE person I will have ever met! "I am not fake, God" I found myself saying. Opposite really, I love telling others about my flaws, sins, and mistakes. To be honest, I don't have to "tell" people about them. I wear them like a billboard around my neck. I was kind of mad at the idea of being JOYFUL with cancer, it sounded silly and immature. No one is JOYFUL when fighting for their life. Especially not a young Mom of 3, ESPECIALLY not me. But, I was reminded of the times I went through trials of other kinds, losing a baby, fighting with God for control, watching my precious baby fight for her life, and sending foster children back home. I was not always joyful during those times, which I don't think was necessarily a bad thing. But, for some reason I feel like I am supposed to be JOYFUL in this trial.

Proverbs 17:22 - "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

I'm not being fake or overly spiritual and I would puke in my mouth if people saw my life as that. I'm being as real as I can be. God is helping me find JOY! I have moments ALL the time when I am pissed off, challenged, my faith tested, sad, and fearful for my life. But these moments are ALWAYS cut off by this unnatural need to find JOY. Maybe one of my kids does something absolutely ridiculous and I find myself yanked outta of a depressed fog. One time, God used a friend at the gym to literally smack me in the face (lovingly of course) with a "well at least you have a chance at life, millions don't". That made me just laugh, because it is SO true. Or a best friend who calls me up only to talk about a stupid TV show, if I can still be "that" obsessed with a reality show then surely I have things to be JOYFUL about. Even in the hospital, drugged up, and loathing what God had let happen in my body, minutes later I would be laughing and joking around with a nurse or a doctor. Even now, sitting here writing this post trying to find the right words explaining why I am so JOYFUL through this all, I look up and see a Christmas decoration left out by accident. I was too lazy to put it away months ago when I realized the mistake, and figured it would be okay because it is a simple silver plaque with the letters: J O Y! Seeing it made me laugh out loud.

Today I laid in bed asking again; Why? Why this JOY thing, God?

10 seconds later I found myself watching this video.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks!

I HAVE ALREADY BEEN HEALED FROM CANCER!

Maybe not the cancer that is in my body right now, but I have been healed from the cancer that was slowly destroying my soul. I am free, healed, alive, and because of my Savior throughout this cancer journey......

I WILL BE JOYFUL!!

Saying Goodbye to our Little M

2011-07-10T21:21:00.006-05:00

Last week, we had to say goodbye to our sweet baby "Little M". I can't talk about her case, but I can say that Bio Mom and Dad messed up, and it will be a long journey. So everyone involved agreed that the best thing to do for Little M and her siblings was to put them all together in a foster home (long term). That way, the siblings can bond and if they go up for adoption they will be together. It was horribly sad saying goodbye to our sweet baby girl, but we have learned that God's plan for us on this foster journey is perfect.

We all mourned losing Little M in different ways. Connor immediately asked when we were going to get another foster baby. Bryce was quiet. And Alexis decided to carry her baby-doll around everywhere she went. Adam and I are doing okay. It is always hard for us when we say goodbye to one of our foster kiddos. It hurts deeply. And yet we are all encouraged knowing that God is good and that He has a perfect plan for our family and for the babies we have had in our family.

We talk about adoption a lot in our family. We talk about how we were all orphans before God took us in and adopted us into His family. I love that my kids understand that there are kids out there that need our help and love. I love that they love on kiddos who are not their siblings biologically. I love that they still talk about J-man as their brother and of course Little M as "our" baby. I pray that as they grow that God continues to work in their hearts. I pray that they never feel too confused or mad that our family has decided to live this foster journey. I pray that they continue to pray for all the babies we have come through our doors and I pray that you join me too.

We will take a break from fostering until we feel like I am physically well. Our agency is super awesome and is supporting us no matter how long it takes.

Little M's picture will go up on our family photo wall and forever she will be one of "ours" in our hearts. And one day I pray that I see her again in heaven...

Let the Chemo begin.....

2011-07-01T13:58:00.004-05:00

Adam and I met with my oncologist this week and talked about options.

Here is the low down:

1) I begin chemo August 1st. I will go in and get an IV injection EVERYDAY for 4 weeks (I get the weekends off).

2) After the 4 weeks we will begin my 11 month treatment schedule. I will get to give myself injections 3X a week. Probably a Monday, Wednesday, Friday kind of schedule.

3) We have NO IDEA how my body will respond to these treatments. We talked with the doctor and heard EVERY POSSIBILITY. I could do great the whole time and just be kind of sick. I could do horrible the whole time and never get out of bed. I might be great for weeks or months and then hit a wall and react badly. I might do horrible at first and then do better the longer I am on treatment. I could lose all of my hair, maybe just some, or maybe just maybe none. I could throw up everyday. I could have a temperature everyday or only at nights or not at all. I might get body aches, chills, and not want to move or I MIGHT be at the gym everyday (that WILL HAPPEN) I might have a hard time doing anything or maybe life will be able to continue as usual. I could be a little loopy on the drugs or A LOT loopy. (Adam laughed at that part) My white blood cells might do great and keep me strong or they might drop and we will have to do other therapy to get them back up. My liver might show signs of failing or it might rock it out! My body could completely shut down and we will have to talk about other options. My arm might fall off.....oh ok that is not true, but that is how I felt after going over everything with the doctor.

4) I just said "might" 10 times and "could" 6 times. There will be A LOT of mights and coulds and what if's this year. I will WANT to quit. I will WANT to throw in the towel and give up. The doctor told us that a lot of people do. I will NEED your prayers!!!!

5) "We will cross bridges when we get to them." My doctor will not talk about many what if's with us until we HAVE to. He doesn't want us overwhelmed. My focus needs to ONLY be on staying strong and healthy. If something happens "bad" then we will cross that bridge. There are lot's of medications, therapies, and other options if my body reacts badly to something. We will cross those bridges if we need to. I like that my doctor thinks this way, because Adam and I do as well. We are going to take each day one at a time. If I have a bad day then it is just that ONE bad day.

Well that's it for now. We feel good and ready to get on with this journey. We know, trust, and believe that Jesus is with us through this all. I'm not mad or sad, I am great actually. I am blessed and loved and happy to be ALIVE! This could be a hard year we know that, but we also KNOW that our God is faithful, good, and powerful and that what ever happens it is His perfect plan! (One day I will write about my journey and I how my faith has changed throughout the years, because I HAVE had trouble in the past with "bad things happening to good people" (good people being ME.)) My prayer is that at the end of the day, God uses my story to glorify His name. I pray that this cancer journey will show others that there is HOPE EVERLASTING even when you are battling to live. That whatever happens God is good, no GREAT!

Have any questions? I will try to answer all of them.......

Back HOME and some good news

2011-06-24T21:04:00.011-05:00

I am not going to lie I was pretty down during/after the hospital craziness. Surgery was WAY more complicated than we had hoped. Because of losing all my lymph nodes, I got an infection in my leg. I haven't even started the "hardest" part of this cancer journey, and I just felt sad.

But GOOD NEWS!!! I got "released" from prision...ummm....I mean the hospital on Monday. (Sorry it took so long to update, but we have been battling days filled with junk from CPS, court, and Little M's biological family. For those who are new to following me, we are a foster family and have a little baby girl with us right now. We can't give any details about her case, but it was not good news this week.)

I was so excited about going home. First, because I miss my family so much. And second, because the sooner I got home the better. This is what my husband was tweeting about while I was gone:

"This is what happens when @jenwpc is stuck at the hospital and dad is in charge."

Yes, that is my only daughter clinging to an Iron Man robot with a head of messy unkept hair. So, the first thing I did when I got home was FIX THAT!

See. Much Better.

Today, I met with my Oncology Surgeon, and it was a wonderful appointment. I have had one drain in my leg for over 3 weeks now and another for a week. I was really looking forward to getting rid of them. They are, as I am sure you can imagine, NOT VERY comfortable. I am also very much looking forward to FINALLY sleeping in my OWN bed tonight (first time in 3 and a half weeks). I am FREE of my crutches, and I can begin rehab on my leg. My doctor had to move one of my leg muscles and reattach it in another place to protect my femoral artery and nerves. So, rehabbing that muscle is what I am going to be working on the most over the next couple of weeks. If I am a "good" student, I could be back to 100% in 3 weeks. Both the doctor and I agreed that "I" could do it in two weeks. So, now it's time for some physical therapy and a little hard work.

I also get to rock these pretty sexy things for a couple more months:
Compression wear is going to be the "new" cool style, right?

Prayer Requests:

Pray that my lymphedema stays under control. I will struggle with this disease for the rest of my life, and my prayer is that I find a way to live with it with no side effects.

Pray for my physical therapy. Pray I listen and do what I need to do to get my leg back to 100%.

Pray for my appointment on Tuesday with me, Adam, and my oncologist. We will be discussing our options for my treatment (chemo, when, where, dosages, how long, etc...) and what the next year will look like realistically for me and our family.

Pray for Little M and her case. There was a major setback this week, and we are not sure what will happen next.

Get to the Hospital Now

2011-06-20T10:53:00.010-05:00

Tuesday (June 14th) night almost 1 week after the surgery to remove all the lymph nodes from my leg was just a normal night. My husband had left the day before for a week in California on bussiness and my mother-in-law was in town helping out with the kids. I was on the mend and eager to put this surgery behind me.

At about 8:00pm things started to change. I had struggled with a lot pain and swelling that day and had blamed it on "doing too much" the day before. At 8:30pm I had severe chills and feared immediantly that I was getting a fever. By 9:30pm I had a temperature of 100.7. We called the doctor hotline and waited. 10:00pm I had a temp of 101.8. The doctor called and talked to my mother-in-law and said "Get her to the hospital now".

Our roomate Daniel drove me and I walked right in to a room in the ER because my doctor had called ahead. After a couple of hours, lot's of medication, and a HILARIOUS story I will share soon, the doctor decided that I had infection and HAD to be admited to the hospital.

6 Days later......

I AM STILL HERE!!!

The infection I got was taken care of quite quickly with loads and loads of IV and oral antibiotics. By day 2 I had been given 6 different kinds. My temp was gone, but horrible swelling remained.

The rest of the days here we have been trying to get rid of the swelling. I won't go into a lot of detail incase there is squeamish people out there, but there has been lot's of pain, lot's of drugs, needles, drains, tubes, scalpels, and more compression wear.

My doctor has been great. He knows that I am frustrated and to be honest he is too. But this is an uphill battle. We removed a very important part of my leg. A part that helps fight infection. A part that helps with swelling. A part that my leg is MISSING very much.

I FINALLY got WIFI today, so I will keep everyone updated when I hear something.

I hate staying hospitals, so when I was admitted and landed myself in the coolest hospital room ever I felt very blessed. Check it out....

I have the best recliner and a big screen tv. I have watched more tv this week than in a whole year!

The living room (yes I have a living room) and to the left in my balcony. And I have a full private bathroom.

My view

Here is all the crap they used for just one of the many procedures I have had done. Crazy, right?

Because I have a huge room the kiddos can come over and visit me. I need this! And who wouldn't feel better after seeing these cute faces.

Cancer questions.....

2011-06-11T21:07:00.003-05:00

I have been asked a lot of questions about my cancer journey so I thought that I would just answer a bunch of them here.

1) Why do you have to do Chemo? Good question. Especially after finding all clean nodes this last surgery. It all has to do with the type of cancer I have. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma Cancer. Melanoma is a tricking, sneaky, and very bad ass type of cancer. It has a 80% chance of coming back one day. I don't like those odds. By doing Chemo for a year it will knock off another %20 off. I will still need to be checked for cancer coming back, but this is the best shot I have to kill all of it NOW.

2) Will you lose you hair? Ha a question everyone loves to ask. We have no idea. Some people lose their hair some people don't. But I have been told that even if I don't lose my hair my hair will be more than likely very sick looking. If that happens I am fully prepared mentally and physically to shave my head. This gives me a better chance to have healthy hair when treatment is done. Plus I happen to think that I'm going to be a cute bald lady.

3) What are the other side effects of Chemo? Again we are not sure. Everyone responds differently. More than likely I will have fevers, nausea, weakness, no immune system, sadness, and others.

4) When will you start Chemo? We have to wait until I am healed from this last surgery. And since this surgery was a bigger deal than we had hoped that might be almost 6 weeks from now. That happens to be the week before we go to family camp, so we'll probably wait until after camp to begin treatment.

5) What is a chemo port? This thing is weird and kind of creepy to me. But it will make getting injections, receiving medicine, and getting labs taken A LOT easier. My port in located on my chest right under my right collar bone. It sticks out and looks freakish. It still very tender and hurts right now, but I have been told that soon I won't even notice it.

6) What are the side effects from losing all your lymph nodes? The doctor only took all the lymph nodes out of my left leg. So I will have Lymphedema in my leg for the rest of my life. I might never see effects from it or I might have them forever. I will probably have to to wear compression socks when I work out to prevent swelling. I'll need to do physical therapy and possbile massage therapy. My leg will also be very suspectable infections. Anytime I get a cut or bruise I will have to go onto anitbiotics.

6) What can I do to help? We have a care calendar up and running so you can send me your email and we can get you that information. Just remember that we aren't starting treatment until August so that is when we will need to most help. PRAY! Please continue to pray for complete healing. And for my family over this next year.

Any other questions? I would love to answer them. (And trust me if it was any of you going through this I would ask EVERY question I could think of?

Life goes on.....Alexis' Birthday

2011-06-11T17:45:00.008-05:00

The day after my surgery Alexis had her 2nd birthday. And since I refuse to let this cancer suck any joy out of my life, we had the usual family party. Enjoy some pics and rejoice with me as I take one moment forgetting that I have cancer.

Alexis was a slow present opener and it was hilarious watching the older boys try to "help" her. And then all the boys has to "helped" her play with her new toys.
I can not get off the couch until the Dr releases me, so I spent the party here. I also have to wear sunglasses because the drugs I am on make my eyes very dilated. (yeah basically high) So Alexis went and grabbed her sunglasses.
We had a pretty low key party. Just out of town family and some Texas family. We enjoyed some good food, playing outside in the pool and trampoline, and hanging out. She was so excited to get some "girl" toys. The Rapunzel baby doll was a hit!
CAKE!!

It was a perfect ending to a hard week. Happy Birthday Alexis!!!

Cancer Update: Surgery #2

2011-06-09T13:56:00.008-05:00

Yesterday I went in for another get-cancer-out surgery. We were expecting a very short procedure. Just a couple lymph node removals. Simple. Short. And out of the hospital by lunch.

Boy, were we VERY WRONG! Turns out the Doctor's wanted to take all the lymph nodes out of my groin. This immediately made this surgery more complicated. You need lymph nodes and now that I don't have any in that area I will have to watch out for new complications in my leg. Chronic swelling, infections, loss of circulation, and much more. This can get ugly fast so please be praying that my leg just finds a way to work it out. This will last me for the rest of my life. Because of my "slenderness" (ha that made me laugh)and the amount of stuff he had to take out, my sciatic nerve and femoral artery were too exposed. So the doctor had to reattached a muscle over that spot to help protect them. (that hurts) The 3 inch scar I thought I was getting turned into a 9 inch one. I am very sore. I'll be on crutches for awhile and can't work out the way I like to for 6 weeks. And yes I am pouting about this!

The boys have loved playing broken legs ever since I brought these home.

The doctors also decided to put my chemo port in. This plastic port thingy will make if easier for me to get my chemo injections, take blood work, and receive any other medications. It is right on my chest and is pretty creepy looking. It about the size of a silver dollar and sticks out like my collar bone does. It will be with me for the next year, so I'm doing my best to get used to it.
I was in surgery of almost 3 hours which meant I had to be completely under and tubed. If you have ever had a surgery like that you know that recovery or waking up is hard and painful. And because of the tube they crammed into you mouth and throat everything is sore and tore up for days afterward. When I finally made it out of recovery we found out that my Doctor wanted me to stay the night. This was not good news for me. I HATE staying in hospitals. I've done it many times before and I just don't rest well. But by early evening I did enough charming and convincing with my doctor that he agreed to let me go home for the night.

After convincing my doctor that I would be just fine at home. I was very happy that he finally said YES!

Overall the day went as well as it could have. Now we wait AGAIN. We wait for results from these lymph nodes. Praying that this is the last surgery. We wait to see how my legs does with out all these lymph nodes. We wait for my body to full recover before we can begin Chemo. And I have to wait much longer than I hoped to get back to the gym so I can keep my body strong.

For those curious we are going to set up a Care Calendar so make sure I have your info if you want to help out. Thanks for all the prayers and love!! This is just another step closer to beating this!

Foster Update

2011-06-06T21:35:00.004-05:00

Our sweet "Little M" and her bio family have begun the reunification process. We went to court two weeks ago. The judge loved what she is saw from bio Mom and Dad and ordered CPS to begin reunifying the family. Praise God that "Little M" will be home with her family soon. But this time is always very difficult for us and our babies.

"Little M" is doing okay with the changes but it is hard bouncing back and forth from house to house. She has become a little bit (okay maybe a lot) more attached to me and wants me to hold her all day. Poor little thing is just trying to figure out what is happening. When she came to us in February she had no such schedule, but now LOVES it!! So this is a hard time for her.

Please continue to pray for us as we begin the process of saying goodbye, pray for her parents, and pray for our little sweet baby.

Cancer Update: Oncologist meet up

2011-05-24T21:42:00.003-05:00

Today was a big day.

I had a PET/CT scan last week and was waiting to hear results. And today I was meeting with my oncologist and I had a talk with my surgeon.

First, PRAISE GOD the scan was clean. I don't have any recognizable cancer in my body. This is huge people especially since they had found cancer in my lymph nodes.

So what's next???

A LOT actually!

Sometime in the next two weeks I have another surgery. The surgeon will be taking 2 more lymph nodes out of my groin. We still don't know if there is cancer in them. The CT/PET scan can't detect individual cancer cells, just large groups of them. If they find more cancer cells, we go in again to take more and so on. We do this until we get clean lymph nodes.

Then after a good recovery period I will start my treatment. This will be a YEAR LONG journey. It is like a chemo treatment, but melanoma cancer does not respond well to the drugs in Chemo. So I will be taking a different type of drug. But it has the same affects as Chemo. I will be sick, tired, sore, my immune system will be gone, I might lose my hair, I might get sores, I might just feel like death warmed over. It's going to be a LONG and HARD 12 months. But I feel good about it. (I'll do another post about this, but God is stronger)

Prayer Requests:

First EVERYONE let's PRAISE GOD for a clean scan. Battling melanoma somewhere else in my body would have been the worst case at this point. And since I was a stage 3 cancer patient, it would have bumped me into stage 4.

Pray for my upcoming surgery. Pray for the surgeon. Pray that there is no more cancer in my lymph node system. And pray against some of the risks that we have now. Because the surgeon is taking more of my lymph nodes there are some big ones. We need my healthy lymph nodes to step up to the plate so to say. They need to take over the job of the now gone lymph nodes. There is a risk that I could lose some circulation in my left leg or develop chronic swelling (not good).

Begin praying for this next year and what it is going to look like for our family.

Cancer Update: Not over

2011-05-09T20:55:00.003-05:00

The surgery last Wednesday was a great success. Praise God that the surgeon was able to take out the whole tumor. He also took a lymph node to have tested for cancer cells. He said that the lymph node looked good in the microscope and felt positive about the day. Praise GOD!

We have been waiting for a call about that lymph nodes since Friday. I've been battling bad thoughts all weekend. Especially since a nurse told me that they had the results, but that the doctor had to read them to me. He was in surgery all day Friday and Monday so I had to wait for him. Satan had all kinds of fun planting bad thoughts into my head about that!

Tonight the doctor finally called. And I wish that I could tell you good news. Unfortunately my lymph node had melanoma cancer cells in it.

This battle is not over.

Tomorrow my oncologist and my surgeon will have a pow wow. And I should have a PET scan this week then we go from there.

That's all we know for now.

Prayer Requests:

1) This news was a giant punch in the gut. I really thought that the results would come back negative. Please pray that I continue to keep positive thoughts and stay grounded in the Truth. Overall we continue to feel very positive about everything and know that God plan's in ALL of this is perfect. I've said it before, but I will not let cancer or Satan or any bad news rob me of the Joy I have in Christ and all the blessings he has given me.

2) Continue to pray for my family as we continue to battle this one.

3) Pray for the doctors, and tests, and for my body to heal from this last surgery. If I'm going to need another surgery I have to be healed up first.

Happy 4th Birthday, Bryce

2011-05-05T21:38:00.012-05:00

Bryce-man,

You have been waiting to be 4 years old for a long time now and it was fun celebrating the big day with you today. I hope that it lived up to all you hoped it would be. It has been a joy watching you grow into a little boy this last year. You've even managed to design a style that is just Bryce. Your hair, smile, sparkling eyes, probably no underwear, and definitely no shirt is what you love to wear everyday.

This year I've had the joy of watching you continue your love for learning and you've begun asking even more questions about the world around you. You want to read and just might catch up to your older brother before we know it. You still love building things and are very good at it. One of your newest loves is being a big brother to your little sister. Your face lights up when I ask you to help your sister and you LOVE to play with her. You are so sweet with her, even if it means you have to play kitchen or babies. You do it because you are her big brother.

Now don't get me wrong, spending time with Daddy is still your favorite thing to do. Especially if it means the boys are outside. You are a jumping machine on the trampoline, can ride faster than anyone I know on your powerwheel, and love exploring the forest.

Your faith in Jesus is inspiring. You have concluded from all the stories you have learned that Jesus is a super hero and that is all there is to it. I love that about you. You refuse to believe your older brother when he tries to correct you and I pray that your self confidence in your faith NEVER CHANGES. (Jesus is a superhero in my book too.)

You are still my favorite cuddle buddy and get very mad at me if you don't get a kiss goodnight. Even if I'm not home when you go to bed, the next morning I get a scolding for missing our special goodnight routine. I hope that you never get too old to give me my special loves!!! I love you, Bryce!

Cancer Update: Operation Remove Cancer

2011-05-01T20:21:00.003-05:00

Here's the low down.....

On Wednesday, I check in to the hospital and begin the operation to get that CANCER out! I will arrive at the hospital at 7am (ugh always SO EARLY). I head on over to radiation at 9am to get an injection. This is will color any cancer blue so the surgeon can cut it out easily, and it will identify the lymph nodes he'll be removing for further testing. Then, after chillin' and giving the radiation time to do its thing, I go in for surgery. The surgeon will take out the tumor and about 3/4 of an inch of good cells all around it. He will also take a couple lymph nodes out of my groin to have it tested for cancer.

Then we wait again......(We won't know if the cancer has spread for a couple of days after the surgery)

Prayer Requests:

1) Pray for a miracle. How cool would it be if the surgeon opened me up and found NOTHING? My surgeon is a Christian and would give God all the glory. And it would be incredible. I also picture him deciding to not let the surgery go to waste and perform and little lipo and a tummy tuck. Ha, a girl can dream right? :D

2) Pray that the cancer has not spread. We don't want ONE CELL of cancer to have spread from the tumor. Not a ONE! This would be AWESOME.

3) Pray for the surgeon, other doctors, and nurses.

4) Pray for my family as they wait and wait and wait. I seem to always be the one having the surgeries and always worry about my poor family waiting to hear news.

5) Pray that I can continue to be able to give God all the glory no matter what happens. His name will be praised at the end of the day.

Thanks friends......

Easter Weekend

2011-04-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

On Good Friday we played all day long since Adam had work off. That night we made another craft; a cross with each color jelly bean representing part of Jesus' story.

And Adam read from the Jesus Storybook Bible:

But Jesus stayed.

You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love. "Papa?" Jesus cried, frantically searching the sky. "Papa? Where are you? Don't leave me!"

And for the first time-- and the last--when he spoke, nothing happened. Just a horrible, endless silence. God didn't answer. He turned away from his Boy.

Tears rolled down Jesus' face. The face of the One who would wipe away every tear from every eye.

(seriously, poor Adam almost cries reading from this Bible every night)

On Saturday, we went to our neighborhood Easter Egg hunt. And that night dyed our Easter Eggs.
Sunday the kids woke up excited. We were going to have a celebration, because Jesus had conquered death! They dressed up in their new Easter shirts and dresses. (I am a sucker for making this Sunday more special than any Sunday during the year.) And we had told them that something special was going to happen that morning so they were extra excited. I had spent $25 on each of them and got some pretty awesome gifts. They were thrilled.

(Alexis went straight for the boy's things. Hahaha)

We had church at the Frank Erwin Center, which is where UT plays B-ball. We packed the place out with over 9,000 people. It was absolutely incredible worshiping our risen Savior with the whole Austin Stone family. Have you ever worshiped with that many people??

That evening we had some of our Gowalla family over for dinner. We had over 25 adults and 15 kids running around our house inside and out. We had a blast and ended the evening wishing we did that more often.

Overall, our goal to make Easter week more special was really an incredible thing for our family. We will now look forward to this new tradition. The kids LOVED doing a special craft every night, the candy, and gifts, but in the end the special family time was a favorite for everyone. My hope is that each year my kids look forward to remembering and celebrating the week that our Jesus saved us all!

Family Devotions: Day 3 and 4

2011-04-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night we did an activity called; Resurrection eggs. We got this set of eggs last year from a good friend. Each egg has something inside to help tell the stories from Holy Week. The boys ADORE this. They try to guess what is inside each egg as we go. And then the last egg has NOTHING in it, is always a little bit of a shock. This year Bryce got to open the gold egg and his face was priceless. Afterward we let the boys draw a picture of something they had learned. Connor drew a picture of the 3 crosses on Calvary and Bryce drew a picture of Jesus coming out of the empty tomb. Precious!

On Wednesday, we simply read the story out of the Jesus Storybook Bible about the night Jesus had dinner with his disciples and washed their feet. It is a favorite with our boys because it talks about stinky feet. It was a simply family devotional night, but still special none the less.

Easter Rings

2011-04-19T13:26:00.005-05:00

Here is the activity we did last night. We made Easter Rings and did an overview of Holy Week. It was cute to have each of the boys "share" their Easter Ring with the family. They were both able to explain each important event.

Preparing our hearts for Easter

2011-04-18T00:22:00.006-05:00

Each night this week we will be doing a family devotion time (which usually includes some kind of craft or activity and reading out of the Bible together.) My hope is that Easter becomes just as exciting as Christmas is to my kids. It's so sad that we make such a big deal about Christmas and then drop the ball on Easter. So this year we are trying a new tradition. We'll see how it goes!

Palm Sunday: We cut out and painted our very own palm leaves and then had our very own parade. We shouted "Hosanna" and chatted about why the people were so excited to see this man named; Jesus.

(We might have turned on some Skillet and rocked out too, we just had to put a McManus spin on the evening.)

What traditions do you remember and/or do with your kids? (I might just steal them)

Cancer

2011-04-16T15:46:00.005-05:00

"Jen McManus?"

"Yes"

"This is Doctor So-and-So, I have results from the lab."

This was the moment I had been stressing and waiting for all week long......Four days earlier I had gone to a dermatologist to look at the acne my face insists on having STILL!!?? I also planned on having her look at a mole. This particular mole had changed a lot during my pregnancy. I had had it looked at 3 years ago and biopsied. It came back negative, the doctor wasn't concerned enough to remove it, and so we haven't really thought about it since then. But at a recent physical, my doctor wanted a dermatologist to look at it. The dermatologist literally FREAKED OUT when she saw the mole, removed it immediately, then proceeded to scare the SHI# outta me with lots of cancer talk. For the next 4 days we waited to hear the results.

"Yes?"

"It is a malignant melanoma tumor. You have cancer."

This is one of the moments everyone has probably thought about at least once. When I hear the "bad news," how am I going to react?

Will I.....Cry? Cuss? Faint? Puke?

My reaction: "Okay." A small word, but there was a lot more going on at that moment. When I heard the words: malignant, melanoma, tumor, and cancer, I found myself immediately praying. Just one other word: Jesus! At that moment when the floor dropped out from under me, I found myself clinging, running, burying myself into one thing: JESUS! And because I did at that moment I was just that.....Okay.

The doctor continued with lots of big words, stats, numbers, doctors, surgeries, and other equally scary things. But I clung to Jesus.

I hung up, went downstairs, and told Adam, "I have cancer."

It's been a couple of days now and we find ourselves just moving forward. Cancer will not suck the joy outta my life right now. I WON'T LET IT. (Well, with God's help and strength I won't let it. I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.) Cancer might have my leg, might take my triathlon, might make me sick, or make me sad here and there. Cancer will not win this one, because Jesus already has!!! So, I'm choosing to not just know or believe those words, but live those words.

Here's the 411 on everything we know right now.

I have a malignant melanoma tumor.

It is at least 1 mm thick. (It could be deeper because that is how much of a sample the doctor took or it could just be that 1 mm)

It's on my thigh on my left leg. (Yup, that's my "good knee." And, yup, that means my other two ugly scars from past surgeries will soon be getting a couple friends.)

I will be having surgery in the next week or so to have the tumor removed. The doctor will also take out a couple lymph nodes to test those for cancer. Then he will do a dye test to check to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else. We will not know what "stage" of cancer I'm in until after the surgery.

I feel great. I'm not sick. I'm still training for my triathlon, but now it's just going to have to be a different one. I was supposed to race Mother's Day and obviously that won't happen now. But I've worked hard so far and am going to continue to train. We would love it if I could race on Labor Day in downtown Austin at the LiveStrong Tri (ironic I know.) Today, I rode my second training ride outside and had an 18.4 mile average, which is SOLID. So solid actually, that I had beaten Adam's last ride. He, of course, went out and beat me back with an 18.8 average. But still. :D

Prayer Requests:

Pray Phil. 4:18 over me. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things" Satan wants me thinking about all the what if's and other scary stuff. I refuse to do that! But I need your prayers....

Pray for this upcoming surgery. Pray for the doctors, nurses, surgeons. Pray that this freaking cancer HAS NOT SPREAD!

Pray for my family. Pray that Jesus comforts them during this time of uncertainty.

I will continue to blog about this and update everyone as we go.

New York State of Mind

2011-03-29T20:31:00.004-05:00

Things I learned from our trip to NYC....

1) New York City has the best PICKLES ever. No idea why and no idea why they are so good.

2) New Yorkers are as wimpy about cold weather as I am. And I do admit that I am a wimp about cold weather. I walked the streets in a ski coat, scarf, knee high wool socks, gloves, and a hat. I was still freezing. Adam was usually in a t-shirt and coat. New Yorkers were dressed like me, no one was dressed like Adam.

3) People do NOT dress up for Broadway shows. No one except Adam and me. (very embarrassing)

4) New York City has interesting smells. One mintue your walking down the street and smelling delcious fresh bagels, roasted peanuts, pizza. The next block all of a sudden you get a whif of death or puke. It was weird. Especially after miles and miles of good to bad to good smells.

5) Everyone does honk in New York. And we've decided no one has any idea why. (I would never drive in New York City) I've also concluded that no one knows how a crosswalk works that includes walkers and drivers. I almost saw 4 people get hit by cars. #crazy

6) New York City is Carbohydrate heaven. Bagels, cupcakes, fresh bread, cake, cookies, churrios, pizza, pasta, etc. It was delicious! (And I will pay for this week at the gym)

7) Everything in New York is straight up. We went to the movies twice and both times we traveled straight up to the theaters. One time we went up 5 escalators and the other time 7!!! It was crazy and made me wonder what would happen if there was a fire alarm?

8) I want to speak another language and New York gave me the bug. Everyone there was speaking something other than English and most times had me paranoid that they were talking about ME!!! Hmmmm which language would you learn?

9) I only saw about 20 kids the whole time we were in New York. New York is not a kid friendly town and that did make it easy for me to not think the whole time "Oh I wish the kids were here."

10) In conclusion, I loved visiting New York. But I couldn't make it my home in this stage of life. Have you visited New York, what was your favorite part?

My New York Trip Favorites:

1) Spending time with my Adam.
2) Meeting Annie and seeing Andy again. Good company, good conversation, and good drink/food.
3) Seeing Broadway and the musical Memphis. (I'm officially hooked can't wait to see another musical live)
4) Seeing the City on top of the Empire State Building at night and during the day on top of The Rock.
5) Spending time exploring a new place with my Adam.

New York: Day 4

2011-03-25T22:49:00.011-05:00

Today was our last full day/night in New York. Which means I get to see my babies tomorrow. (I'm so excited about that) So we headed out to the last couple of touristy spots. We headed down to the tip of the island to see Lady Liberty and visit Ellis Island.

It was the first day that we witnessed TOURIST crazyness. And the first time we stood in line all week. And man did we stand in line. 40 minutes to buy tickets. Then another 40 minutes to get on the ferry. It was cold again, but clear and beautiful.

On the ferry towards the islands

So cold on top of the ferry, because we had get to "best shot" of the pretty Lady.

And here she is.....

Inside the building at Ellis Island
Looking up information about immigrant families on the registry.

We headed to Ground Zero next. You couldn't help but remember that day. Where were you?
Incredible seeing the new towers already being built.

It was our last night in NYC and we could have gone anywhere. But we grabbed a quick bit at the diner next to our Hotel. (It is good) And took off to see the movie Sucker Punch. Funny because this is exactly what we both wanted to do. We love going to the movies. And it was on the IMAX and opening night. It reminded us of the "early days" over 8 years ago. We went to the movies every weekend. I know that we will be judged for this decision. That we should have gone to some fancy NY restaurant, but at the end of the day that is just not us. And we had a blast.

New York: Day 3

2011-03-24T23:25:00.015-05:00

Today I woke up with one thing one my mind; BROADWAY DAY. I've had a secret and sometimes not so secret LOVE for musicals since I was a little girl. (Thank you, Mom.) But sadly I have never seen a Broadway play. Not even those traveling Broadway kind that come to your city. NOTHING. So when I found out that we were heading to New York the first thing on my to-see list was a BROADWAY MUSICAL.

But Day 3 was full of other adventures before our evening on Broadway. (man, I feel like I should make you do jazz hands every time I mention Broadway) I hit the gym this morning while Adam was doing work stuff. (and it was an awful workout my legs felt like lead. We have been walking everywhere in New York. Partly because we are cheap and mostly because we don't want to miss anything. But my whole body is SO SORE) After some lunch, we headed out towards Central Park on 5th Ave.

First stop was Radio City Music Hall. Tried to get Adam to do a picture of us doing a couple of kicks but he didn't want to.

Seeing the NBC studios. Sad that we didn't see Kenneth or Tina Fey or Alec Baldwin. Guess you have to pay for the studio tour.

At the gift shop we found this beauty in the clearance section. #SHAME Needless to say we had to buy it and I can't wait to see it on Adam's desk at work.

Then we went to the top of The Rock.

The view was perfect. No obstructions just glass all the way around. 360 degree view of the city.

Here's my adorable Adam humoring me. I don't love pictures without someone I care about in them. (Got that one from my Dad) He was being a good husband for this shot.

Seeing the famous Rockefeller Ice Stating Rink

We had to stop in this beautiful church and snag a couple pictures (which felt weird). We just don't build churches like this anymore.

We then walked and walked and walked down 5th Ave. We walked by Cartier, Coach, Tiffany and Co, and other richy richy places. We saw Trump Tower, the NYC Downtown Apple Store, and visited the big toy store from the movie "Big". But we were too tired to take pictures. I know shameful, huh? It was late and we needed to head back to get ready for our BROADWAY (jazz hands?) night.

We went and saw the muscial "Memphis" It was FANTASICAL!!! Seriousily so great! I couldn't have imagined going to a better show for my first one.

Here's a discription of the musical:
TURN UP THAT DIAL...From the underground dance clubs of 1950s Memphis, Tennessee, comes a hot new Broadway musical that bursts off the stage with explosive dancing, irresistible songs and a thrilling tale of fame and forbidden love. Inspired by actual events, MEMPHIS is about a white radio DJ who wants to change the world and a black club singer who is ready for her big break. Come along on their incredible journey to the ends of the airwaves -- filled with laughter, soaring emotion and roof-raising rock 'n' roll.

It was everything a Broadway muscial should be. Great songs, dancing, a story that tugs at your heart, characters that make you laugh and cry, and plot that is inspiring!!

After the show we got to do the UNTHINKABLE and meet the cast!!! Here I am with the two leads. They chatted with me for awhile, signed my playbill, and took pictures. I was in heaven! Seriously, I might have pee'd in my little cute dress, but I tried to act cool.

Chad Kimball played Huey, the DJ with a soul for a forbidden music. (After finding out Chad was not on twitter I tried to convince him that he should be, he wasn't sold. Ha it was a funny conversation)
Montego Glover played Felicia a soulful beauty with a voice of gold.

Seriously, if you have a chance to ever see this show, you MUST! By the end everyone in the audience was on their feet, wiping tears from their eyes, and clapping, dancing, and singing along. It was a muscial with a fantastic message about love and acceptence for everyone. Truly beautiful!!

And now everyone one last time. THROW some jazz hands up!! HOCKADOO!!!!

New York: Day 2

2011-03-23T21:31:00.010-05:00

We woke up to an ugly snowy cold day in New York. Adam had work stuff all morning so I headed off to the American Museum of Natural History. I forgot my camera so I had to snap shots with my phone.

Here I am all bundled up ready to go out.

At the Museum

That evening we went out to dinner and then went to a movie in Times Square. We had to go up 5 escalators to get to the theaters. Adam and I used to be big movie goers, so it was really fun.

Had to get this picture for my father in law, he loves Fox News. I've heard a rumor that he is getting my kids to like it too.

New York: First 24 Hours

2011-03-22T22:28:00.015-05:00

We made it to New York City got settled into our super awesome hotel and took off exploring.

We walked a couples of blocks to Time Square and had a blast.

Playing at Toys R Us

Then headed to the Empire State Building. Which turned out to be the greatest idea, because there was no line and we've heard that it can be as long as 4 hours. It was BEAUTIFUL.

On Tuesday, I was on my own while Adam worked and so I headed back to Times Square to do a little shopping. I ran into this famous man and knew that my Mom would kill me if I didn't get a picture with him. Unfortunately, while I was trying to get my picture taken with him he changed the rules. He said that I had to "grab a body part" for a picture. I won't tell you what my choices were but I went with chest. He was hilarious!

Then we headed south to Greenwich Village to meet up with Andy and Annie (Gowalla peeps) for drinks and food. On the way there, we saw a crowd gathered around a street basketball court. Found out Chris Brown (who had a busy day on Good Morning America) was playing. I had to get a picture.

Sweet and beautiful Annie

WHEW! What a busy 24 hours!!! Will continue to keep everyone posted.

SXSW recap

2011-03-22T13:10:00.001-05:00

Meeting Jen with her kids: This is how most people see me, since I usually have all 4 kids running around me at all times. I try my hardest to act like I have my head on straight, but many times that is just not the case. 4 kids can be pretty hard to do. I can’t imagine doing anything else, but it is hard sometimes. So when you do find a moment to catch my attention it’s probably going to be a Jen who is a little frazzled and distracted. I will have make up on, but I only had about 5 minutes to apply it so it might be a mess. My hair is most likely in a ponytail. And it’s a good day when I don’t have spit up or snot on my shirt. I’m a Mom and you’ll realize that VERY quickly. I might be a little shy or quiet because I’m still learning this Mom-thing and to be honest I’m a little self-conscious.

Meeting Jen without her kids: WOW this does not happen often, so take advantage of it people. Because quick frankly Jen without her kids is a freaking HOOT. She is confident (probably more the high of having no kids that you are seeing). She most likely took more than 10 minutes to get ready so she’s pretty hot. And might even have a cute outfit on. She’s witty and fun and very friendly.

Last week Jen without her kids made an appearance. She hasn’t been out in a long time. Actually not since the Gowalla Christmas party in early December for a few hours. But last weekend she was out quite a bit. You see SXSW was this last week and it was a crazy week of fun, work, and no sleep. Adam’s parents came to town to help watch the kiddos while Adam worked his butt off and I did the same. (It also gave us some time to go downtown, to concerts, go to the Gowalla party, and hang out with friends) And it was good “practice” for everyone since the grandparents would be watching the kiddos while Adam and I went to New York the next week. SXSW starts off with a bang because the beginning of SXSW is called Interactive. Since Gowalla is such a big player in that world, all Gowalla employees and family are hard at work. This year was different and fun in a new way because Gowalla had a super sweet, super hot, super cool AIRSTREAM all Gowalla-fied. We had the beauty set up right downtown by the convention center for all the geeks and later the music and movie lovers to come visit and experience all the things Gowalla has to offer.

I worked at the airstream for 3 days in a row, while Adam made sure everything in Gowalla-land stayed up and running smoothly and fast-ly. I met with Gowalla fans. Introduced people to Gowalla for the first time and took lot’s of photos. We had a deal that if you checked in to the Gowalla Airstream you got a super cool t-shirt, a free taco, and even a sweet leaf tea. It was fun meeting everyone and working alongside some fun coworkers.

I also got to go to the Gowalla party and had a great time dancing to Matt and Kim and eating at 4:00am at a cool (and expensive) little diner downtown. Another couple nights I went out and had some great food, danced, and hung out with Adam and other good friends.

It was so much fun and made me look forward to seeing Jen without kids more often. I realized that I don’t let her get out much. So little in fact that it took a while to find her the first time I went out. Which is pretty sad because she is the woman my husband fell in love with and to be honest is a pretty fun chick. We do plan on having more nights when Jen without kids and Adam without kids go out together. And I’m also going to work on getting Jen with kids a little bit more confident and not so scared or worried all the time.

Have you ever met either Jens, if so which one?

Some Pics:

Foster Update

2011-03-22T10:24:00.003-05:00

Little M has been with us for almost 5 weeks now. Wow times flies. So I thought I’d give everyone an update. She is a great little baby. I’ve got her on a perfect schedule right now and adore watching her learn more and more each day. She’s rolling over now, laughing, talking, and grabbing things with her hands. (she didn’t do any of that when we first got her) She loves being held and talked or singed to and can get pretty upset if someone (especially Mom) doesn’t pick her up when she wants you to.

The kids are doing great with her too. My favorite thing is when Alexis tries to convince Little M that she should have a binky in her mouth at all times. Little M doesn’t want it, but Alexis (who can only have one in her bed) doesn’t understand why not. Bryce “wubs” her and wants her to stay forever and still insists on introducing our “new baby” to everyone he sees. Connor is stepping up as a “helper” especially if it means he can earn another minute or two of Wii time.

Her case seems pretty calm. I take her to visits each week and have actually started picking up her Bio Mom too. And we’ve heard that CPS is still aiming for reunification in late May. Who knows what that means though. I’ll continue to keep everyone updated as much as I can.

What the heck is GOWALLA?

2011-03-11T11:29:00.002-06:00

Ever heard me talk about Gowalla?? Ever wondered what the heck I'm talking about???? Well, it's the company Adam works for and to us one of the coolest things ever.

It's an experience on your smart phone or iPad or computer. It's a community of YOUR friends and a network that lets you share your experiences, places, cool spots, and deals in your area (and really around the world). You simply sign up HERE. And hook up your Facebook/Twitter to find friends who are using Gowalla. Then you go out and EXPLORE! Find your friends favorite places, parks, concerts, and events. You can search for new places, see pictures, read YOUR friends reviews, and learn about places around you.

It's fun to connect with friends. We've changed our dinner plans because we saw that our friends had checked in to another place down the road. We hooked up with them because of Gowalla and enjoyed a fun evening that wasn't planned. We've found new resturaunts. Kid friendly parks. Festivals. There is also a great feature that lets you leave notes at places for friends. How cool to be able to leave a little note for my husband that he can read when he gets to work. OR, leaving a note to REMEMBER to get toothpaste at your local grocery store. Next time you are there it will remind you about that STINKIN toothpaste (and yes right now my kids are out of toothpaste).

Did I mention that you can get deals??? Oh yes, check in to places and you might get 10% off, a free coffee, a t-shirt, heck people have even won iPads, bikes, trips, and more. (Who doesn't love free stuff??) OH and DISNEY loves Gowalla too.

Gowalla is like a social travel guide, and it syncs up to your facebook and twitter so GO SHARE where you are and what you are doing. (If you don't want to share it then just don't click share and it stays private.)

HERE is a SUPER cute video showing a fun day using Gowalla in Austin, TX.

Where Will You Go? from Josh Williams on Vimeo.

CHECK IT OUT.

Let's go fly a.....WAIT!

2011-03-06T23:08:00.007-06:00

Today was Austin's Kite Festival. Problem was there was NO WIND! (Which is SO funny cause in AUSTIN there is ALWAYS WIND) But we promised the boys that we would go and they bought super cool kites for Adam's birthday.

We still had a blast even though our super cool kites would not fly. And we've promised that we'll go back to the park and fly them another day.

This one is me catching Alexis sneaking cookies out of her brother's bags.

We love to jump!

2011-03-02T21:33:00.006-06:00

So we found out last week that the State of Texas has decided that foster families can now HAVE trampolines in their backyards. When we got certified last year is was a very big NO-NO. So last FRIDAY Daddy stayed up late and put our new "backyard attraction" together. We been enjoying this weird summer weather(sunny and 80 degrees) and jumping ever since.

After hours of jumping the boys decided to make a fort

watching the stars!

I can't write a post about trampolines and NOT put this video up again.

Hopefully more videos of PURE AWESOMENESS are to come!

new placement

2011-02-22T22:15:00.006-06:00

We got the call last Wednesday for another foster baby. This time a 4 month old baby girl!!!! Here's all the information I can give you right now.

1) She will more than likely be only a foster. Yup, that means we'll find ourselves handing over this little angel back to her biological parents one day. (That day could be as early as May)

2) Due to issues we can't discuss we are actually the second foster home for this little angel since being originally removed from her biological parents.

3) We'll call her "Little M" online. (for those who don't know we can't give any personal information about our foster kiddos online....Oh and no pictures)

4) 4 month old babies don't sleep through the night! Huh? She was getting up 2 times a night when we first got her, but I have her only getting up once now. So I feel good about that. UPDATE: We're back to up at 2 am and 6am every night. Lord Help ME!

5) Connor, Bryce, and Alexis and adjusting great! They love to help feed her, make her smile and laugh, and don't care one bit that we have another McManus kiddo.

I'll keep everyone updated as we continue on yet another foster journey......

Empire State of Mind

2011-02-14T20:22:00.002-06:00

So why do I keep singing this song....

Because my best friend surprised me with a 5 day trip with no kids to NEW YORK CITY. Adam has some Gowalla stuff to do and decided to throw me in a carry on bag. :D We haven't had a night away with just us since our honeymoon (over 8 years ago.) And I haven't been away from my babies (besides hospital overnights) EVER! So needless to say this trip is very LONG overdue.

I'm SO VERY excited! We've never been to NYC and it sounds like a perfect trip to just be us. Especially because I won't be thinking "oh I wish the kids were here for this". We will be doing all adult things all week(you should see the hotel we are staying; it's VERY CLASSY and very :gulp" New York) and having an ABSOLUTE BLAST.

Have you ever been? What are the "must sees"?

And what am I going to wear??? (HELP ME)

70 degrees in FEBRUARY

2011-02-13T20:40:00.007-06:00

I'm really not sure why it took Adam and me almost 7 years to move to Austin, TX. Because I'm SERIOUSLY in love with this city. This weekend it was mid 70's!!!! In FEBRUARY!!!!

So we headed OUTSIDE.....

We had to grab some Torchy's first. (We eat at Torchy's Tacos at least once a week. It's one of Austin's BEST. If you ever visit us, it is a MUST EAT!) And you haven't lived until you eat at a trailer park.
Next we went for a hike around Town Lake and then played at the park.

*this post and the pictures are really for all our grandparents!!

Foster Update

2011-02-13T13:53:00.002-06:00

Yes, we're still fostering.

We're back on the list and waiting once again. We almost got a newborn baby girl a couple weeks ago. (Umm yeah that made my heart skip a beat....a NEWBORN)

This is always a weird place to be. First, I feel like we're always 1 phone call away from another crazy journey. And second, because I can't "hope" to have a placement because that simply means a baby is being hurt somewhere.

So, it's good that we haven't had a call. And it's not good because we are back to waiting......

(I hate waiting)

When I grow up

2011-02-09T14:18:00.002-06:00

When I grow up... I want to

be a musician (still working on learning guitar)

be an Ironman

be a teacher (in a classroom again)

be an artist (I used to draw a lot)

be a talk show host

be fashionable

be a nurse or doctor

be a camp director

be a farmer (it sounds kind of fun)

be a handy woman (I can use a hammer and a drill and that's it)

be a home decorator (ha I don't even know what it is called)

be a cruise director (right? I would be awesome at that)

be an author

But for now I'll just stay being ......

a cook (well I'm trying)

a nanny

a maid

a in-house laundry service

a teacher (in home)

a play thing

a friend

a wife (was going to put "hot wife" but wasn't feeling it today with my hair in a pony tail)

a chauffeur (wow I had to look up how to spell that one, which is why I won't ever be an author)

a cat trainer

a butt wiper

a referee

a counselor

a personal shopper

a photographer

a personal organizer

a nurse

a stylist

a rookie triathlete

a remember every play date, karate practice, dinner, birthday, bible study, special event, and get the family there on time-er

And today I'm going to love EVERY second of it.

Having a little girl is messing me up

2011-02-08T13:02:00.010-06:00

I admit it, when I think about raising a little girl it SCARES me to death. It just seems so much harder to raise a little girl. There is so much pressure from an early age to be a certain way and I hate it. That isn't the case with boys. Boys can be jocks, video game studs, computer wizs, Lego dudes, superheros, whatever. But with girls it just seems different, I don't like it. There seems to be one way a girl should be....which is a Disney Princess (I think). I'm far from "girlie" and don't want to push being a tomboy or being a prissy little girl on Alexis. I want her to be exactly what God has created her to be. So she has access to every type of toy, wears lot's of pink but also orange, blue, and green, and will be able to play any sport she wants too(maybe not dance I mean really, imagine me trying to go over her "dance moves" yikes.) But still I worry....

Having a little girl has caused me to do things I never did with the boys. I never looked at what other little baby or toddler boys were wearing to check and see if Connor or Bryce looked "cool" or whatever. I didn't care, we had a McManus boy style and to heck with what everyone else was wearing. But with Alexis I'm paranoid. ALREADY I'm checking out other little girls. Constantly checking to make sure I'm not dressing her like a weirdo or something.

The really sad part is that having a little girl is unearthing insecurities I HAVE and feelings I don't like to feel. And yuck I hate that. I want to write about it more later. But I never expected that having a girl would be so very different than boys.

Moms with girls, do you feel the pressure or is it just me?

*For those wondering if I'm FINALLY done with the cirriculum I'm working on for HELP. I am and I am NOT. You see they have asked me to do even more. So I'm trying to blog and write at the same time. Ha this should be interesting!

Sssh don't tell...

2011-02-04T22:50:00.006-06:00

Nope, I'm so not done with my curriculum yet. (I KNOW I KNOW!!!) I'm almost done. But Austin got an inch of snow and the whole town went CRAZY. Turns out it hasn't happened since 1906, so with that in mind I guess it was kind of, sort of a big deal.

So I am breaking my "no blogging until I am done writing" rule to post just a couple pictures. (Forgive me, Chris Marlow and the HELP team, I'm almost done and as you've seen already the lessons are totally rocking your socks off)

Alexis; my little snow bunny
Bryce, making a snow angel
Connor, trying to hit me with a snowball

Banned from blogging

2011-01-29T23:53:00.003-06:00

Hold back the tears my two readers. But I'm banned from blogging......

Only for a couple of days so don't get too upset. I'm right in the middle of writing some pretty FREAKIN awesome curriculum for one of my favorite non-profits; HelpEndLocalProverty. And if anyone knows me, knows that I wait until the last minute to do anything. And this cirriculum is DUE this week. Which of couse means I've barely touched it. Oh it will get done. And Oh it will be INCREDIBLE! But I cannot blog until it is finished!

So until then..........

Enjoy these...(courtesy of my brother Mark)

Our new roomie!

2011-01-19T23:02:00.003-06:00

So, we have a new roomie! (and he is a rockstar)

This is Brandon. He is a ROCKSTAR, or at least we think so. He is an über talented musician and has the prettiest hair (seriously, I'm jealous of his hair). He is interning (or will be soon) with our church Austin Stone and our worship pastor Aaron Ivey. We want him to have the freedom to do ministry and not have to worry about work, rent, utilities, etc... So, he lives in our downstairs bedroom that NEVER gets used and is a part of our family.

He loves our kids and they ADORE him. Connor still thinks it is absolutely the coolest thing ever that we have a Rockstar living under our roof, and that he drives a scooter. Bryce, who calls Brandon "Frandon" or "Him", always asks why he sleeps so much (you see a Rockstar gets to sleep in everyday). And, Alexis has taken to walking right into his room to find him. She loves her Brandon, and he can make her smile in a millisecond (so cute). He plays guitar, sings, writes, and shares a love of weird music with Adam. (I've heard rumors they are getting a turntable and are planning big things with that....um yikes)

Other things about Brandon: he's been on tour around the country, has an awesome family that loves adoption (I hope I get to meet them in person one day), and has a huge heart. He's going to give Connor and me guitar lessons (he just doesn't know that yet). Last but most definitely not least, he loves God oh so much and wants to use the gift of music to bring Him glory. That gets us SO excited, and we look forward to being (even if it is small) a part of his story.

*Did I mention that he was single? (I know crazy, huh?) What is wrong with girls these days???

You got a WHAT???......

2011-01-18T20:18:00.007-06:00

So, you need to understand a few things about the McManus family...

1) We are animal lovers. Particularly dogs, but more on that later. Adam and I both grew up with dogs and cats and love them. Our kids are animal lovers too (especially our oldest).

2) We had 3 BEAUTIFUL dogs. Aww man, we loved those dogs. But, they were HUGE dogs. Unfortunately, although they wouldn't hurt a fly, the foster system doesn't really love them. The fear is that a little scared, wounded, hurt baby or toddler could be dropped off at our house and become overwhelmed or stressed out with 3 very large dogs in her or his face. So, as a state certified foster house, we were going to have to keep our wonderful dogs outside more than we think is fair. We found awesome homes for them and sadly said goodbye to our friends. Adam and I were crushed. Connor was especially upset because he LOVED them.

3) The idea of adopting another dog hurt us, our wounds from our other dogs are just too raw and new. But our kids were desperate for a pet.

4) Our kids (the boys especially) have had to say goodbye to lots of "family members" in the last year. First our 3 precious dogs. Then our Daniel. Then J-man. And another "brother" we only had for 1 day. It was starting to get a little sad watching our children say "goodbye" to family they loved so deeply.

So, we decided that a family pet would be a most wonderfully special thing to do.

MEET:

Starbuck

AND

Apollo

This cute little sister and brother were abandoned and left on the side of the road. The animal shelter let us have them for FREE (my favorite price), and they will take care of all their medical stuff (shots, spay, neuter, etc...) for a VERY low price.

As you can tell from the boy's faces, we are very excited about our new family members. New family members that Connor explained, "Are not going to leave us. Ever."

No idea......

2011-01-17T19:31:00.007-06:00

Ever feel like you have NO IDEA what you're doing? Today was one of those days. I just felt like I had NO IDEA what I was doing.......

For example:

I let my kids have cereal or sandwiches for dinner(sometimes), because I just don't want to have the "eat all your dinner" battle AGAIN. I have NO IDEA why they hate dinner so much.

My second and third children REFUSE to talk before the age of two. Both are "evil" smart and both have refused to talk. Connor was practically debating with high schoolers by 18 months. Bryce(3 years old) now talks up a storm. And Alexis (18 mths) only has 15 words. I have NO IDEA why.

Connor is learning how to read and I have NO IDEA if I'm doing a good or a bad job. And I'm absolutely petrified that I'll mess up his ability to love to read for the rest of his life. (Did I mention that I used to be a teacher???!!!)

I watch stupid reality TV. I mean we're talking Teen Mom, 16 and Pregnant, and The Bachelor. The stupid stuff and I have NO IDEA why, but I love it.

After spending a evening listening to Brandon (our new roomie) play guitar and sing, I decided that I needed some sort of hobby. I have NO IDEA what it will be. (Any ideas for me?)

I work out everyday because I love it. But I have NO IDEA why I can't eat healthy. I just don't.

I'm more in love with my husband then I was the day I stood up to marry him. We don't fight like EVER even though our life is a crazy circus pretty much all the time. I have NO IDEA what we do, but we just work perfectly. (Well I might have some ideas about this one, but that is for another post)

I have a new camera that came with a freakin novel for a manual. And I haven't read it yet. So I currently have NO IDEA how to use my camera.

Ever feel this way? Like you have NO IDEA what you're doing?

(Luckily for me, my kids are adorable and even though I have NO IDEA how to use my new camera, I got these.....)

Home Decor 101

2011-01-14T20:46:00.004-06:00

I totally suck at "decorating". I'm beginning to think I was sick that day they covered that in my Life Styles class in High School. Remember that class? You studied things like healthy food choices, how to write job resumes, interview, balance a check book, taxes, etc.

But like I said I missed "Home Decor 101" day. I decorate in 2 different ways.

1) Hang a bunch of pictures of my family (in frames, I have class people) in some random maybe not so random way.

2) Leave the wall ABSOLUTELY blank!

So this weekend I spent some Christmas money and bought random crap to hang on our walls. I had no idea what I was doing and just kind of bought stuff I liked. Then I came home and kind of threw them up on the wall.

Here's some pictures.......
*that giant silver frame will soon hold our family picture, it's just not here yet.
* these canvas prints are from Daniel Davis our first roomie.

I'm still working on the next couple of walls. I bought a giant mirror for our living room but have no idea what else to put with it. So just picture a giant white wall with a mirror on it. It's a start though, right?

A story to tell.....

2011-01-13T20:28:00.003-06:00

I've always loved telling stories. Back when I was cool and hip in the eyes of all the youth I worked with, I was known for my crazy stories. But I've never felt like I have a life changing story in anyway. But the last year has been quite a crazy one for our family and I'm beginning to feel like maybe I do have a story to tell, and more importantly that we ALL have stories.

This week were asked to tell our story about fostering in less than 3,00 words. It was harder than I thought it would be, but here is what I came up with. You might see this story one day in a little video or published in a book, but until then read it and take a moment to think about your story. Do you have one to tell? If so I encourage you to write it down, share it with others, or keep it to yourself and then reread someday. Enjoy.....

Within a month of completing our foster care certification, J-man (a 10 month old little boy) was dropped off at our home in the late afternoon. He was scared, over tired, hungry, and had nothing. We were told his case would likely end with adoption into our family. Over the next couple of weeks he became our son, a brother to our boys, and a "twin" to our daughter. We were now a happy family of 6!

3 weeks later we found ourselves meeting Bio Mom and learning that she was fighting to get him back. CPS now believed J-man would one day be reunified with her. It hurt deeply.

We picked ourselves up off the floor and made a decision. We weren't just called to love our son for as long as he was in our family. We were called to love his Bio Mom too. Jen began to befriend her slowly, learning her story. She grew up in foster care and did not trust the system. She never felt like anyone was on her side, then or now.

She became part of our foster story. We called her, encouraged her, held her hand in court, and even helped her throw a birthday party for J-man, letting her invite her friends/family. We saw her change, grow, start making smart decisions, and become a better Mom. Jen held her and talked her through a miscarriage. She was our son's mother and she needed our love, support, help, and prayers. We made her struggles our own, even though it would mean J-man would eventually leave our family.

6 months later, we drove a van full of clothes, diapers, food, toys, and other supplies to an HEB parking lot. We got out of the van and embraced. Tears on everyone's cheeks. That day we would say goodbye to our son, our children's brother. But, on that same day a mother and son were becoming a family again. A broken family became whole. A week before we would celebrate the birth of our Savior, we saw a family restored, sins forgiven, and a new beginning.
Our children miss their baby brother. We miss our son. We still talk to Bio Mom, receive pictures of our little man, and pray daily for them.

When we started the journey to becoming a foster family we never thought that we'd be strong enough to love Bio Mom. We thought that we'd be like other foster families and just love on the kids. But God had a different plan. God wanted to use our family to radically foster the "whole" family. God called us to sacrifice so a family could be restored. God called us to love the unloved. God called us to love even though it hurt.

Bio Mom shared with Jen many times that her experience growing up in the foster system was bad. She was scared when CPS took J-man. But, we showed her a love no one would. We fought for her and her son. The love and acceptance God showed us by sending His son enabled us to love and accept Bio Mom. Our love and acceptance gave her the strength to work so hard at getting her son back. Through this first foster experience, God taught us so many things about loving like He loves.

If you could tell a story about yourself in less than 3,000 words, what would it be about???? Go share it with someone.

A year ago.....

2011-01-11T20:38:00.006-06:00

Hopefully today you will take time to remember what happened a year ago to a little country you may have never have thought twice about until that day. That little country experienced a tragedy like none we've ever seen or could truly imagine. A year later, that little country is still fighting for hope, life, freedom, and the basic things we take for granted everyday.

As we start a new year and as you take a moment remembering Haiti and a people who need our love, hope, and help, think about doing a couple of very easy things that could in return DO BIG THINGS.

1) Throw a Garage Sale for Orphans. You know all those old toys and other junk piled up in the garage or attic? Get some friends together and throw a garage sale party. Then donate all the money to an orphanage in Haiti, help build a water well, or help buy a new home for a family. So easy and so fun to see what God can do with your "junk." (We did one last year and will do another soon. It was so incredible.)

2) Sponsor a child. We sponsor a little girl from Zimbabwe and love her so much. We have her picture on our fridge (the only picture I allow on the front actually). She smiles at us every day and reminds us that we have chosen to live differently. We chose to give up a couple nights at chick-fil-a each month for her. We give up little luxuries so she can have shelter, food, school, and hope. She reminds my kids that when we pray for her every night, we pray that one day we get to meet her, here on earth and one day in heaven. She is part of our family. You can change a child's life too. And it ONLY costs $35 a month. Just look at those faces.....Sponsor a child from Zimbabwe or Haiti today.

3) Read this story of a young boy who started a movement, and be inspired to do something. Get excited and talk to other people. Listen to your heart. What is God stirring? I promise you that there is something. Pray....Pray...Pray.....and then DO SOMETHING!

I dare you.......(maybe even triple dog dare you)

New Years Resolutions...yeah who I am kidding?

2011-01-03T20:24:00.005-06:00

I've never been one to do the New Years Resolution thing. (And even put off this post until the 2nd week of January. I'm such a rebel.) Probably because the only one I can think of each year is.... eating better.....and well that is just never gonna happen. (Even right now, I'm making cinnamon rolls......Mmmmm gooey CARB-A-LICIOUS cinnamon rolls.)

Instead I'm going to try to do "goals". You see apparently if you change the name to "goals" it makes some kind of difference. We shall see. Feel free to check up on me and see how I am doing.

1) Do at least one triathlon this year (maybe two) and beat my time from last year. (Ugh the one I'm going to do is in April this year. :gulp: ) And I want to be able to do 100 push-ups in a row without stopping. (Did I mention that I hate push-ups?)

2) Read/Study the Gospels and Epistles and journal everyday (well 5 days a week). Continue reading through "Bible Doctrine" By Wayne Grudem (that book is like the best Christian theology cliff notes version and it's still hard, but great read).

3) Read more. And that means reading fun books too (I can't remember the last time I read a book that was just silly and fun). And I want to read to the boys more this year. Thinking about reading "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe". Any thoughts on that one?

4) Make friends and work on the "new" ones I have. This one sounds really sad, huh? But I haven't made the kind of friends I had in Keller. And I take all the responsibility on this one. It's really hard to make friends when you have a million young kids. (Wow any other Moms struggle with this one? I used to be SO social and outgoing)

5) Adam and I will continue to go, do, give, and obey whatever God calls us to this year. We will continue to let someone who is in ministry and can't have a full-time job live with us for free. And we will continue to foster as long as we feel like God wants us to. And who knows what else God will calls us to this year.....

That's it.

Well......secretly I should have others like; trying to dress like a 30 year old, become better at daily scheduling, become more daring with cooking, actually "cook", and get a hobby. But I'll stick with the 5 above.

What about you? Resolutions? Goals?

The McManus Life 2010 in Pictures....

2010-12-30T23:52:00.001-06:00

You knew it was coming. Here is our annual video recap of our year. All in pictures.....ENJOY!

It's love when.....

2010-12-25T22:03:00.007-06:00

on your anniversary you buy each other gifts that both drive you absolutely CRAZY.

Adam does not share my love for taking a picture of EVERY thing. But for our anniversary he bought me a awesome new camera.
And I do not understand Adam's love for video games. But I bought him Rock Band so he could play "rock" with his boys. (It was a big hit!) Adam might even tear up when Connor 100% his first song, he's gotten SO close.
More importantly, you know it's love when....You sit down to a romantic dinner on your anniversary in downtown Austin and receive a phone car. You hear words like; abandoned baby, can you take him tonight, sorry we know that you are out to dinner, and please. You take one look at each other and ask for the check. I love this......man.
* they found the little boy's family the next day and although we never got any details on his case, we know that he went home to "family". It was an emotional 24 hours, but it was exactly what we were supposed to do.

Merry Christmas from the McManus Family

2010-12-24T15:29:00.005-06:00

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly. 1st Peter 4:8a This almost perfectly sums up our year…

L-oving others has lead us on quite a journey this year. We opened our home to a young-professional, non-profit photographer named Daniel who lived with us for almost 8 months. Since then, Brandon (a promising worship leader who is interning at our church) is now calling our house his home. It’s been wonderful helping these guys out and watching God use their gifts in extraordinary ways.

O-h boy, another BOY! We became a foster certified home in June with the hope we could love on a little boy or girl who needed it. We dreamed that God would use us to not only love this child, but to also adopt. J-man came to us in July, and God had a very different plan for him. He soon (by the end of the year) will be unified with his Biological Mom and family. It will be a JOYOUS but sad day as we see God make a family whole again. Please pray for everyone involved and for the next child we welcome into our hearts and home.

V-acation as a family! We went on our very first McManus family vacation. It was such a blessing to have a whole week to do just family stuff at Pine Cove Family Camp. Connor celebrated his 5th birthday at camp and became a “big kid” overnight. He is all about learning to read, practicing karate, playing video games, and becoming a rock star. Bryce captivated everyone at camp and in class (especially since he was the only boy). He also discovered a hidden self-confidence that we’ve enjoyed seeing. He is the thinker of the family and a little joker. He loves playing Legos, coloring, riding his big boy bike, and loving on his little sister and brother. Alexis is not a baby anymore. She’s walking and talking and wearing big girl ponytails. She and J-man enjoyed air-conditioned naptimes while the big kids and Mom and Dad enjoyed family free time at the lagoon, horseback riding, doing the ropes course, and swimming. Adam and I even got to enjoy a couple nights going on dates. We are counting down the days until we go again.

E-veryday is a new adventure for us and you can read about them on our family blog at http://jenmcmanus.blogspot.com/. Adam continues to enjoy creating new things for the tech world while working at Gowalla. Jen is still rocking the stay at home mom thing and competed in her first Triathlon this year. Please pray for us as we continue to learn how to love others the way Jesus first loved us.

May you have a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Love, Adam, Jen, Connor, Bryce, and Alexis

All I want for Christmas....

2010-12-19T15:26:00.004-06:00

I'm not a sappy person. I don't like movies what make me cry (I used to like them now I hate them). I'm not a card person (usually). I'm not a cry- er, but when I do cry (watch out). AND I HATE sappy Christmas songs that try to make me cry.

With all that said.

I've received 6 (YES 6) emails this month about kids waiting for forever families here in the Austin area. They break my heart. Sweet smiling kids with NO family. Living right here. I also have the great pleasure of being friends with a couple of people who work oh so very hard for the orphan around the world. When I close my eyes at night, I see the faces of children who are in desperate need of love, water, food, a family living here and around the world.

And so this song is on my heart and in my head this Christmas: (yes this is a sappy song that will make you cry) ENJOY!

Sponsor a child with Help End Local Poverty

Buy a Fair Trade Gift for Christmas

Become a State Certified Foster Babysitter

Become a Foster Family

Adopt

How did it go?

2010-12-17T20:37:00.004-06:00

I know that is what everyone is thinking. So here's how the morning went. We kept the morning very simple and very "what we do every morning". We got dressed, ate breakfast, laughed, played with toys, and rushed to get everyone in the car on time.

We drove to meet Bio Mom and I was beginning to get a little sad when all of a sudden I heard a whimper and a sound no Mom wants to hear. Yup, Alexis puked EVERYWHERE!!! She puked milk which made it even worse. I had to pull over on the highway and cleaned her up.

Cleaning puke was HORRIBLE, but a little bit of a blessing. You see I don't have normal "flight or fight" response to stressful things. Nope I'm more of a "clean or fight" kind of person. When I stress out or am sad. There is only one thing I want to do; CLEAN! I know it's weird, huh? So it was good that right about the time I was starting to get pretty stressed and sad, I got distracted and just had to clean.

When I finally pulled into the parking lot, I felt pretty good. I hadn't even thought about it, cause well I was paranoid that Alexis was going to throw up again.

Anyway I pulled in and jumped out of the car. Bio Mom was already crying and so I teared up a bit too. We embraced and celebrated for a moment. I hadn't seen her since court a couple months ago. We had talked on the phone, but it wasn't the same. She thanked us and began crying again. She told me that she couldn't have picked a better family to love on J-man during this time. It was a perfect "goodbye".

The older boys did a great job saying "goodbye", because we had told the kids that J-man's Bio Mom was sick and couldn't take care of him. So to them even though they weren't going to see their brother again, it was exciting to them that he finally got his Mommy back. Connor told me on the way back home that J-man's Bio Mom must have really missed him and will be so happy to have him for Christmas. I love that kid's heart. He just "gets" stuff sometimes.

Bio Mom and I had one last hug and a cry. And we took off. The rest of the day was pretty normal (expect no gym for me because of pukey Alexis, luckily she never threw up again). I had some moments when I teared up, but overall felt good.

I need prayers from everyone that the Holy Spirit continues to do a work in my heart. It's the only way I've made it threw this crazyness this whole 6 months. I've had a weird peace this whole process and I can't explain why without talking about "a peace that passes all understand" (Philippians 4:7). Even when things got sad or frustrating or just plain annoying, I always felt a calming peace. I will continue to need that the next days and weeks.

The bigger question is "will we do this again?" I'll write about it later. But the short answer is "yes, of course".

Saying Goodbye to a SON

2010-12-15T21:42:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow morning I'll wake up. Go into his room. Scoop him up and get him dressed. I'll tickle him and get a morning hug. We'll walk downstairs. I'll walk, he'll go on his stomach. I'll get his milk and his cheerios. He'll be smiley and giggling as the kitchen becomes louder and louder with kid's voices, and squeals, and screams. He'll talk and giggle with his sister. Maybe even throw a Cheerio or two. I'll clean him up. Get his things and walk him to the car.

Then I'll say "goodbye".....

On Friday, I'll say goodbye to my son. He came to us 6 months ago; scared, sleepy, with no clothes, no toys, nothing. We knew nothing about him. But LOVED him. He quickly became part of our family. We had a couple of weeks where we thought he'd be our son forever. Then for months we knew that just simply wasn't the case. His Bio Mom was working hard to get him back and one day we would say goodbye.

My heart is aching and rejoicing. Rejoicing for a mother who has not been with her son for months. She has worked hard and is doing great. But he is MY son. He's been MY son for months. He calls me "Mama." He's a brother to my sons. A brother...no a twin to my daughter. He's my husband's "big man" and son. He loves us very much and we love him.

I'm frustrated that we have to say goodbye a week before Christmas. I hate that he won't be here with us. But I'm excited that his Bio Mom doesn't have to miss the first Christmas he gets to enjoy.

Join me friends. Pray for our little man.

Pray for his Bio Mom.

Pray for this transition.

Pray for Connor, Bryce, and Alexis. Pray for Adam and me.

Pray that the short time he was with us, the short time he was our son means something eternally.

Pray that one day I see my son again. This time we embrace knowing that we'll spend eternity together......Pray my friends!

Annual McManus Christmas Q & A Video

2010-12-14T23:46:00.003-06:00

Last year we did a Christmas Q & A video and had so much fun doing it. So we decided to make it an annual thing.

ENJOY!!

Christmas Questions from Adam McManus on Vimeo.

How we do Santa

2010-12-13T13:48:00.003-06:00

So, I grew up completely believing in Santa. My parents did a great job making it super fun and super easy to believe. At age 8 or so, my Mom told me the "truth" about Santa which didn't shock or hurt me. I remember being completely ok with it. I didn't question our belief in God or creation or Jesus. I was just "ok" with it.

When we started having kids, Adam and I just kind of did what our parents did. Recently though, we've found ourselves doing stuff "differently." Connor, our oldest, has become very concerned with what is "pretend" and what is "real." We watch lots of Star Wars, dragon movies, play video games, and do other "pretend" things. We read about "pretend" places. A question I get at least once a day is: "Mom, is ______ real or pretend?"

Adam and I have also spent a GREAT deal of time making sure our kids understand what Christmas is really about. So, we made a new decision about the whole SANTA-thing. We decided to tell all our kids (and when I say all the kids, I really mean Connor cause Bryce and the babies don't care).

I sat down with Connor and explained that St. Nick or Santa Clause was a VERY REAL person and he loved Jesus very much. He gave the children in his village presents every year. He grew old and went to heaven. People loved all the great things Santa did so much that they continued doing it. Soon, people everywhere were playing the "game" of Santa by remembering a great man who loved others and doing the same thing by loving others and serving them. So, that is why we have Santa. It a "pretend" game that everyone plays. But he is no longer "here," but in heaven. We're going to play the game too.

Connor looked at me, nodded his head and took off. Later, he asked if it was just a game and if the "real" Santa was in heaven and would he get a present. I said "of course", but that if he told others and ruined the game then he wouldn't. (Yes, I did bribe him. The idea of my child "ruining" someone else's Santa-thing made me sick to my stomach.) When someone asks Connor if he believes in Santa, I told him that he could say yes because we know he was real and so we do believe in that. He seems to be totally cool with it and still excited that he gets a stocking and a present from "Santa." Bryce did not care one bit and was probably a little bit relieved because he still doesn't really "like" the man.

So that's how we do the Santa thing. How about you? Thoughts?

A sneak peek....

2010-12-07T13:21:00.009-06:00

Here's a sneak peek of our family pictures Daniel Davis took of us. We had quite an adventure out in the woods. Carrying camera equipment, keeping track of kids, and hiking around the forest and rocks in high heeled boots. But he got some great shots. (Does anyone else HATE pictures of them self or is it just me?) You'll have to wait for our Christmas Card to see the pictures that were the BEST! (What you don't get our Christmas Card? email me NOW)

What is fair trade shopping?

2010-12-05T15:29:00.006-06:00

It's a must watch!

Are you willing to buy just one thing? (BTW it's really hard to buy one thing, cause everything is wonderful) TRADE AS ONE

The "dreaded" Family Pic

2010-12-02T21:45:00.008-06:00

Once a year I ask....ok DEMAND...that my family takes a picture together. A good one. One where everyone is smiling and we look like we've showered, like we comb our hair, like we wear nice clean clothes, like we love each other, and like one where we have our eyes all open. It's once a year. It's a tradition. And it's an absolute BATTLE every year. If it's not my husband crying like a baby it's an actual baby....well crying. So today is the BIG DAY. Family Picture Day!!! Will we get one (yes I only need one)??? Or maybe I better question, how can I bribe my family to get me the picture I need?

Here's some previous "famous" family pictures......

2006
2007
2008
2009
You make your family do this, right? And you have some kind of fight each year, right?

My Favorite Christmas Movies

2010-12-02T18:01:00.004-06:00

Ok I admit it. I love Christmas. I love the music. I love the decorations (although I suck at them). I LOVE THE MOVIES!!! So here's my list of all time favorites....

Favorite Classic Christmas Movies:

3)Meet Me in St Louis (First time "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is sung. This movie is a great laugh, a fantastic musical, stars Judy Garland, and has a little girl who is obsessed with death. Seriousily?? YES!)

2)White Christmas (Sorry it is just a classic and yes I'm in love with musicals. Thanks Mom for that)

1)It's a Wonderful life tied with Miracle on 34th Street (They just make you feel good.)

Favorite Kid Christmas Movies:

3) Charlie Brown Christmas tied with Home Alone (Charlie Brown throws down the "real" meaning of Christmas and I love that. And I grew up watching and loving every second of Home Alone. Hello it even has a John Candy cameo)

2)How the Grinch Stole Christmas (new and old) (LOVE LOVE LOVE!)

1)Muppet Christmas Carol (Another musical? Why yes it is. Michael Crain is magical in this movie and I love every minute of it)

Favorite Adult Christmas Movies

3)Christmas Story tied with Elf (I can recite every line from The Christmas Story and my Dad looked EXACTLY like Ralphie when he was a little boy. Elf is just too funny and I can't NOT watch it if it is on TV)

2)National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (I could watch this movie anytime any day, everyone loves this movie, right?)

1)Love Actually (I love this movie. I'm a sucker for a good romance and this one has like 5 different ones in it. Plus it's real life and I love that. Plus I have thighs the size of tree trunks and can't help but LOVE poor sweet foul-mouthed Natalie)

Best Horrible (but really funny) Christmas Movie

1) Bad Santa (Yes I laughed a lot and yes it is a horrible HORRIBLE movie)

Best Creepy Christmas Movies

3) Nightmare Before Christmas (I love this movie, but they make Christmas pretty stinkin CREEPY. This might be another musical)

2) Santa Clause the Movie (Look it up. It came out in the 80's and it freaked me out, A LOT)

1) Jingle All the Way tied with Jack Frost (Arnold as a Dad was just weird. And a movie about a Dady dying and coming back as a snowman double CREEPY)

Honorable Mentions (Forgotten Christmas Movies)

Rocky, Die Hard, Trapped in Paradise, Sleepless in Seattle, While You Were Sleeping, You've Got Mail, The Holiday, The Preachers Wife

What are your thoughts? What would you change?

HAIR!

2010-11-28T22:39:00.009-06:00

I love to hate my hair! Always have..... It just might be a girl-thing. But I really do have a love/hate relationship with my hair. You see it's curly, but not cute curly. More 80's frizzy curly. So I straighten it EVERYDAY. Ok ok ok some....umm maybe most days I wear it in a ponytail. But if I'm going to see "real" people I straighten it (stay at home Moms know what I mean when I say "seeing real people).

So when I found out I was having a daughter I WAS SO EXCITED and SO SCARED at the same time. I was scared to death of little girl hair. I can deal with me having bad hair, but my little girl. Oh man the stress kills me. Alexis has hard little girl hair. She has a lot of it and it's thin and stringy and EVERYWHERE. I've cut the back of it once because it was getting VERY MULLET-LIKE. So help me out! Am I doing alright? Be honest and help me out because family pictures are around the corner.
The natural look?
The Cindy-lou who look?
The piggy-tails?
Vote now!

J-man Update

2010-11-28T22:28:00.003-06:00

So J-man got to spend 4 days at home with Bio Mom over Thanksgiving. It was our first BIG step towards reunification. It went well.....I think. But to be honest we have no idea. CPS is not giving us much information as usual.
We do know that Bio Mom LOVED her time with her little man. We know that he did get sick and had an upset stomach the whole time. We know that someone is going to have to talk to her about nutrition and little babies (hopefully not me). We know that things will look different in the next weeks as we move closer to permanent reunification. We know that 4 days without J-man was weird and felt "off", but that the other 3 kiddos kept Adam and I very busy (which is very good). I know that I still feel a peace with our families journey being a foster family.
We DON'T know when or how the "reunification process" is going to look. We DON'T know how it's going to impact for our family. I DON'T know how I'm going to react or deal or process the day that our son leaves us forever. I DON'T know a lot.
Only that little J-man is back home. He is a little clingy to me (but we all expected that). He was VERY excited to see his brothers. And woke up from nap today giggling and laughing with his sister.
For now we continue to love him and pray for his Bio Mom. Thanks for the prayers, friends.

What we're thankful for....

2010-11-25T19:48:00.002-06:00

Connor is thankful for...... his stuffed animals (especially Bambi), for the Thanksgiving tree, our backyard, his Mommy, playing with Alexis, our porch, playing at the gym, learning school, and Guitar Hero.

Bryce is thankful for..... his Mommy, his chair, his Daddy, Alexis and J-man (his 2 babies), his stuffed animals (especially Rhea his puppy), his food, his new clothes, Halloween candy, and his teachers at church and the gym.

Alexis is thankful for..... her binky, her blanket, sweet snuggles with Daddy before bed each night, giggling with Mommy, piggy tails, playing with her brothers, running outside, and naps.

J-man is thankful for..... good food, time with his Bio Mom, dancing, learning how to walk, car rides, playing outside, blocks, and bath time.

Hope it was a great day remembering what we all have and being thankful for.........

Daddy Daughter Time

2010-11-21T20:26:00.008-06:00

Daddy and Alexis' favorite game:

Before

During

After
Aren't Daddys just the best?

Can you Give Thanks if?

2010-11-21T19:56:00.006-06:00

Ah Thanksgiving, the time of the year when we all workout just a little bit harder hoping that all the cinnamon rolls, croissant rolls, and desserts won't go straight to our hips. Just me? Hmmmm curious.
Thanksgiving Day is around the corner and for some of us it's the first time in a long time that we sit down and give thanks. We think about all the great things God has blessed us with and say "Thank You".
I'll later post all the things the McManus kiddos are thankful for this year, since we are once again decorating a Thanksgiving Tree. But for now I challenge you with this.

Could you "Give Thanks" if.... Could you be thankful to your God if......Would you still take time to pray and praise God for the things He has given you if.....

What if you didn't have what you have now? What if there was no house? no food? no job? no healthy children? no children? lost love ones? Could you be thankful then?????

Hard questions for me. I've lost in the past, but I have a very BLESSED life right now. I'm trying to be thankful for my God, my Savior, my Heavenly Father alone.

Will you join me? Could you say a prayer like this for Thanksgiving this year?????

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
GOD, the Lord, is my strength;

Habakkuk 3:17-19

With Everything

2010-11-13T13:52:00.005-06:00

I would like to share what God has been wrecking me over with lately. These are things that God has been gently (and sometimes not so gently) teaching me. I have absolutely not even begun to get close to "figuring" anything out. But, maybe a couple of the things I write will touch you.

God really speaks to my heart through worship, especially songs. I'm the girl who is frequently crying during a worship song because I feel like God and I are "working stuff out." Lately, the song that has been "getting" me is "With Everything" by Hillsong

Hillsong - With Everything from With Everything on Vimeo.

This song is tearing me up in many different ways. The first is about how small I make God. To be honest, I make him tiny. I deep down think I deserve His perfect and unconditional love. My friends, we don't deserve God's love. Does He love us? Oh yes, but do we deserve it, ABSOLUTELY not. I also don't find myself HATING my sin like I should. To be honest I "act" like I'm good enough without God and only rely on his forgiveness and grace for the "big" stuff. So when I find myself singing these words, I can't help feeling like "THAT'S ME!".

Break down our pride,
And all the walls
We've built up inside,
Our earthly crowns
And all our desires,
We lay at Your feet.

then this part

God of all days,
Glorious in all of Your ways.
Your majesty, the wonder and grace,
In the light of Your name.

Open your heart and ask yourself, do you really deep down understand that we don't deserve love from God? We are filthy rags. Even on our best day we absolutely REEK of filth. That all the "good" stuff we do is nothing. All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away. Isaiah 64:4

Then I start singing these words;

Open our hearts,
To see the things
That make Your heart cry,
To be the church
The You would desire.
Light to be seen.

I get completely destroyed here too. Asking God to open your eyes to the things that make HIS heart cry is not easy. And then asking God to help you do something about it isn't any easier. That has kind of been our main prayer this year. God has opened our eyes to the injustices that (to be quite frank) Adam and I have never really cared about. The helpless, the majority of the world that lives on less than $2 a day, the orphans, the sick, and the needy. Do I really care about them? And if the answer is yes, what do I do about it? God is a God of justice and although the world is burdened down by the sin of man, the church could and should be a light that can be seen. Church, we are often not a light that can be seen. I am often not a light that can be seen. I look and act like everyone else. Get why these lyrics kill me? What if I actually meant these lyrics? What if I actually asked God to help me "do something"?

Then we get to the "with everything" part of the song. Aw man it kills me (and of course I mean in a good way). I need to get punched in the gut sometimes (alright most times) and this does it everytime. I mean???? EVERYTHING? With everything? If I truly believe this "God thing and Savior thing and eternity thing", then am I giving EVERYTHING??? It's easy to look at my life and think yeah we're close enough to "everything". I mean have you seen our crazy life, God? We have strangers live in our home for free, give money monthly beyond tithing to overseas and orphans, we love on our friends who work overseas and partner with them whenever we can, we love on our neighbors, heck we even have a son whom we have taken into our family to love on even though he'll never be "our son." Enough, right? That's really close to "everything". But it's not "everything". A couple questions Adam and I keep asking each other are; "If God called us to give up "everything" and "GO", would we? On the day we hand over little J-man, will I gladly say "with everything". Tough, right?

About this time, I start feeling a little overwhelmed and my chest gets heavy. I think to myself, "God this is a lot!" Then we get to the WOAH! (start listening on the video at 5:30) part of the song. And I stand there in a room of thousands of worshipers and for those moments I feel like what I can only imagine heaven will be like. And all thoughts vanish and my heart....no my soul SINGS! I'm completely gone in a really, really good way.

That's what God has been breaking me up about.

Something about 5....

2010-11-11T21:28:00.003-06:00

"Mom, I love being so old and responsible because it makes you so proud. And I'm proud of myself in my very own heart." -Connor McManus

It seems like every time my children get a year older there is a new "phase" we get to endure ummmm I mean enjoy.

2 year old: Saying "No", learning time-outs, sharing, coming when Mommy calls your name, staying in bed, and so much more

3 year old: Trouble finishing meals, lying begins, being a little too independent, obeying Mom and Dad, and so on

4 year old: DRAMA!

5 year old: OH MY WORD! I love it. We have a little man who has a fun sense of humor, a desire to learn more and more each day, someone who can be reasoned with, a human being who actually makes wise choices, a older sibling that takes care of his younger siblings, confident in his beliefs, a scholar, a talented athlete, and we're only a couple months into this WONDERFUL age!

Does any other Moms agree with me? Are 5 year olds just this wonderful or have I just been living in the toddler years WAY TOO LONG.

Sitting on the pot

2010-11-08T13:23:00.005-06:00

Sometimes it's just fun to hang out on the pot.

Alexis is not wearing any clothes because she decided to wear her dinner that evening. Of all my children she is the messiest!! That is some kind of cruel joke, right??? She absolutely loves getting dirty too. The other night she had the cutest little outfit on and managed to get food on every surface of it. Seriously it is driving me a little nuts.